Элисон Скотч - The Theory of Opposites

“I am,” I answer, though I don’t think either of us really believes it.

“So what is the one thing you hate more than anything in the whole world?” She resumes her pace.

“Pâté. I find pâté to be truly revolting. Also, recently, sea bass. Bad associations with sexual imagery of my parents.”

Vanessa halts again, rests her hands on her waist and dips her chin to her chest.

“This is going to be much harder than I thought.”

“What? You asked! I really, really hate pâté! And sea bass!”

“I had something else in mind.” She squints toward the sun, the light reflecting off her cheeks like she’s some sort of goddess. “Pack your bags. Be ready in the morning.”

“Disney World? Because I’ve been surprised with that before. It’s less great than you’d think.”

“No.” She shakes her head but smiles. “Come on, this book has nothing to do with fairy tales.”

Excerpt:

New York Times bestseller, Is It Really Your Choice? Why Your Entire Life May Be Out of Your Control

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SECTION ONE: EMBRACE THE MASTER UNIVERSE WAY

Summary: Throughout the book, you will hear me refer to what I call the Master Universe Way. Others will choose to call this “God’s plan,” or perhaps “divine intervention,” or simply, “that what will be will be.” Please know that while my preferred term is MUW, and should you choose to sign up for our online course — Master the Master Universe Way! — that you will be asked to use our preferred phrasing, any name or title or moniker that you choose to give this phenomenon of “God’s plan” while reading this book is a-okay with me.

SECTION TWO: ACCEPT INERTIA

Summary: Do not swim upstream! Life already knows where you are headed. Do not fight the feeling of being pulled in the direction to which you are meant. No good can come of this. Only heartbreak and failure come from jumping off a cliff. (And smattered innards too!)

SECTION THREE: CLOSE YOUR EYES AND FOLLOW THE MAP

Summary: Once you have accepted that you can embrace inertia, that you can be pulled wherever life pulls you, merely close your eyes, and your perspective will change — your senses will be heightened, you’ll no longer be afraid of the figurative dark! Once you stop fighting change, change will find you. You will feel calmer! More peaceful! As if you are being carried by both the stream and the wind, and you will land wherever these forces of nature deem fit. Let the map of life carry you…there is no need to get caught up in life’s confusing (and useless) detours!

SECTION FOUR: BE WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE

Summary: We are who we are. The saying is true. I don’t mean to imply that humans aren’t capable of evolution, because we learn to outgrow diapers, and eventually we don’t throw our food at the wall if we are displeased with it (though I have a few colleagues who do that too, dear readers!), but getting older should not be confused with getting wiser, and my research has shown me that who we are when we are born is more or less who we are when we die. All of which is an eloquent way of saying, I’m sorry to tell you that your stubborn mother-in-law will never change.

SECTION FIVE: SET YOURSELF FREE

Summary: No summary can be provided because no shortcuts are allowed on the road to self-freedom. Read the rest of the book (and of course, buy the workbook and corresponding CD set) to liberate your own true self!

“This is where we start,” Vanessa says, pointing to the table of contents of my father’s book that night. “This is where we run counter to his advice, where I dare you to try something different.”

“Do I get to dare you to do anything? Because this seems a little unfair.” I chew on the inside of my cheek and think: this is more than a little unfair!

“How do you run counter to ideas like ‘setting yourself free’?” Oliver asks. “Don’t get me wrong: I think it’s brilliant, but…impossible.”

Oliver has begrudgingly agreed to apartment-sit while Vanessa and I are away — she has booked two tickets to Seattle in the morning. Though he’s also agreed to stay only if I allow him to rearrange the rooms to make them more in line with his feng shui. He adjusts an armchair in the living room, shifting it toward the window.

I flip through the delivery menus rather than argue with him. He’s right: it’s not the dumbest idea in the world — set yourself free! Who can argue with that? It’s easy to see why so many millions embraced the book. Why Shawn cited it the day he left me. Don’t do anything — no hard work required! — and you’ll be happier. Yeah, sign me up too.

Oliver squeaks the armchair another twenty degrees left, the noise like nails on a chalkboard. He steps back and angles his head, then clicks his tongue in approval.

“What do you guys know about Mark Zuckerberg’s wife?”

“Genius,” Oliver says.

“Helpful,” I say back.

“I know someone who knew her at Stanford. Why?”

“Just curious.” I shuffle the menus. I can’t come out and say: “Shawn was tagged in a photo with her yesterday on Facebook,” because I’m not supposed to be stalking Shawn’s Facebook. But he was tagged with her, and so rather than stalking him, I googled her.

What would Mark Zuckerberg’s wife order for dinner?

“Anyway, can we get back to what I was saying?” Vanessa interrupts. She grabs the Indian menu out of my left hand. “There, decision made.”

Oliver tuts. “No way. I’m not having Indian, not after having authentic Indian.”

Vanessa says, “Oliver, do you ever know how big of a jackass you sound like?”

He breathes in and breathes out before answering.

“Vanessa, I’m so sorry that you must be so angry inside that you feel the need to take out that anger on others. Also, for your information, I am currently being investigated by the FBI, and I’d rather not eat Indian food, which brings back so many memories of my time in India, for which I am now being unjustly prosecuted.”

“What?” Vanessa says.

“The pyramid scheme. I only did it because my mentor asked me to invest! And told me that if I found four other people to invest, I’d make back $100,000! Which I’d planned to donate to Greenpeace, so it’s not like the money wasn’t going to a good cause. The Kalumdrali Retreat was named the third-best retreat in the world by Travel and Leisure ! People were healed there. People were saved there. ”

Oliver sits down in the feng shui-ed armchair triumphantly, but then withers just a bit.

“So, like, can I just order a pizza or something?” I ask.

“Anyway.” Vanessa pivots toward me. “We’re going to construct our book around your dad’s table of contents. Instead of embracing inertia, we’re going to resist it. Like that. The theory of opposites !”

She nudges the book across the counter to me. I skim it and bounce my shoulders.

“Whatever. Sounds good. I don’t know.”

She laughs, but then presses her thumbs into her temples.

“I swear to God, Willa, if you don’t know something by the time we’re done here, then maybe your dad will actually be proven right.”

The first thing you see when flying into Seattle is mountains. Miles of snow-capped mountains, which then give way to meandering, lovely, lingering bodies of water, greenery for miles, and what looks like, even from above, a perfect landscape of a city. They call it the Emerald City, and it’s easy to see why. Flying in, I felt a little bit like I was careening toward Oz.