Sarah Allen - The Girl Who Chased the Moon

“And there it is,” he said with satisfaction.

“What?”

“Exactly what I want to talk about.”

She’d walked right into that. “No,” she said. “Stella will be home any minute.”

“She won’t be home for an hour or more.” He locked eyes with her, holding her there on the spot. “You said you’ve forgiven me. Is that true?”

“I’m not doing this. I’m not having this conversation.” She shook her head adamantly.

“Why?”

“Because it’s mine, Sawyer!” she said. “It’s my memory and my regret. It’s not yours. I’m not sharing it with you. You didn’t want it then. You can’t have it now.”

The words were strung in the air like garland. She could almost see them.

Sawyer stood and she thought for a moment that he was walking toward her, and she hastily took a few steps back. But she soon discovered that he was walking to the fireplace mantel in Stella’s living room. He stopped there and put his hands in his pockets, staring into the empty fireplace. “Holly and I couldn’t have kids.”

Julia paused at this sudden change in subject. Sawyer and Holly had gotten married right out of college. Her father had told Julia about it in passing one year. It had hurt a little, but hadn’t surprised her much. Sawyer and Holly had dated since middle school. What had surprised her, when she moved back to Mullaby, was discovering that their marriage had lasted less than five years. Everyone, including her, thought they’d be together forever. Julia in particular knew all that Sawyer had done to preserve his relationship with Holly when they were teens.

“The ironic thing is, I was the problem,” Sawyer continued. “I contracted chicken pox my senior year in college and had an unusual reaction to it. There’s not a week that goes by that I don’t think of what happened between us, Julia, and how I responded. My fear and my stupidity not only made what was already a horrible time in your life worse, it destroyed what turned out to be my only chance to father a child. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I knew the moment I saw you again that you were holding on to what had happened, that I was still, in your eyes, that stupid, stupid boy. Maybe this will make you feel a little better.”

“Feel better?” she asked incredulously.

He shrugged. “To know that I got what I had coming.”

For the first time, Julia realized Sawyer might be just as messed up as she was about what had happened. He was simply better at hiding it. “What is the matter with you?” she demanded. “How could you possibly think that would make me feel better?”

“It doesn’t?”

“Of course not.”

Still staring into the fireplace, he said, “I’ve read that an abortion rarely affects a woman’s ability to bear more children. Is that true?”

She hesitated. “I assume so.”

“I’m glad,” he said softly.

This had been hers, and only hers, for so long. She didn’t think he cared, or even deserved, to know what she’d been keeping so close to her heart, this hope she’d been carrying around for so long. “You bastard. I was happy being mad at you. Why couldn’t you have just left it at that?”

He smiled slightly. “Because I get such a kick out of telling beautiful women that I’m sterile.”

At that moment, the front door opened and there was Stella. She always smelled like carnations from her florist shop when she came in from work. The scent ran ahead of her into the room, like an excited pet.

“I told you she’d be home any minute,” Julia said.

“Am I interrupting something?” Stella asked hopefully, looking back and forth from Julia to Sawyer. “I can come back later. As a matter of fact, I don’t have to come back at all. I can be gone all night.”

“You’re not interrupting anything. Good night.” Julia turned and jogged up the stairs to her apartment.

“Night?” Stella said. “It’s barely five o’clock.”

Julia locked the door behind her and went straight to her bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, then she fell back and stared at the long yellow squares of daylight stretching across the ceiling.

She suddenly had a very big decision to make, one she thought she’d never have to make.

Coming back here had messed up everything.

HER FIRST six weeks at Collier Reformatory in Maryland were hard. There were some tough girls there. Julia spent a lot of time crying in her bed in the dorm, and using all her allotted phone time trying to call Sawyer. His maid always said he wasn’t home. Julia refused to call her father, or talk to him when he called, for doing this to her. Her therapist didn’t pressure her. Her therapy sessions were odd at first, but then she started looking forward to them.

In fact, her therapist was the second person she told when realized she was pregnant.

Julia was thrilled when she found out. In her mind, it meant she could go home and be with Sawyer. They would get married and move in together and raise their child. He could make her happy. He could make her better. She knew he could. He saw her. He was the only person who did.

She called his house incessantly until she obviously wore the maid down. When Sawyer got on the phone, she was taken aback by his tone.

“Julia, you have to stop calling here,” he said brusquely.

“I… I’ve missed you. Where have you been?”

Silence.

“This place is horrible,” she went on. “They want to put me on medication.”

Sawyer cleared his throat. “Maybe that’s a good idea, Julia.”

“No, it’s not.” She smiled, thinking how wonderful this was going to be. “It might hurt the baby.”

Silence again. Then, “What baby?”

“I’m pregnant, Sawyer. I’m going to tell my therapist, and then my dad. I should be home soon.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” he said quickly. “What?”

“I know it’s a surprise. It was for me, too. But, don’t you see? It’s really the best thing that could have happened. I’ll come home and we can be together.”

“Is it mine?” he asked.

She felt the first string tighten around her heart, thin and sharp. “Of course it’s yours. That was my first time. You were my first.”

He waited so long to say something that she thought he’d hung up. “Julia, I don’t want a baby,” he finally said.

“Well, it’s too late for that,” she said, trying to laugh.

“Is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sixteen!” He suddenly exploded. “I can’t be a parent! And I’m with Holly. This is the worst thing that could happen to me right now! I have plans .”

A second string, then a third, tightened around her insides, making it hard to breathe. “You’re with Holly?” She knew he’d been dating Holly, but she’d assumed, after what had happened on the football field… the way he’d looked at her and touched her…

How could he do that to her and still be with Holly?

“I’ve always been with her. You know that. We’re going to get married after college.”

“But that night-”

He interrupted her, saying, “You were upset.”

“It’s not just the baby, then?” she almost whispered. “You don’t want me ?”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I thought you knew.”

You thought I knew? Her eyes started filling with tears and her breathing was heavy. She thought she might hyperventilate.

He was supposed to save her.

“I’ll take care of it,” she said, turning to hang up the pay phone. Sawyer might not want the baby, but she did. She would take care of it by herself.

Sawyer misunderstood. “That’s good. It’s the right thing, Julia. I know it’ll be hard, but it will be over before you know it. Just get an abortion and everything will be fine. Let me send you some money.” His voice was so nice now, so relieved. She felt a wave of hatred so strong that it popped off her skin and caused a crinkling noise in the phone receiver.