Gerald Durrell - Fillets of Plaice

“Now,” he said, “for my final trick,” and he held up his hands once more to show that they were empty. He bent down and plucked from the mayor’s beard a bunch of 500-drachma notes.

The amount of money that was now lying at the mayor’s feet represented something like ten or fifteen pounds which, to the average peasant anywhere in Greece, was a fortune beyond the dreams of avarice.

“There,” said Mactavish, turning and smiling at us proudly, “it never fails.”

“You certainly have got them in a very good mood,” said Mother, who was by now completely relaxed.

“I told you not to worry, Mrs Durrell,” said Mactavish.

Then he made his fatal mistake. He bent down, picked up all the money lying on the ground and put it in his pocket.

Immediate uproar broke out.

“I, um..., I had a sort of feeling this might happen,” said Theodore.

The mayor had risen shakily to his feet and was shaking his fist in Mactavish’s face. Everybody else was shouting as indignantly as a disturbed rookery.

“But what’s the matter?” asked Mactavish.

“You’re stealing my money,” said the mayor.

“I think,” said Larry to Mother, “that now is the time for you, Leonora and Margo to get back to the boat.”

They left the table with alacrity and disappeared down the main street at a dignified trot.

“But what do you mean, your money?” Mactavish was saying earnestly to the mayor, “It was my money.”

“How could it be your money if you found it in my beard?” asked the mayor.

Once again, Mactavish was defeated by the illogicality of the Greeks.

“But don’t you see,” he said painfully, “it was only magic? It was really my money.”

“NO!” came a chorus from the entire village, “If you found the money in his beard it’s his money.”

“But can’t you see,” said Mactavish desperately, “that I was doing tricks? It’s all tricks.”

“Yes, and the trick is to steal my money!” said the mayor.

“YES!” came a rumbled agreement from the assembled population.

“Do you know,” said Mactavish, turning desperately to Larry, “I think this old boy’s senile. He can’t see the point,”

“You really are a bloody fool, you know,” said Larry. “Obviously, he thinks that if you got the money out of his beard it’s his money.”

“But it’s not,” said Mactavish obtusely. “It’s my money. I palmed it.”

“ We know that, you fool, but they don’t.”

We were now surrounded by a throng of wild-looking and extremely indignant members of the community who were determined to see that justice was done to their mayor.

“Give him back his money,” they all shouted, “or we’ll stop your benzina from leaving!”

“We’ll send to Athens for the police!” shouted one man.

As it would have taken several weeks to communicate with Athens and several weeks for a policeman to come back and investigate the thing — if, indeed, one was ever sent — the whole situation was taking on alarming proportions.

“I think, um...,” said Theodore, “the best thing would be for you to give him the money.”

“That’s what I have always said about foreigners,” said Donald. “Excitable. Rapacious, too. Just like Max here who is always borrowing money from me and never paying it back.”

“Now do not let us start to quarrel too,” said Max. “Dere is enough quarrel here for everybody.”

“Really,” said Larry, “Theodore’s is the best suggestion. You must give it back to him, Mactavish.”

“But it’s almost fifteen pounds!” said Mactavish. “And after all, it was only a trick.”

“Well, if you don’t give it back to him,” said Larry, “I think you’ve a very slim chance of getting out of here without being beaten up.”

Mactavish drew himself up to his full height.

“I’m not afraid of a fight,” he said.

“Oh, don’t be stupid,” said Larry in a weary tone of voice. “If all these stalwart young males go for you at once, you’ll be torn to pieces.”

“Well, we’ll compromise,” said Mactavish.

He took all the drachma pieces out of his pocket and handed them to the mayor.

“There,” he said in Greek, “it was a trick and the money was not yours, but nevertheless, in order that you shall buy yourself some wine, I am giving you half of what I got from your beard.”

“NO!” roared the villagers in unison. “You’ll give him everything!”

Mother, having got Leonora and Margo safely onto the boat, had come back to rescue me and was horrified at the sight of us surrounded by this threatening mob.

“Larry, Larry!” she shouted. “Save Gerry!”

“Oh, don’t be stupid,” Larry shouted back. “He’s the only one of us who’s not going to get beaten up.”

This was perfectly true because in such a situation only accidentally would any Greek hurt a child.

“I suppose we could all get into a corner and face it out,” said Donald. “It seems a bit much backing down to a lot of foreigners. I used to be quite good at boxing when I was at Eton.”

“Um..., have you, um..., er..., noticed that most of them arc wearing knives?” inquired Theodore, as though he were discussing some museum specimen.

“Ah, I know how to fight wiz a knife,” said Max.

“But you haven’t got one,” said Donald.

“True,” said Max thoughtfully, “but if you knock one of dem down, I could get his knife off him and den we could fight dem.”

“I don’t think that would be a very wise thing to do,” said Theodore.

During this, the uproar was still going on and Mactavish was still trying to persuade the mayor that they should split the proceeds of his beard fifty-fifty.

“Are you saving Gerry?” shouted Mother from the back of the crowd.

“Oh, shut up, Mother,” yelled Larry, “you’re only making things worse. Gerry’s perfectly alright.”

“I think, you know, judging from their tone of voice and the things that some of them are saying,” said Theodore, “that we really will have to persuade Mactavish to give the money to the mayor. Otherwise we’ll find ourselves in a rather unpleasant predicament.”

“Are you saving Gerry?” shouted Mother again from behind the crowd.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake!” said Larry.

He strode forward, seized Mactavish, delved into his pocket, produced the notes, and handed them to the mayor.

“Here! But I say! That’s my money!” said Mactavish.

“Yes, and it’s my life that you’re mucking about with,” said Larry.

He turned to the mayor,

“Now,” he said in Greek, “that is the money that this kyrios by his magic found in your beard.”

He turned to Mactavish, seized him by the shoulders, looked him straight in the eye and said,

“You are to nod your head hard to whatever I say to you, do you understand?”

“Yes, yes,” said Mactavish, startled by this sudden display of belligerence on the part of Larry.

“Well,” said Larry. He paused and placed his hand carefully over the part of Mactavish’s anatomy that presumably concealed his heart.

“ Twas brillig and the slithy toves,

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All minisy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe. ”

Mactavish, not only startled by Larry’s sudden masterly command of the situation but also by the fact that he didn’t understand since he had never heard the poem before, nodded his head vehemently at the end of every line. Larry turned to the mayor.

“The kyrios ,” he said, placing his hand once more upon Mactavish’s heart, “because he has a great heart, has agreed that you should have all the money, but on one condition. You all know how there are certain people that can find water in the ground.”