John Fowles - The Collector

Then she was in a horrible sweat, her pyjamas were soaked, and when I tried to get the top off to put on new ones she started fighting, rolling about as if she was mad, and getting in a worse sweat. I never had a worse night, it was so terrible I can’t describe it. She couldn’t sleep, I gave her as many sleeping tablets as I dared but they seemed to have no effect, she would doze off a little while and then she would be in a state again, trying to get out of bed (once she did before I could get to her and fell to the floor). Sometimes she was in delirium, calling for a G.P. and talking to people who she’d known, I suppose. I didn’t mind that so much, as long as she lay quiet. I took her temper-ature, it was over 104 degrees, and I knew she was ill, really ill.

Well, just about five the next morning I went up to have a breath of fresh air, it seemed another world out there, and I made up my mind that I would have to get her upstairs and ask a doctor in, I couldn’t put it off any longer. I was there about ten minutes standing in the open door but then I heard her calling again, she brought up a bit more of the red-brown phlegm and then she was sick, so I had to get her out of bed and make it up again while she lay slopped in the chair. It was the way she breathed that was worst, it was so quick and gasping, as if she was panting all the time.

That morning (she seemed quieter) she was able to take in what I said, so I told her I was going for the doctor and she nodded, I consider she understood, though she didn’t speak. That night seemed to take all her strength away, she just lay there still.

I know I could have gone to the village and phoned or got a doctor but for obvious reasons I never had dealings there, village gossip being what it is.

Anyhow I was so without sleep I didn’t know what I was doing half the time. I was all on my own, as always. I had no one to turn to.

Well I went into Lewes and (it was just after nine) into the first chemist I saw open and asked for the nearest doctor, which the girl told me from a list she had. It was a house in a street I’d never been. I saw on the door surgery began at 8:30 and I ought to have guessed there would be a lot of people as usual, but for some reason I just saw myself going in and seeing the doctor straight off. I must have looked daft in the room, with all the people looking at me, all the seats were taken and another young man was standing up. Well, they all seemed to be looking at me, I hadn’t the nerve to go straight through to the doctor so I stood by the wall. If only I could have gone straight in I’d have done it, everything would have been all right, it was having to be with all those other people in that room. I hadn’t been in a room with other people for a long time, only in and out of shops, it felt strange, as I say, they all seemed to look at me, one old woman especially wouldn’t take her eyes off me, I thought I must look peculiar in some way. I picked a magazine off the table, but of course I didn’t read it.

Well, I began to think there all about what would happen, it would be all right for a day or two, the doctor and M perhaps wouldn’t talk, but then . . . I knew what he would say, she must go into hospital, I couldn’t look after her properly. And then I thought I might get a nurse in, but she wouldn’t be long finding out what happened—Aunt Annie always said nurses were the nosiest parkers of them all, she never could abide people with long noses and nor could I. The doctor came out just then to call in the next patient, he was a tall man with a moustache, and he said, “Next” as if he was sick of seeing all these people. I mean, he sounded really irritated, I don’t think it was my imagination, I saw a woman make a face at the one next to her when he went back in his room.

He came out again and I could see he was the officer type in the army, they’ve got no sympathy with you, they just give you orders, you’re not their class and they treat everyone else as if they were dirt.

On top of that, this old woman started staring at me again and she made me hot under the collar, I hadn’t slept all night and I was wrought up, I suppose. Anyhow, I knew I’d had enough. So I turned and walked out and went and sat in the van.

It was seeing all those people. It made me see Miranda was the only person in the world I wanted to live with. It made me sick of the whole damn lot.

What I did then was to go to a chemist and say I wanted something for very bad flu. It was a shop I hadn’t been to before, luckily there was no one else there, so I could give my story. I said I had a friend who was a Peculiar Person (they don’t believe in doctors) and he had very bad flu, perhaps pneumonia, and we had to give him something secretly. Well, the girl produced the same stuff as I’d bought before and I said I wanted penicillin or the other stuff, but she said it had to be on doctor’s prescription. Unfortunately, the boss came out that moment, and she went and told him and he came up and said I must see a doctor and explain the case. I said I’d pay anything, but he just shook his head and said it was against the law. Then he wanted to know if my friend lived locally, and I left before he started nosing any further. I tried two other chemists, but they both said the same and I was scared to ask any more so I took some medicine they could sell, a different kind.

Then I went back. I could hardly drive, I was so tired.

Of course I went down as soon as I got back, and she was lying there breathing away. As soon as she saw me she began talking, she seemed to think I was someone else because she asked me if I’d seen Louise (I never heard her talk of her before)—luckily she didn’t wait for an answer, she started talking about some modern painter, then she said she was thirsty. It wasn’t sense, things seemed to come in her head and go. Well, I gave her a drink and she lay still a while and she suddenly seemed to get half back to normal (in mind, that is) because she said, when will Daddy come, you have been?

I lied, it was a white lie, I said he’d be here soon. She said, wash my face, and when I did, she said he must see some of . that stuff I’ve brought up. I say she said, but it was all in a whisper.

She said she wished she could sleep.

It’s the fever, I said, and she nodded, for a bit she quite understood all I was saying, and no one could believe it but I decided to go back to Lewes to get a doctor. I helped her behind the screen, she was so weak I knew she couldn’t run away, so what I decided was I would go up and try and get two hours’ sleep and then I’d carry her upstairs and I’d go down to Lewes and get another doctor out.

I don’t know how it happened, I always get up as soon as the alarm sounds; I think I must have reached out and turned it off in my sleep, I don’t remember waking up, once. Anyway it was four, not half past twelve when I woke up. Of course, I rushed down to see what had happened. She had pulled all the top clothes off her chest, but luckily it was warm enough. I don’t think it mattered then anyway, she was in a terrible fever and she didn’t know me, and when I lifted to take her upstairs she tried to struggle and scream, but she was so weak she couldn’t. What’s more her coughing stopped her screaming and seemed to make her realize where we were. I had a proper job getting her upstairs, but I managed it and put her in the bed in the spare room (I had got it all warmed), where she seemed happier. She didn’t say anything, the cold air had made her cough and bring up, her face was the funny purplish colour, too. I said, the doctor’s coming, which she seemed to understand.

I stayed a bit to see if she would be all right, I was afraid she might have just the strength to go to the window and attract the attention of anyone passing. I knew she couldn’t really, but I seemed to find reasons not to go. I went several times to her open door, she was lying there in the darkness, I could hear her breathing, sometimes she was muttering, once she called for me and I went and stood beside her and all she could say was doctor, doctor, and I said he’s coming, don’t worry and I wiped her face, she couldn’t stop sweating. I don’t know why I didn’t go then, I tried, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t face the idea of not knowing how she was, of not being able to see her whenever I wanted. I was just like in love with her all over again. And another thing, all those days I used to think, well, she’ll be getting over it a long time, she’ll need me, it will be very nice when she has turned the corner.