Jane Green - Bookends

But Si is wrong about Portia and Josh. Not, perhaps, through choice, but for lack of opportunity. Will has evidently decided that Portia is the only person at this table worthy of his attention and proceeds to monopolize her from the moment she sits down.

The rest of us fall into our easy conversations. We talk about the bookshop, and I make everyone laugh with tales of mad customers. Already three people have come in and asked for a book, and, on being told it isn’t stocked but it could be here the next day, have gone on to ask if Waterstone’s have the book.

Lucy chuckles, as I apparently kept smiling through gritted teeth, even as I politely told them to go and find out for themselves. And where, the customers wanted to know, would they find the book? Which section would it be in, and on which floor?

The conversation dies down as Lucy brings in the chicken dish, and we all make the appropriate noises of delight at the smell as Lucy lifts the lid to release the steam.

All, that is, except for Will. He says nothing until he is served, and when we all start eating, all groaning with pleasure, Will chews for a while, then puts his knife and fork together on his plate and pushes his plate aside. We all stop and stare.

‘Is everything okay?’ Lucy asks.

Will sneers at the food. ‘Not really, no. This is supposed to be a River Café recipe, isn’t it?’ he says, as Lucy looks worried. ‘I sort of recognize it.’ Lucy nods, as Will continues. ‘I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something not right about it. You’ve changed the herbs, done something different, what is it?’

Lucy’s face falls, and I look at Si in exasperation, as he simply looks crestfallen.

‘Well,’ Lucy says uncertainly, ‘the thing is, I don’t usually tend to stick to recipes all that precisely any more. I’m not sure what I did differently, but I just used that recipe as a guideline, a base. You don’t like it?’

‘Put it like this,’ Will says, picking up the knife and pointing it dismissively at the food as I hold my breath. ‘Inedible would be one of the nicer things I would say about it.’

Si and I catch each other’s eyes nervously, and nobody says anything for what feels like an interminably long time, when Josh stands up and the silence that has already descended on the table grows even more fraught.

‘Enough,’ Josh says slowly, and we all turn to look at him. ‘Will, I would like you to leave.’

I would love to say that I sat there and smirked, but in fact I was so shocked at Josh saying this, doing something about this ghastly awful man, that I just sat there open-mouthed, and it didn’t take long to realize that everyone else was doing the same thing.

‘You’re not serious,’ Will says, half smiling, picking up his fork and prodding the chicken on his plate.

‘Put. That. Fork. Down.’ Josh says, and my eyes widen because I don’t think I have ever seen Josh that angry before. I didn’t know Josh could even get that angry. Portia looks as stunned as me, and Lucy and Si are both looking at their plates.

‘I welcomed you into my home as a guest, and you have spent the entire evening making me regret ever allowing you across the threshold. You have insulted my wife, my friends and me. You are not welcome here, and I want you to leave this instant.’

Finally Will seems to realize that he’s not joking. Si’s face is purple with embarrassment, and, as Will scrapes his chair back, Si stands up as well, but he can’t look any of us in the eye.

‘Fine,’ Will says, as he walks out of the room, Si scuttling behind him to get their coats. ‘I was here on sufferance anyway.’ I keep my eyes glued to the tablecloth, terrified that if he catches my eye he’ll start on me, and I really don’t think I could handle that, because this man, I swear, is vicious.

Will storms out, slamming the front door, as we all wince, fully aware that there is a child asleep upstairs, and Si hovers in the hallway apologizing to Josh. And from what I hear, Josh is telling Si that it’s not his fault, and that Si is welcome to stay, of course he is, but if he wants to leave we’ll all understand.

Of course Si, loving, lovely, needy, insecure Si, leaves. And as soon as the door quietly closes behind him and we are all just about to breathe a sigh of relief, a familiar clattering comes down the stairs.

‘Lucy.’ Ingrid towers in the doorway. ‘Why are there doors being slammed when Max is asleep.’

‘God, I’m sorry Ingrid,’ Lucy apologizes. ‘It was one of our guests, he left in a bit of a hurry.’ She pauses. ‘Ingrid,’ and I can already hear the placatory tone in her voice. ‘Would you like some supper? We’ve got masses of this chicken left over.’

‘And it’s delicious,’ I add, just in case there’s any doubt.

‘No,’ Ingrid says, scanning the room. ‘I have eaten already.’

‘You know Cath, of course,’ Lucy says, as Ingrid barely nods in my direction. ‘And this is an old friend of Josh, Portia.’ Lucy presumably wants Ingrid to feel as if she is one of us, and I’m waiting for her to invite Ingrid to join us, but thank God one nightmare guest is enough for one evening. ‘Portia, this is Ingrid, our wonderful au pair.’

Portia smiles at Ingrid, and, Christ, does this woman’s charm never cease, Ingrid actually smiles back, and I realize that in all the time Ingrid’s been here, I’ve never actually seen her smile, and if I didn’t know better I’d think Ingrid was as sweet as sugar from the beatific smile she now bestows upon Portia.

‘Is there anything we can do for you, Ingrid?’ Josh asks, and I marvel at how they both seem to tiptoe around her, when it’s their bloody house.

‘I would like some peace and quiet so I can read and Max can sleep,’ she says, turning on her heel, then turning back. ‘It was nice to meet you, Portia. I hope you all have a nice evening,’ and she goes upstairs.

‘You’re unbelievable,’ I say to Portia once she’s gone.

‘Why?’

‘You’re like one of those Indian snake charmers. You just manage to charm everyone.’

Portia laughs. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Oh, come on.’ Even Josh is laughing. ‘She’s right. First of all you were the only one who managed to charm that awful Will bloke, and then you manage to charm’ – and at this point he lowers his voice to a whisper – ‘the scary Ingrid.’

‘Is she scary?’ Portia laughs, also whispering.

‘God, yes,’ Josh whispers back. ‘Ask anyone. Ask Cath.’

Lucy’s watching us with a broad smile, and she nods at Portia, who looks at me.

‘No,’ I whisper. ‘If I’m being completely honest, I’d have to say she’s completely bloody terrifying.’

‘Speaking of which,’ Lucy says after we’ve giggled childishly at the fact that we’re sitting around a table, all of us in our thirties, and all whispering because we’re frightened of the au pair, ‘how terrifying do you find the fact that Si seems to be completely enamoured with that… that pig ?’

‘I told you,’ I moan. ‘Nobody believed me when I said he was awful, but he is, isn’t he, he’s disgusting.’

Portia looks pained. ‘I didn’t think he was that bad, actually,’ and my jaw hits the floor.

‘Oh, come on,’ Josh starts laughing. ‘You’ve got to be joking.’

‘No,’ she says earnestly. ‘I know too many people like that, and all that arrogance hides tremendous insecurity. He wasted no time in telling me he’d spent the afternoon looking at company cars and that he was thinking of getting a Porsche Boxster, which I don’t believe for a second, but he thinks that makes him better than everyone else.’

‘Prick,’ Josh says, as we all nod in agreement.