Elizabeth Gilbert - Stern Men

Pastor Wishnell was out of his mind.

“Your brother really beat up a shark?” Mrs. Pommeroy asked Mandy.

“Sure. Jeez, I don’t think I ever had my hair combed so much in one day!”

“Everybody’s caught a shark sometime,” one of the fishermen said. “We all beat up a shark one time or another.”

“You just kill them?” Mrs. Pommeroy said.

“Sure.”

“There’s no call for that.”

“No call to kill a shark?” The fisherman sounded amused. Mrs. Pommeroy was a lady and a stranger (an attractive lady stranger), and all the men in the garden were in a good mood around her.

“There’s no reason to be cruel to animals,” Mrs. Pommeroy said. She spoke around a few bobby pins in the corner of her mouth. She was working on the head of a steel-haired old lady, who seemed utterly oblivious of the conversation. Ruth guessed she was the mother of the bride or the mother of the groom.

“That’s right,” said Kitty Pommeroy. “Me and Rhonda, we learned that from our father. He wasn’t a cruel man. He never laid a hand on any of us girls. He stepped out on us plenty, but he never hit nobody.”

“It’s plain cruelty to pick on animals,” Mrs. Pommeroy said. “All animals are God’s creatures as much as any of us. I think it shows that there’s something really wrong with you, if you have to be cruel to an animal for no reason.”

“I don’t know,” said the fisherman. “I sure like eating them fine.”

“Eating animals is different from picking on them. Cruelty to animals is unforgivable.”

“That’s right,” repeated Kitty. “I think it’s disgusting.”

Ruth could not believe this conversation. It was the kind of conversation people on Fort Niles had all the time-dumb, circular, uninformed. Apparently it was the kind that people on Courne Haven liked, too.

Mrs. Pommeroy took a bobby pin from her mouth and set a small gray curl on the old lady in the chair. “Although,” she said, “I have to admit I used to shove firecrackers in frogs’ mouths and blow them up.”

“Me, too,” said Kitty.

“But I didn’t know what it would do. ”

“Sure,” said one of the amused Courne Haven fishermen. “How could you know?”

“Sometimes I throw snakes in front of the lawn mower and run over them,” said Mandy Addams, the pretty teenager.

“Now that’s downright cruel,” said Mrs. Pommeroy. “There’s no reason to do that. Snakes are good for keeping pests away.”

“Oh, I used to do that, too,” said Kitty Pommeroy. “Hell, Rhonda, we used to do that together, me and you. We were always chopping up snakes.”

“But we were only children, Kitty. We didn’t know any better.”

“Yeah,” said Kitty, “we were only children.”

“We didn’t know better.”

“That’s right,” Kitty said. “Remember that time you found a nest of baby mice under the sink, and you drowned them?”

“Children don’t know how to treat animals, Kitty,” Mrs. Pommeroy said.

“You drowned each one in a different teacup. You called it a mouse tea party. You kept saying, ‘Oh! They’re so cute! They’re so cute!’ ”

“I don’t have such a big problem with mice,” said one of the Courne Haven fishermen. “I’ll tell you what I do have a big problem with. Rats.”

“Who’s next?” Mrs. Pommeroy asked brightly. “Whose turn is it to look pretty?”

Ruth Thomas got drunk at the wedding.

Kitty Pommeroy helped. Kitty made friends with the bartender, a fifty-year-old Courne Haven fisherman named Chucky Strachan. Chucky Strachan had earned the great honor of serving as bartender largely because he was a big drunk. Chucky and Kitty found each other right away, the way two garrulous drunks in a bustling crowd always find each other, and they set out to have a great time at the Wishnell wedding. Kitty appointed herself Chucky’s assistant and made sure to match his customers, drink for drink. She asked Chucky to whip up something nice for Ruth Thomas, something to loosen up the little honey.

“Give her something fruity,” Kitty instructed. “Give her something just as sweet as her.” So Chucky whipped up for Ruth a tall glass of whiskey and a little tiny bit of ice.

“Now that’s a drink for a lady,” Chucky said.

“I meant a cocktail!” Kitty said. “That’s going to taste gross to her! She’s not used to it! She went to private school!”

“Let’s see,” said Ruth Thomas, and she drank down the whiskey Chucky gave her, not in one swallow, but pretty quickly.

“Very fruity,” she said. “Very sweet.”

The drink radiated a pleasant warmth in her bowels. Her lips felt bigger. She had another drink, and she started to feel incredibly affectionate. She gave Kitty Pommeroy a long, strong hug, and said, “You were always my favorite Pommeroy sister,” which couldn’t have been further from the truth but felt good to say.

“I hope things work out for you, Ruthie,” Kitty slurred.

“Aw, Kitty, you’re sweet. You’ve always been so sweet to me.”

“We all want things to work out for you, hon. We’re all just holding our fingers, hoping it all works out.”

“Holding your fingers?” Ruth frowned.

“Crossing our breath, I mean,” Kitty said, and they both nearly fell down laughing.

Chucky Strachan made Ruth another drink.

“Am I a great bartender?” he asked.

“You really know how to mix whiskey and ice in a glass,” Ruth conceded. “That’s for sure.”

“That’s my cousin getting married,” he said. “We need to celebrate. Dotty Wishnell is my cousin! Hey! Charlie Burden is my cousin, too!”

Chucky Strachan leaped out from behind the bar and grabbed Kitty Pommeroy. He buried his face in Kitty’s neck. He kissed Kitty all over her face, all over the good side of her face, the side that wasn’t burn-scarred. Chucky was a skinny guy, and his pants dropped lower and lower over his skinny ass. Each time he bent over the slightest bit, he displayed a nice New England cleavage. Ruth tried to avert her eyes. A matronly woman in a floral skirt was waiting for a drink, but Chucky didn’t notice her. The woman smiled hopefully in his direction, but he slapped Kitty Pommeroy’s bottom and opened himself a beer.

“Are you married?” Ruth asked Chucky, as he licked Kitty’s neck.

He pulled away, threw a fist in the air, and announced, “My name is Clarence Henry Strachan and I am married!”

“May I have a drink, please?” the matronly lady asked politely.

“Talk to the bartender!” shouted Chucky Strachan, and he took Kitty out on the plywood dance floor in the middle of the tent.

The wedding service itself had been insignificant to Ruth. She had barely watched it, barely paid attention. She was amazed by the size of Dotty’s father’s yard, amazed by his nice garden. Those Wishnells certainly had money. Ruth was used to Fort Niles weddings, where the guests brought casseroles and pots of beans and pies. After the wedding, there’d be a great sorting of the serving dishes. Whose tray is this? Whose coffee machine is this?

The wedding of Dotty Wishnell and Charlie Burden, on the other hand, had been catered by a mainland expert. And there was, as Pastor Wishnell had promised, a professional photographer. The bride wore white, and some of the guests who had been to Dotty’s first wedding said this gown was even nicer than the last one. Charlie Burden, a stocky character with an alcoholic’s nose and suspicious eyes, made an unhappy groom. He looked depressed to be standing there in front of everyone, saying the formal words. Dotty’s little daughter, Candy, as maid of honor, had cried, and when her mother tried to comfort her, said nastily, “I’m not crying!” Pastor Wishnell went on and on about Responsibilities and Rewards.