Leslie Moore - Griffin's Daughter

“ I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life,” Ashinji began. He pulled nervously at his service rings, unsure of how to put into words the frustration he felt. He took a deep breath and willed himself to relax. His mother radiated a calm energy, and he allowed his mind to absorb it and use it to ease the flow of his thoughts.

“ I am the second-born child of Sen Sakehera, and because of the order of my birth, the direction of my life was chosen for me. Every second child of each generation of our family has always been given to the military. It’s tradition. No one’s ever questioned it.”

“ Very few of us have the power to choose the direction of our own lives exactly as we would have it, Son,” Amara responded.

“ You did,” Ashinji countered.

Amara sighed and put down her needle. “Lani, take the girls outside and let them run the dogs for awhile,” she said.

Lani’s expression indicated that she understood perfectly well the unspoken reason behind her mother’s directive. Carefully, she laid aside the sleeve she had been working on and gestured to the twins. “Come along, girls. Let’s go and get the dogs. They will be ever so happy to see you,” she said brightly. The twins jumped up eagerly and rushed to the door, Lani following in their wake.

“ My situation was very different from yours, Son,” Amara continued after the girls had departed. “The House of Naota has always been nonconformist. That has been our strength and our weakness. We are a clan of mages, full of eccentricity and madness. My mother never married my father. She chose the practice of magic over the traditional roles of wife and mother. I was raised by my aunts and cousins. When the time came for a choice to be made for my life, neither of my parents had the right anymore to decide what I would become. I was free to make the choice for myself.”

“ You chose to become a mage, like your mother,” Ashinji said.

“ In the beginning, yes. I knew my Talent was strong. There were many things that came easily and naturally to me. I believed for a very long time that there could be no other calling for me. Then, I met your father, and suddenly, my perspective on life changed.”

A smile, slow and sweet, suffused her face with the gentle glow of a warm memory. “Ai, your father! He came sweeping into my life like a spring storm and turned everything I thought I knew about myself upside down. He convinced me that my life would be much better if I lived it with him in the outside world, rather than in the cloistered halls of a mage school.”

“ You and my father were lucky enough to be able to choose the lives that suited you best, yet you did not give that same privilege to your children. Why?” Ashinji fought to keep the bitter edge out of his voice, but by his mother’s expression, he knew she had heard it anyway.

Amara folded her hands around her son’s. She leaned forward slightly and Ashinji caught a whiff of her perfume, a special fragrance imported from the distant and mysterious lands to the east. “Ashinji,” she said softly, “I know what is in your heart…there is terrible longing for another kind of life that you cannot have. If I could have given you the freedom to choose, I would have, but it was not possible.”

She stood up and moved over to the window. “Our duty binds us too closely now, Son,” she continued, gazing out over the gardens below. “We must uphold tradition and consider what is best for the House of Sakehera before all other things, including the personal desires of any of its members. As second born, you were pledged by tradition to military service. Only the king himself can release you from that pledge.”

She sighed and turned to face Ashinji. “I beg of you, Son. Try and come to terms with what you must be, and find, if not happiness, at least contentment.”

All throughout her speech, Ashinji could do nothing but stare at the jewel-toned flowers embroidered upon the sleeves of his mother’s robe. Her words were like stones, piled one by one onto his heart until he felt as if it would be crushed.

Abruptly, he stood. “I must go now, Mother,” he stated. Through the open window, he could see Lani and the twins racing across the castle yard towards the gate, three sleek, black hounds bounding along beside them. He had meant to speak to his mother about the dream, but now, all he wanted to do was go somewhere to be alone.

“ You will be leaving at first light tomorrow?” Amara asked. She returned to the couch, picked up her needle, and resumed working.

“ Yes,” Ashinji replied.

“ Will we see you at dinner tonight?”

Ashinji considered a moment before answering. “No,” he said.

“ Then, goodbye, my son. I will see you again when you return.”

Ashinji bent down to kiss his mother in farewell. As his lips touched the soft skin of her cheek, he heard her voice in his mind, as clearly as if she had spoken aloud.

I love you, Ashi. I am sorry.

She did not look up at him as he left the room.

Ashinji finally lay down to sleep, a little past midnight. All of his gear was cleaned, oiled, and ready. An hour before dawn, a servant would come to assist him with armoring. He needed to rest, but his mind kept filling up with a relentless jumble of thoughts.

What am I going to do?

How can I go on like this?

Who is this girl I keep seeing?

Finally, he gave up and climbed out of bed. Pulling on a pair of loose trousers, he tied the drawstrings securely at his waist and went to sit by the open window across the room.

He took a deep breath of the cool night air. The starlight turned the peaks and slopes of the castle’s roofs into a mysterious black and silver landscape. Ashinji’s quarters were on the uppermost floor at the rear of the east wing; during the day, from his window, he could see out beyond the walls, across rolling green pastures dotted with clumps of trees, to the purple shadows of the vast, forbidding range of the Kesen Numai Mountains, far to the north.

He thought about taking a horse and riding northward, toward the mountains. In three days’ time, if he stopped only to sleep for a couple of hours, he would reach the city of Jokyi and its famous university. Once there, he could petition to take the entrance exams; as the son of a lord, he had already received a good primary education. He felt confident he could pass. His dream of a life as a scholar would be within his grasp.

He sighed and shook his head. Could he turn his back on his family, and forsake every value and tradition he had been raised to believe in? It would be a shocking act of disobedience against a father who had always held him in the highest esteem, for had he not always been a dutiful son? He groaned aloud and pulled his hair in frustration. For eighteen years he had lived as a soldier, and, in truth, had found some satisfaction in it. Why, now, had all of that changed?

He stood up to stretch, then went back to his bed and lay down, arms folded behind his head. He was very tired, yet he did not feel at all drowsy. He decided to close his eyes anyway…and was awakened by a soft, insistent knock upon his bedchamber door.

Must be time to get up, he thought. I slept a little after all…but no dreams. The wild-haired, sad-faced girl had not come.

He admitted the manservant, who came bustling in bearing a light breakfast-smoked fish, bread, a bowl of honey-sweetened yogurt mixed with berries, and a pot of tea. As he ate, Ashinji recalled his mother’s words. Find contentment and acceptance, she had said. The path of his life was set and had been from the very first day he had drawn breath as his father’s second born. His mother was the wisest person he knew. Perhaps, in this as in so many other things, he would be wise to heed her advice.