Alan Hollinghurst - The Stranger’s Child

‘Ah, yes…’ Paul glanced at George Sawle almost superstitiously. It wasn’t just that he’d known Lytton Strachey and Cecil Valance, but that he spoke so illusionlessly about them. Cecil loomed in the background for him, less as a poet than as some awkward piece of lumber in the family attic.

‘Dudley was a very different character,’ Sawle went on, ‘but equally under her spell. She appalled them and she fascinated them. He writes very well about her in his autobiography. I don’t know if you’ve read that?’

Paul gazed, hardly bothering to shake his head, and Peter of course said, ‘I certainly have.’

‘Awfully good, isn’t it?’

Paul said, ‘I wondered if he’d be coming tonight, actually,’ with a certain confidence, but Sawle said almost brusquely,

‘I’d be astonished if he did.’

And having said one thing, Paul thought he’d better immediately say the other thing he’d been nursing and rehearsing, ‘I wondered what you thought of Valance’s poetry, actually?’ looking from husband to wife, oracular sources. He felt he must be prepared for a tough answer; but in fact they seemed barely interested.

Madeleine said, ‘I’m honestly not a poetry person.’

The Professor seemed to muse a little longer, and said with regret, ‘It’s hard to say, when you remember them being written. They’re probably not much cop, are they?’

Peter glanced rather sweetly at Paul, and at his tender question, but seemed unwilling to disagree with the Sawles; so Paul kept silent about how much they had always meant to him.

‘I don’t mean to say, incidentally,’ said Sawle, in his way of not letting others drive him off-course, ‘that Louisa wasn’t heart-broken by Cecil’s death – I’m sure she was. But she made the most of it… you know. They did, those women. The memorial volumes, the stained-glass windows. Cecil indeed got a marble tomb by some Italian sculptor.’

‘Well, I know…’ said Peter.

‘Of course you know all about it.’

‘What’s that?’ said Paul.

‘Oh, at school,’ said Peter: ‘Cecil Valance is buried in the chapel.’

‘Really?’ said Paul, and gasped, the whole subject like a dream taking substance in the candle-lit bell of the beech-tree.

‘You must come and see him,’ said Peter, ‘if you like the poems; he’s rather splendid.’

‘Thank you,’ said Paul, ‘I’d like to very much,’ his pop-eyed look of earnest gratitude covering his surprise as Peter’s hand, stroking the napkin in his lap, wandered as if unawares on to Paul’s thigh, and lay there lightly for several seconds.

On the way in after supper Paul stuck with the Sawles for a moment, but they latched on to others with sudden warmth and relief, and so he slipped off. They’d been polite, even kind to him, but he knew it was really Peter they were interested in. In the deepening shadows between pools of candlelight, the guests, gathering up bags and glasses, conversations stretching and breaking, in an amiable jostle as they bunched in through the french windows, seemed to Paul like a flickering frieze, unknowable faces all bending willingly to something perhaps none of them individually would have chosen to do. He was drunk, and he bunched in too, the drink making him less conspicuous. Everyone was friendlier and noisier. The drawing-room appeared blocked with rows of chairs. The connecting doors into the dining-room had been flung open, and the piano turned round. Mr Keeping stood to one side with his mocking smile, asking people to go to the front, to fill up the rows. Paul buttoned his jacket and smiled politely at him as he squeezed past. The effects of the drink, free and easy outside, felt a bit more critical in the glare of the crowded room. Could people tell how drunk he was? Before anything happened he would need the lavatory; where there was a queue, of course; some of the old ladies took two minutes, nearly three minutes. He smiled at the woman in front of him and she smiled back tightly and looked away, as though they were both after the same bargain. Then he was alone in the hall with the colourful chaos of presents and cards, most of them unopened, piled on the table and under it. Books obviously, and loosely swathed plants, and soft things it was difficult to wrap neatly. His jiggling desperation grew painful with the knowledge he hadn’t bought Mrs Jacobs a present or even a card himself. When the woman at last emerged and hurried into the drawing-room Paul heard a loud rapping, a hush, a scatter of applause, and then Mrs Keeping starting to talk. Well he couldn’t not go. Better to miss the concert altogether. All he really wanted was to see Peter play, to watch him, with the beautiful and alarming new certainty that he was about to… he looked in the mirror, hardly knowing, now it came to it, what it was they might be going to do.

He finished as fast as he could, and listened – awful to pull the great clanking flush during Mrs Keeping’s opening bars. But no, they were still laughing. They must all be as drunk as he was by now. He hung about in the shadow of the door from the hall, there were two empty seats, but in the middle of rows, there was a burst of laughter which he thought for a mad second was aimed at him, and he slipped in pink-faced at the side of the room and stood against the wall, behind a row of dining chairs. Here he could see everything – but so too could everyone see him. There were two or three others standing, and at the back of the room the french windows were still open, with further guests gathered outside in what already looked like darkness. Mrs Keeping was erect in front of the piano, hands clasped, in the posture of a child reciting. He didn’t take in what she was saying. Peter was at the end of the front row, smiling at his hands, or at the floor; Mrs Jacobs in the middle of the row, the place of honour, sipping at her drink and blinking up at her daughter with delighted reproach as the surprise got under way. Paul smiled anxiously himself, and when everyone laughed he laughed too. ‘Now mother is awfully fond of music,’ Mrs Keeping said, ‘so we thought we’d better humour her by playing some.’ Laughter again – he looked at Mrs Jacobs, enjoying the collective sense of treasuring and teasing her; a woman just behind her exclaimed, ‘Dear Daphne,’ and people laughed at that too. Mrs Keeping pulled her black wrap around her upper arms and pushed back her shoulders – ‘So, to start with, her favourite composer.’

‘Aha…!’ said Mrs Jacobs, with an accepting smile, though perhaps a tiny uncertainty as to who that would turn out to be.

‘Chopin?’ said one old boy to the woman beside him.

‘You’ll see soon enough!’ said Mrs Keeping. She sat down on the piano stool, and then looked round. ‘We can’t run to the original, I fear, so this is a paraphrase by Liszt.’ There was a murmur of humorous apprehension. ‘It’s very hard !’ She fixed the music on the stand with a furious glare, and then she was off.

She could really play, couldn’t she? – that was Paul’s first feeling. He looked around hastily at the others, with a bashful grin on his face. Was it Chopin? He saw them all deciding, staring at each other, frowning or nodding, some leaning to whisper. There was a noiseless sigh, a wave of collective recognition and relief that almost made the music itself unimportant: they’d got it. He didn’t want to show that he hadn’t. He had never seen anyone play the piano seriously and at close range, and it locked him into a state of mesmerized embarrassment, made worse by the desire to conceal it. There was the noise itself, which he thought of vaguely as the noise of classical music, sameish and rhetorical, full of feelings people surely never had, and there was the sight of Mrs Keeping in action, the plunges and stabs of her bare arms up and down the keyboard. She wasn’t a large woman – it was only her presence that was crushing. Her little hands looked brave and comical as they stretched and rumbled and tinkled. She rocked and jumped from one buttock to the other, in her stiff red dress, her black wrap slipping – it twitched and drooped behind her as she moved, with a worrying life of its own. The riveting, but almost unwatchable, thing was her profile, powdered and severe, shaken by twitches and nods, like tics only just kept under control. He stared, smiling tightly, and covering his mouth and chin pensively with his hand.