Arthur Golden - Memoirs of a Geisha

“Just pick one of the stories. Which is true?”

“The other one. I don’t remember what it was.”

“We ought to make you drink a penalty glass for that, Chairman,” said Mameha.

When Pumpkin heard the words “penalty glass,” she must have assumed she’d done something wrong, because the next thing we knew, she’d drunk half a glassful of sake, and she wasn’t looking well. The Chairman was the first to notice, and took the glass right out of her hand.

“You’re not a drain spout, Pumpkin.” the Chairman said. She stared at him so blankly, he asked if she could hear him.

“She might be able to hear you,” Nobu said, “but she certainly can’t see you.”

“Come on, Pumpkin,” the Chairman said. “I’m going to walk you to your home. Or drag you, if I have to.”

Mameha offered to help, and the two of them led Pumpkin out together, leaving Nobu and the Minister sitting at the table with me.

“Well, Minister,” Nobu said at last, “how was your evening?”

I think the Minister was every bit as drunk as Pumpkin had been; but he muttered that the evening had been very enjoyable. “Very enjoyable, indeed,” he added, nodding a couple of times. After this, he held out his sake cup for me to fill, but Nobu plucked it from his hand.

All through that winter and the following spring, Nobu went on bringing the Minister to Gion once or even twice every week. Considering how much time the two of them spent together during these months, you’d think the Minister would eventually have realized that Nobu felt toward him just as an ice pick feels toward a block of ice; but if he did, he never showed the least sign. To tell the truth, the Minister never seemed to notice much of anything, except whether I was kneeling beside him and whether his cup was full of sake. This devotion made my life difficult at times; when I paid too much attention to the Minister, Nobu grew short-tempered, and the side of his face with less scarring turned a brilliant red from anger. This was why the presence of the Chairman, Mameha, and Pumpkin was so valuable to me. They played the same role straw plays in a packing crate.

Of course I valued the Chairman’s presence for another reason as well. I saw more of him during these months than I’d ever seen of him before, and over time I came to realize that the image of him in my mind, whenever I lay on my futon at night, wasn’t really how he looked, not exactly. For example, I’d always pictured his eyelids smooth with almost no lashes at all; but in fact they were edged with dense, soft hair like little brushes. And his mouth was far more expressive than I’d ever realized-so expressive, in fact, that he often hid his feelings only very poorly. When he was amused by something but didn’t want to show it, I could nevertheless spot his mouth quivering in the corners. Or when he was lost in thought-mulling over some problem he’d encountered during the day, perhaps-he sometimes turned a sake cup around and around in his hand and put his mouth into a deep frown that made creases all the way down the sides of his chin. Whenever he was carried away in this state I considered myself free to stare at him unabashedly. Something about his frown, and its deep furrows, I came to find inexpressibly handsome. It seemed to show how thoroughly he thought about things, and how seriously he was taken in the world. One evening while Mameha was telling a long story, I gave myself over so completely to staring at the Chairman that when I finally came to myself again, I realized that anyone watching me would have wondered what I was doing. Luckily the Minister was too dazed with drink to have noticed; as for Nobu, he was chewing a bite of something and poking around on the plate with his chopsticks, paying no attention either to Mameha or to me. Pumpkin, though, seemed to have been watching me all along. When I looked at her, she wore a smile I wasn’t sure how to interpret.

One evening toward the end of February, Pumpkin came down with the flu and was unable to join us at the Ichiriki. The Chairman was late that night as well, so Mameha and I spent an hour entertaining Nobu and the Minister by ourselves. We finally decided to put on a dance, more for our own benefit than for theirs. Nobu wasn’t much of a devotee, and the Minister had no interest at all. It wasn’t our first choice as a way to pass the time, but we couldn’t think of anything better.

First Mameha performed a few brief pieces while I accompanied her on the shamisen. Afterward, we exchanged places. Just as I was taking up the starting pose for my first dance-my torso bent so that my folding fan reached toward the ground, and my other arm stretched out to one side-the door slid open and the Chairman entered. We greeted him and waited while he took a seat at the table. I was delighted he’d arrived, because although I knew he’d seen me on the stage, he’d certainly never watched me dance in a setting as intimate as this one. At first I’d intended to perform a short piece called “Shimmering Autumn Leaves,” but now I changed my mind and asked Mameha to play “Cruel Rain” instead. The story behind “Cruel Rain” is of a young woman who feels deeply moved when her lover takes off his kimono jacket to cover her during a rainstorm, because she knows him to be an enchanted spirit whose body will melt away if he becomes wet. My teachers had often complimented me on the way I expressed the woman’s feelings of sorrow; during the section when I had to sink slowly to my knees, I rarely allowed my legs to tremble as most dancers did. Probably I’ve mentioned this already, but in dances of the Inoue School the facial expression is as important as the movement of the arms or legs. So although I’d like to have stolen glances at the Chairman as I was dancing, I had to keep my eyes positioned properly at all times, and was never able to do it. Instead, to help give feeling to my dance, I focused my mind on the saddest thing I could think of, which was to imagine that my danna was there in the room with me-not the Chairman, but rather Nobu. The moment I formulated this thought, everything around me seemed to droop heavily toward the earth. Outside in the garden, the eaves of the roof dripped rain like beads of weighted glass. Even the mats themselves seemed to press down upon the floor. I remember thinking that I was dancing to express not the pain of a young woman who has lost her supernatural lover, but the pain I myself would feel when my life was finally robbed of the one thing I cared most deeply about. I found myself thinking, too, of Satsu; I danced the bitterness of our eternal separation. By the end I felt almost overcome with grief; but I certainly wasn’t prepared for what I saw when I turned to look at the Chairman.

He was sitting at the near corner of the table so that, as it happened, no one but me could see him. I thought he wore an expression of astonishment at first, because his eyes were so wide. But just as his mouth sometimes twitched when he tried not to smile, now I could see it twitching under the strain of a different emotion. I couldn’t be sure, but I had the impression his eyes were heavy with tears. He looked toward the door, pretending to scratch the side of his nose so he could wipe a finger in the corner of his eye; and he smoothed his eyebrows as though they were the source of his trouble. I was so shocked to see the Chairman in pain that I felt almost disoriented for a moment. I made my way back to the table, and Mameha and Nobu began to talk. After a moment the Chairman interrupted.

“Where is Pumpkin this evening?”

“Oh, she’s ill, Chairman,” said Mameha.