Виктор Пелевин - Buddha's Little Finger

‘I never said that, I said there was no need to tell him anything about the eternal high - but that doesn’t mean he knows anything about it. If he knew anything’ - Volodin laid a heavy stress on the word ‘knew’ - ‘then he’d be a witness at your inner trial.’

‘You mean I got witnesses inside me as well? Explain that to me.’

‘Well then, imagine you’ve done some foul shit. The inner prosecutor says you’re a scumball, the accused stares at the wall, and the inner brief mumbles something about a difficult childhood.’

‘Well?’

‘But for the trial to begin, you have to remember the shit you’ve done, don’t you?’

‘That’s obvious enough.’

‘So when you’re remembering it, you become a witness.’

‘From listening to you,’ said Shurik, ‘I must have the entire courtroom inside me.’

‘Why, what else did you expect?’

Shurik said nothing for a short while, then he suddenly slapped his hands against his thighs.

‘Ah!’ he yelled abruptly. ‘Now I’ve twigged it! I’ve twigged how to switch on to that eternal high! You’ve got to turn into that fourth guy, right? Like being the prosecutor or the brief

‘That’s right. Only how are you going to turn into him?’

‘Dunno, I s’pose you have to want to.’

‘If you want to be the fourth guy, you won’t turn into him, you’ll just be someone who wanted to be him. And that’s a big difference. You don’t turn into the prosecutor when you want to be him, but only after you really say to yourself in your heart, «Shurik, you’re a real shit.» And then afterwards your inner brief realizes that a moment ago he was the prosecutor.’

‘Okay,’ said Shurik. ‘Then tell me, how can you turn into that fourth guy if you don’t want to?’

‘It’s not a matter of whether you want to or you don’t. The point is that if you want something, then for sure you’re not the fourth guy, but somebody else. Because the fourth guy doesn’t want anything at all. Why should he want anything when he’s surrounded by the eternal high?’

‘Listen, why d’you keep on being so mysterious about it? Can’t you just tell me in normal words who this fourth guy is?’

‘I can say anything you like, but there’s no point.’

‘Well, try it anyway.’

‘Well, for instance, you could say he’s the son of God.’

While these words still hung in the air, the three men by the fire suddenly heard the crowing of cocks on every side - which was very odd, if you think about it, because there hadn’t been any chickens kept in that district since the Twentieth Party Congress. Be that as it may, the crowing came again and again, and the ancient sounds gave rise to terrible thoughts, perhaps about witchcraft and devil-worship, or perhaps about the Chechen mounted cavalry breaking through to Moscow, hurtling across the steppe with their Stingers all poised for launching, crowing like cocks to send military intelligence off on a false trail. This latter supposition seemed to be supported by the fact that the cries always came in threes, and were followed by a brief pause. It was very mysterious indeed. For a while they all listened, entranced, to this forgotten music, and then the crowing either faded away or mingled so completely with the background noise that it no longer held their interest. No doubt they simply thought to themselves that anything can happen when you’re on mushrooms. The conversation picked up again.

‘You just keep on trashing my brains over and over again,’ said Shurik. ‘Can’t you just tell me straight out how I turn into him?’

‘I told you, if you could just turn into him like that, then everybody would have been tripping long ago. The problem is that the only way to become the fourth guy is to stop turning into all the others.’

‘You mean you have to turn into no one?’

‘You have to stop being no one too. You have to not become anyone and stop being no one at the same time, get it? And the moment you’re in there, you’re off tripping, quicker than a flash. And it’s for ever.’

Kolyan gasped quietly. Shurik gave him a sideways glance. Kolyan was sitting motionless, as though he had turned to stone. His mouth had turned into a triangular hole, and his eyes seemed to have turned inwards.

‘You sure pile it on, for real,’ said Shurik. ‘I’ll start leaking marbles any moment.’

‘Let them leak,’ Volodin said gently. ‘What do you need those marbles for anyway?’

‘Nan, that’s no good,’ said Shurik. ‘If I drop all my marbles, then you soon won’t have no marbles either.’

‘How’s that?’ asked Volodin.

‘Just you remember who your cover is. Me and Kolyan, isn’t it? Isn’t that right, Kol?’

Kolyan didn’t answer.

‘Hey, Kolyan!’ Shurik shouted.

Again Kolyan didn’t answer. He sat there by the fire with his back held straight up, gazing straight ahead, but not looking at Shurik sitting there in front of him, or Volodin slightly to his left. It was obvious that he wasn’t looking at them at all, he was gazing into nowhere. But the most remarkable thing of all was that a column of light had appeared above his head, reaching far up into the heavens.

At first glance the column looked like no more than a narrow thread, but the instant Shurik and Volodin started paying attention to it, it began expanding and growing brighter - and yet somehow it didn’t illuminate the clearing or the men sitting by the fire, it only illuminated itself. Then it took in the fire and the four people sitting round it, and suddenly they were surrounded by this light, and there was nothing else around them at all,

‘Fuck me!’ The sound of Shurik’s voice came from every side.

In reality, there weren’t any sides at all, or any voices either, instead of the voice there was a certain presence, which announced itself in a way that made it clear it was Shurik. And the meaning of the announcement was such that the best words for expressing it were clearly ‘fuck me!’.

‘For real. Volodin, can you hear me?’

‘Yes,’ Volodin answered from everywhere.

‘Is this the eternal high then?’

‘Why are you asking me? Look for yourself. You know everything now, you can see everything.’

‘Yeah… What’s this stuff all around us? Ah, yes, that’s it… of course. But where’s everything else gone to?’

‘It hasn’t gone anywhere. Everything’s where it should be. Try looking a bit harder…’

‘Oh, yeah. Kolyan, where are you? How you doing?’

‘Me!’ came the response from the glowing void. ‘Me!’

‘Hey, Kolyan! Answer me!’

‘Me!!! Me!!!’

‘So that’s how it all really is, eh? Who’d have thought it?’ Shurik went on, excited and happy. ‘I’d never have guessed. Listen, Volodin, don’t even bother to answer, I’ll get it myself… Who could ever have imagined it? No way could anyone ever imagine this! No way, not ever! No way, no how!’

‘Me!!!’ responded Kolyan.

‘Turns out there’s nothing to be afraid of in the world,’ Shurik went on. ‘Absolutely nothing at all. I know everything, I can see everything. I can see and understand anythin’ you like. Why, even… Well, well, well… Listen, Kolyan, we didn’t ought to have wasted Kosoy that time. He never took the dough. It was… So it was you took it, Kolyan!’

‘Me!!! Me!!! Me!!! Me!!!’

‘Cut the spiel,’ Volodin interrupted, ‘or we’ll all get thrown out.’

‘Why, the rotten bastard,’ yelled Shurik, ‘he threw everyone a curve.’

‘Cut it out, I said. This isn’t the time. Better take a look at yourself.’

‘What self?’

‘So who’s that talking now? Take a look at him.’

‘At myself? Oh… Right… Whoah…’