Charles Benoit: You

© 2010

You’re surprised at all the blood.

He looks over at you, eyes wide, mouth dropping open, his face almost as white as his shirt.

He’s surprised, too.

There’s not a lot of broken glass, though, just some tiny slivers around his feet and one big piece busted into sharp peaks like a spiking line graph, the blood washing down it like rain on a windshield.

He doesn’t say anything clever or funny, doesn’t quote Shakespeare, he just screams. But no one can hear him, and it would be too late if they could.

You’re thinking, this wasn’t the way it was supposed to go, this shouldn’t be happening. And now things are only going to get worse.

You’re just a kid.

It can’t be your fault.

But then there’s all that blood.

So, maybe it is your fault, but that doesn’t make things any better.

And it doesn’t matter one way or the other.

Think.

When did it go wrong?

The break-in?

No, before that.

The party?

That was part of it, but that wasn’t when it started.

Zack?

Of course, yeah, it would be easy to say it was Zack. But that’s not it, is it?

Before Zack.

Before Ryan. Before Max or Derrick or that whole thing with the wallet.

Before Ashley.

Before tenth grade even began.

You run your finger down the list of homeroom assignments until you spot your name.

Kyle Chase-room 202-Mr. Lynn.

You’re looking through the other names when Max comes up behind you, pretending to bump into you as if he didn’t see you, like he always does. You ignore him. Like you always do. Max is the closest thing you have to a best friend in this school, and that pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Back in eighth grade you never said two words to him, but that was before everybody you hung with went to Odyssey High. Things are different now.

“See who’s in your homeroom?”

Of course you see who’s there. You walked halfway around the building to check the list, but you act as if you don’t hear him.

“Ashley.” He leans in as he says it, his voice getting all nasal like he’s five frickin’ years old.

“So?” You shrug, wondering for the thousandth time why you ever told him anything.

“What do you mean, so ?” He’s getting loud now and you just wish he’d shut the hell up. He’d be all right if he wasn’t so immature or deliberately stupid, but that’s pretty much everything he is. When he’s not around anybody, when it’s just you two, he’s different. Not a lot, but enough. You ignore his question. He’s used to it.

“I got Lynn,” you tell him, and he nods. Mr. Lynn is the whacked-out English teacher who likes poetry way too much, but he’s always been fair to you and to the other so-called hoodies, the name coming from the black sweatshirt jackets you wear. The rest of your schedule might suck, but at least homeroom will be tolerable.

“I got Perez,” Max says. “Derrick’s in there, too.”

You nod, but you’re thinking about Ashley Bianchi, something you’ve been doing since June, when she left for her family’s cottage up on some lake. You tell yourself that summer would have been a lot better if she had been around, positive that you would have actually called her up and gone out to the movies or something. And there would have been times when her parents were out or your parents were out and you could have been together without everybody standing around staring. But before you can think too much about it, about this hookup that would have been excellent, two chimes sound and teachers step into the hall to corral everybody into their homerooms.

Welcome to the official start of tenth grade.

Welcome to the last year of your life.

Mr. Lynn reads off the attendance list and you raise one finger when he calls your name. He smiles at you and says “Welcome,” just like he did for the lacrosse players and the honor-roll students and you wonder why the other teachers can’t treat you like that.

The room’s dead quiet. After months of sleeping in till noon, six o’clock came too early and everyone has that glazed-over, already-bored look in their eyes. You recognize most of the people in the room, know about half of their names, but there are some kids who are obviously new, doing their best to look like they’ve been here before. She’s sitting up front on the other side of the room, and when Lynn calls your name she turns in her chair, a look on her face like she’s surprised to see you, and she smiles and waves. You can’t help but smile back and you give a goofy wave and immediately feel like an idiot. She has that effect on you.

She’s got a dark tan, helped along by her Italian genes, and like every other white girl in the class, in the school, in the country, she’s wearing her hair long and straight and parted on the side. You remember her hair being longer at the end of the year but then realize that she must have gotten it cut for the start of school, probably the same weekend she bought the jeans and shirt she is wearing. You know every outfit she wore in ninth grade. This one is definitely new.

Last weekend you were supposed to get a haircut too, but you told your parents that you forgot. And you didn’t buy any new clothes, either. You’ve got drawers full of black T-shirts and worn-in jeans, and there are three hoodies in your closet, two regular black ones and a black one with these flaming skulls on the arm that your one cool aunt bought you last Christmas. Your friends drill on the sheeplike posers in their Aberzombie & Fitch sweaters and Aéropostale button-downs. You never bother mentioning the T-shirt/jeans/hoodie uniform you all wear.

Lynn’s reading off the day’s schedule. He tells the class things they already know, like how the school has a rotating schedule and that today you’ll spend a short time in all of your classes and that lunch will be blah blah blah and tryouts for blah blah blah will be after school in the auditorium and right then, ten minutes into your first day back to school, you start counting how many days it will be till the end of the year so you can get back to what you did over the summer.

Which was nothing.

But it wasn’t this.

Math.

It’s your favorite subject. Which surprises you.

Last year your teacher tried to convince you that you had a real “aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and you weren’t trying there, either, so maybe you are good at math after all.

You like it because either you’re right or you’re wrong. Not like social studies and definitely not like English, where you always have to explain your answers and support your opinions . With math it’s right or it’s wrong and you’re done with it. But even that’s changing, with Ms. Ortman up there at the whiteboard saying how this year you’ll be writing something she calls Mental Notes, which explain how you solved the problem and support your answer, saying that having the right answer isn’t as important as explaining how you got it and bam, just like that, you hate math.

“Now, tomorrow you’ll have a quiz worth sixty percent of your grade this quarter.” She pauses like she’s some stand-up comedian before she adds, “Only kidding,” as if it wasn’t obvious. But then you notice half of your classmates sitting there with their eyes all popped out and you think, are they really that stupid?