Abbi Glines - Existence

I stepped off the elevator at the pediatric floor and three of the souls I’d passed on the previous floor stood watching me. I nodded to them. “Hello,” I said brightly and they all seemed surprised. I turned and followed the directions the front desk volunteer had given me. It didn’t take me but a few moments to realize the pediatric floor was full of wandering souls. I walked past kids in wheelchairs watching me with curiosity. I smiled and said hello as I passed by them. My heart began to ache for reasons other than my loss. Seeing the little smiles on their pale faces wasn’t easy. A little girl with long, red, curly hair caught my attention. She stood at the door to her hospital room staring, not at me but on either side of me and behind me with curiosity before looking directly at me. I slowed my walk and glanced back, realizing that most of the souls I had smiled at and spoken to were following me. She could see them. I stopped and studied her little, sweet face. She was standing up with the use of what appeared to be a walker. She glanced back at them again and smiled warmly and then her little eyes found me. “Do you see them?” I asked in a whisper, afraid others would hear me and think I was insane. She nodded sending her head of red curls bouncing around her.

“Do you?” she asked me in a loud whisper. I nodded. “Cool,” she replied, grinning. I winked and then continued on my way to the activity room. I couldn’t stand and talk to a child in the halls about the souls we could both see without drawing attention. I’d never met anyone else who could see souls. It was hard to just walk away from her knowing little face. But I knew I would see her again. I intended to find her later.

I found the sky blue door with the quote, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss , painted on it in bright colors. This was where I was supposed to be. I opened it up and immediately found the shelves of books to the right.

I turned back and smiled at the souls who’d followed me inside, “Do any of you have a suggestion?” They all studied me and some drew closer to watch me or touch me. I couldn’t feel them. “No one?” The room remained silent. I sighed and turned back to the books. “Very well, I’ll pick one out myself.”

“My favorite is Where the Wild Things Are.” I spun back around thinking a soul had finally spoken. The souls were all watching the little red headed girl from the hallway. She was standing at the open door smiling at me. “They won’t talk to you, you know. They can’t,” she said as she walked inside.

“They can’t?” I asked staring down into her eyes that appeared so much older than her little body.

She shook her head sadly and sighed. “No, I’ve tried to get them to. They like for you to talk to them.” She paused. “Well, some of them like for you to talk to them but they can’t talk back. They are souls fighting their return so they stay here and wander aimlessly.” She glanced back over her shoulder at them with a sigh. “But they start to forget who they are or why they are here. It’s sad, really. If they would have gone on in the first place then their souls would have been given another body and another life instead of this pointless existence.”

I walked over and sat down on the chair in front of her. “How do you know this?” I asked, amazed someone so small could know so much more than me about the souls I’d seen my whole life.

She shrugged. “I guess he didn’t want me to be scared.

They are scared of him, you see, and he didn’t want me to be scared of him. He didn’t want me to be scared of them either. And I think maybe he didn’t want me to become like them.”

I shook my head trying to figure out who she was talking about. “What do you mean? Who is he?”

She frowned and the souls who had gathered in the room vanished. “They’re scared of him, like I said. He’s the only thing they do remember because he was the last thing they saw while alive. Silly, really, it isn’t his fault. It was just their appointed time.” I froze at her words and grabbed the arm of the chair I was sitting in for support.

My heart started pounding in my chest as I asked, “What do you mean by ‘appointed time’?”

She studied me a minute and then whispered, “It was their appointed time to die. Just like mine will come soon. He told me. He wasn’t supposed to but he can break the rules if he wants. No one can stop him. It’s ultimately his decision.” I swallowed the bile in my throat at the mention of this little girl talking about her death.

“Who told you?” I asked again.

She shook her head. “Don’t look so sad. He said this body I have is sick and once I die I’ll get a new body and a new life. Souls aren’t forced to wander the Earth. Only those too scared to go on are left here to wander. If you chose to leave the Earth you’ll return in a new body and a new life. Your soul will, however, be the same. He told me the man who wrote my favorite books, The Chronicles of Narnia, said that ‘You are not a body. You have a body. You are a Soul’.” She smiled at the idea like it was brilliant.

I took a deep breath to calm myself before asking one more time. “Who is ‘he’?”

She frowned. “The author? C.S. Lewis.”

I shook my head. “No, the ‘he’ that has told you all of this. The ‘he’ that the souls are scared of.” She frowned and turned around to leave. “No, wait, please…I need to know who he is,” I begged.

She glanced back at me and shook her head. “Until it’s your appointed time you can’t know.” She left.

I held the book, Where the Wild Things Are , in my hands, ready to read as the kids filed in, but she didn’t come with them. I forced a smile and cheerful tone as I read the words I remembered from my childhood. Several kids requested other books when I finished and numbly I got each book off the shelf and read them their request until the nurses insisted it was time to return to their rooms for dinner. After several hugs and ‘thank you’s I headed back down the halls. This time I didn’t bother to smile at the wandering souls. They couldn’t help me. I was pretty sure the only one who could was the little girl who’d spoken to ‘him’ and deep down I feared I knew exactly who ‘he’ was and what it was he did.

“I have a surprise for you,” Leif announced as he sauntered into my living room at seven that night. I peered up from the textbook lying open on the table and smiled at him. Seeing Leif helped ease the hollowness inside me. He bent down, kissed me on the lips softly, and then laid a brochure down in front of me on the table.

“Gatlinburg, Tennessee?” I asked, reading the brochure in front of me with the image of a snowy mountaintop with a ski lift and festively-lit streets.

He beamed and sat down in the chair beside me. “A whole weekend of skiing and shopping. My grandparents have a cabin up there we go to this time every year. I spoke with Miranda and she has got the go-ahead from her dad. He’s covering the cost of travel and spending for her and Wyatt, and my parents want to treat you in return for all your hard work in helping me achieve an A in Speech.” He grinned wickedly. “And because they knew I wouldn’t go unless you did.”

Going on a skiing holiday wasn’t something I wanted to think about right now. Emotionally, I was barely hanging on and I needed to find Dank. I just couldn’t figure out how I was going to find him exactly.

“Wow.” I forced a smile. He took my fake smile as encouragement and opened the brochure. He began talking about all the things to do on top of the mountain. I was trying to wrap my mind around how I could tell him no when my mother walked in.