Michael Ford: Suicide Notes

After that, I didn’t want to be around Burke and Allie. At least not when they were together. It was too much. Every time I saw Burke I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I liked him. He’s got these amazing brown eyes and a killer smile. When he looks at you, you feel like he’s really looking at you, if you know what I mean. I wanted him to look at me like that all the time.

But of course he was always looking at Allie. And she was always talking about him. To me. And there was absolutely no way I could tell her why I didn’t want to hear it. So for a few months I was all crushed out on him and totally miserable. I got jealous every time Allie talked about him or when I saw them holding hands or kissing.

Then, right before Christmas, the three of us were at this party at Rebecca Miller’s house. Her parents were out of town, which means we were drinking a little. Or in my case, a lot. I think I had a couple of beers, which really does a number on your head when you’re not used to drinking.

The weird thing is that I felt happy and sad all at the same time. The more beer I drank and the more I watched Allie with Burke, the more confused I got. I wanted my best friend back. But I also couldn’t stop wondering what it would be like for Burke to be as into me as he was into Allie. I’d never thought about another guy like that—or about anybody like that. The truth is, I didn’t think about sex all that much, because when I did, it scared me. It wasn’t until that night at the party that I knew why it scared me.

When I realized what I was feeling, I thought I might be sick, so I went upstairs to the bathroom where no one would hear me. I knelt in front of the toilet and waited for everything to come up. I remember my head was spinning a little. I closed my eyes, but that just made it worse, so I hung over the bowl, staring at the water and feeling my insides churn.

I didn’t throw up, though, and after a while I felt a little bit better. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I wanted to punch the guy in the mirror in the face for being such a freak. It was like I wasn’t even looking at myself, I was looking at someone I’d never seen before, someone I didn’t want to see ever again.

That’s when the door opened. I’d forgotten to lock it. And before I could say something, in walked Burke. He looked at me and smiled this big, almost-drunk smile. “Hey, man,” he said. “You done?”

I couldn’t say anything, so I just nodded.

“Cool,” he said. “I need to take a major leak.”

He didn’t wait for me to leave. He walked over to the toilet, unzipped, and pulled himself out. I tried not to look, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t even care if he saw me looking, but he didn’t notice anything. When he was done, he turned around and looked at me while he zipped up.

“You look wasted, buddy,” he said, grinning again.

He was standing right in front of me. Even drunk, he was beautiful. “This party is killer, isn’t it?” he said. His breath smelled like beer, but I didn’t care.

“Yeah,” I said. “Killer.” I wanted to get out of that bathroom, but I couldn’t leave. My feet wouldn’t move.

“Hey,” said Burke. “There’s something I want to ask you.”

My heart did this weird flip-flop thing when he said that. For a second—just a split second—I had this idea that he was going to ask me out. I don’t know why, but I imagined him asking me to go to a movie or something. And the thing is, at that moment I really wanted him to. I remembered the popcorn, and his fingers, and that tingling feeling hit me again.

“What?” I said, barely able to get the word out.

Burke looked all serious for a second. “It’s about Allie,” he said. He sounded nervous, which wasn’t like him at all. Burke doesn’t get nervous. He’s always cool. Then I got even more nervous, because I was imagining all kinds of things he could say next.

Burke looked right into my eyes. Everything stopped while I waited for him to ask me his question. Then he said, “What should I get her for Christmas?”

It took me a few seconds to understand what he’d said. When it finally registered, I was surprised at how sad I was. But I couldn’t let him know that. I had to think of something to say. “Uh, she likes clothes,” I said.

Burke shook his head. “I’m no good at picking out that shit,” he told me.

“I can go with you,” I said before I knew it. “We can pick something out together.” As soon as I said it, I felt like a moron. What kind of guy tells another guy he’ll go shopping with him? But all I could think about right then was how much I wanted to do something with Burke. Anything. Even shop for his girlfriend’s Christmas present. That’s how I was thinking of Allie, as his girlfriend. Not my best friend.

Burke laughed. “Cool,” he said, like it was the most normal thing in the world. “Cool.” Then he patted my arm. “You’re a cool guy,” he said.

My heart was racing so fast I thought I might be having a heart attack.

And then I did it. I couldn’t stop myself. Burke was touching my arm, we’d just made a kind of date, and I was suddenly happier than I’d ever been in my whole life. Before I even knew what I was doing, I leaned forward and kissed him right on the mouth. I remember thinking, for the few seconds our lips were touching, that Allie had been right. His lips were as soft as a kitten.

He pushed me away, but not hard. “Hey there,” he said, kind of laughing. “Don’t get all gay on me. It’s not like I asked you out or something.” He laughed again.

I didn’t say anything. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Not because of what I thought he might do, but because of what I’d done. I tried to think of something to say to him to make it all go away, something to explain why I’d kissed him, but I knew there was nothing that would erase that kiss.

I guess Burke saw that I wasn’t laughing with him. He stopped laughing and his eyebrows wrinkled up, like he just realized he’d been tricked. “What’s up?” he asked. He stared into my eyes for a few seconds. “Wait,” he said then, pulling back and looking at me as if he’d never seen me before. “Are you a fag?”

Now, I’d been called a fag before. But not in the way Burke meant it. Sometimes guys just say that, like “You’re such a fag,” meaning you’re doing something lame. Burke meant something else, though. Suddenly, that word was the most dangerous word in the English language.

I tried to answer him. “I… I really like you,” I said.

Burke stepped back. “Holy shit,” he said. He had this look on his face that terrified me. “Holy shit,” he said again.

“Burke,” I said, reaching out to him. “Burke, don’t…”

He put his hands up, blocking me from getting any nearer. He shook his head. “You are a fag,” he said.

He pushed past me and left the bathroom. A few seconds later, everything in my stomach came up. I puked all over the floor and all over myself. It felt like I was throwing up my heart. I was crying and couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to be dead.

I cleaned up the mess on the floor with some towels, but my clothes were still all dirty. I just wanted to get out of there. That’s when I remembered that to get out I would have to go down the stairs and through the party. Allie would be there, and I knew that by now Burke would have told her what happened. What I was. I couldn’t face her.

I thought about going out the window, but I was still feeling like crap, and I was afraid I’d fall and make things even worse. Finally I went into the hall. I stood at the top of the stairs, listening to the people laughing below me. I imagined they were laughing at me, that Burke had told them all about how I’d kissed him, about how I was a fag, and that they thought it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. I just knew they were all waiting for the big fag to appear so that they could make fun of me.