Sue Townsend - The Woman who Went to Bed for a Year

‘Yes,’ said Eva. ‘Are you a natural redhead, Titania?’

Titania sat on the soup chair and began to cry, again. ‘He promised he would leave you after Christmas.’

‘Perhaps he will,’ said Eva. ‘Boxing Day is still Christmas. Perhaps he’ll leave me tomorrow’

‘My husband has thrown me out,’ said Titania. ‘I’ve got nowhere to go.’

Eva was rarely malicious – she had a heart as soft as her goose-down pillows – but she resented the eight years she had been lied to. ‘Come and live here,’ she said. ‘You can join Brian in his main shed. There’s plenty of wardrobe space. As we both know, Brian has no clothes to speak of.’

Titania said, ‘I don’t sense that this is an altruistic gesture.’

Eva admitted, ‘No, it’s not. He likes his solitude. He will hate having somebody else living full-time in his precious shed.’

The two women laughed, though not companionably. Titania said, ‘I’ll finish my drink, then I’ll get my stuff out of the car.’

Eva said, ‘Tell me something. Do you fake your orgasms?’

‘There usually isn’t time, he’s finished in a couple of minutes. I sort myself out.’

Eva said, ‘Poor Brian, in the football league of lovers, he’s Accrington Stanley.’

Why has nobody told him?’ said Titania.

‘It’s because we pity him,’ said Eva, ‘and we’re stronger than him.’

Titania confided, ‘When I was invited to CERN to work on the collider, he said, “Really? They must be in trouble.”‘

Eva said, ‘When I first showed him the embroidered chair that I’d worked on for two years, he said, “I could learn to embroider, if I put my mind to it. It’s only cloth, needle and thread, isn’t it?”‘

Titania ran her hands over the arms of the chair, and said, ‘It’s exquisite.’

When she’d gone, Eva knelt at the window and watched Titania struggle to bring in what looked like the contents of a small household.

In the kitchen, Titania and Brian started to row over his reluctance to carry her belongings down to the shed. The others drifted away from the kitchen table and sat on the stairs, not knowing where to go or what to do.

Eva heard their subdued voices echoing in the hallway, and invited them into her room.

Ruby lowered herself into the soup chair, Stanley perched on the end of the bed, using his walking stick as a support, and the others sat cross-legged on the floor, with their backs against the walls.

Alexander caught Eva’s gaze, and held it for a moment. Thomas and Venus began to play Cruel Russian Ballet Teacher, a game they had perfected over Christmas. When Venus ranted at Thomas that his arabesque was ‘rubbish’, and threatened to beat him with an imaginary stick, Alexander sent them downstairs to play.

Brian Junior’s mobile rang.

It was Ho.

Brian Junior said, ‘Yes?’ into the phone.

Where do I go to collect government money?’ asked Ho.

Brian Junior was momentarily confused. ‘I’m not with you. Explain.’

Ho said, ‘I have no money left for food. And I am hungry. I have phoned Poppy, but she does not answer. So, do you know the location of the government money office in Leeds?’

Brian Junior explained, ‘It won’t be open today. And they won’t give you any when they do open – you’re a full-time student.’

Ho asked again, ‘Where will I get money?’

Brian Junior said, ‘Ho, I can’t help you. I haven’t got room in my head for somebody else’s problems.’

‘If I go to one of your churches, and ask one of the priests for money, will they give me some?’

‘Probably not.’

‘But if I tell them I am very hungry, and have not eaten for two days and two nights?’

Brian Junior squirmed and said, ‘Please, this is making me feel ill.’

‘But I am like your Jesus in the desert. Sometimes he had no food.’

Brian Junior passed the phone to Brianne, who had been listening closely.

Brianne said angrily to Ho, ‘Now you’ve made three of us miserable.’

Ho said, ‘The phone is telling me that I have low credit power.’

Brianne said, ‘This is what you do. You put on your coat and your red scarf, and you go to the Sikh temple. It’s on the main road at the rear of our building There are orange flags flying outside. They will give you food. I know, because a boy in my seminar group blew his loan on a second-hand motorbike and a drum kit in the first week of term, and the Sikhs had to feed him for a month. Now, repeat back the instructions I have just given to you,’ she said, sternly. She listened for a moment, then said, ‘Right – coat, scarf, keys. Go now,’ and switched the phone off.

Alexander murmured, ‘Another Nazi in the house.’

Eva said, ‘Why is the poor boy in such a state?’

Brianne said, ‘He gave Poppy most of his money.

Stanley observed, ‘All roads lead to Poppy. What’s to be done with her?’

Brianne said, ‘I would happily see her walking away from our house, barefoot and dying in the snow.’

Eva held her head in her hands and said, ‘Brianne, please don’t talk like that. It makes you sound so callous.’

Brianne shouted, ‘You know nothing about her or the damage she’s caused! Why do you allow her to stay in our house? You know that me and Bri hate her guts!’

Ruby said, ‘Well, I for one feel sorry for the poor kid. Her main and dad have just died! I had a long talk with her yesterday. They’re bringing the bodies back to Leicester, and I told her to use the Co-op funeral service. They did a lovely job for your granddad. It wasn’t their fault they went to the wrong house to pick the body up. Fair-tree Avenue does sound like Fir Tree Avenue.’

Brianne knelt at the side of the soup chair and said, very slowly and deliberately, looking into her grandmother’s face, ‘Gran, why would the Dundee authorities bring her parents’ bodies back to Leicester? When, according to Poppy, they lived in a house in Hampstead, surrounded by their rich relations and celebrity friends. Hugh Grant was her next-door neighbour.’

Ruby said, impatiently, ‘I know that! Poppy told me that they used to give him rides in their plane. He took over the controls once, when Poppy’s dad fell ill at the wheel. He had to make an emergency landing on Hampstead Heath. A policeman was slightly hurt.’

Brianne shouted, ‘You stupid old woman! Everything she’s told you has been a complete lie!’

Ruby’s face crumpled. ‘I’m surprised at you, Brianne. Talking to your elders in such a way. You used to be such a nice quiet girl. You’ve changed since you went to that university.’

Brianne leapt up. ‘There are no bodies coming back to the Co-op! Her parents are alive and living in Maidenhead! Her mother was on Facebook this morning, telling her “friends” that she’d had an electric blanket for Christmas!’

Eva said, ‘How can you possibly know that?’

Brianne and Brian Junior exchanged a look, and Brian Junior said, ‘We’re good with computers.’

Brianne put her arm around Brian Junior’s shoulder and said, ‘She isn’t Poppy Roberts. Her name is Paula Gibb. Her parents live in a council house. They don’t own a private plane. They don’t even have a car or central heating.’

Alexander said, ‘At least they’ve got an electric blanket.’ He looked around the group.

Nobody but Eva was laughing.

Stanley asked, ‘How long have you known?’

Brianne said, ‘A couple of days. We saved it. There’s never anything to do on Boxing Day, is there?’

Yvonne remarked, ‘I think it’s disgusting personally, myself. The two of your big brains against that little grieving girl.’

Brianne said, calmly, ‘Bri, time to fetch the Poppy files.’