Jodi Picoult - Sing You Home

“Max,” Wade begins, “why have you petitioned the court for custody of these pre-born children?”

“Objection,” Angela Moretti says. “It’s one thing to listen to him calling embryos ‘pre-born children’ during his opening statement, but are we going to have to listen to this through the entire trial?”

“Overruled,” the judge replies. “I don’t care about semantics, Ms. Moretti. You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Mr. Baxter, answer the question.”

I take a deep breath. “I want to make sure they have a wonderful life, with my brother, Reid, and his wife, Liddy.”

His wife, Liddy. The words burn my tongue.

“Why didn’t you negotiate custody in your divorce agreement?”

“We didn’t have lawyers; we did our own divorce settlement. I knew we were supposed to divide up the property, but these… these were children.”

“Under what circumstances were these pre-born children created?” Wade asks.

“When Zoe and I were married, we wanted to have kids. We wound up having in vitro fertilization five times.”

“Which of you two is infertile?”

“We both are,” I say.

“How was the in vitro done?”

As Wade walks me through our medical history, I feel a sad emptiness in my stomach. Could a marriage of nine years really come down to this: two miscarriages, one stillbirth? It is hard to imagine that all that’s left behind are some legal documents, and this trail of blood.

“How did you react to the stillbirth?” Wade says.

It sounds awful to say so, but when a baby dies, I think the mother has it easier. She can grieve on the outside; her loss is something everyone can actually see in the slope of her belly. For me, though, the loss was on the inside. It ate away at me. So that, for a long time, all I wanted to do was fill myself.

God knows I tried to, with alcohol.

My eyes are tearing up; this embarrasses me. I duck my head. “I may not have shown it the way Zoe did,” I say, “but it wrecked me. Completely. I knew I couldn’t go through that again even though she wanted to.” Looking up, I find Zoe staring right at me. “So I said I wanted a divorce.”

“What was your life like after that, Max?”

Just like that, my throat seems to turn into cotton, so that I feel like if I don’t have a drink I’ll die. I force myself to think of Liddy, the other night, sitting on the edge of my bed, praying over me. “I went through a bad time. I missed a lot of work opportunities. And I started drinking again. My brother took me into his home, but I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. And then one day, I crashed my truck into a tree and wound up in the hospital.”

“Did things change after that?”

“Yes,” I say, “I found Jesus.”

“Objection, Your Honor,” Angela Moretti says. “We’re in court, not a revival meeting.”

“I’ll allow it,” Judge O’Neill replies.

“So you became religious,” Wade prompts.

I nod. “I started going to the Eternal Glory Church, and talking to the pastor-Clive Lincoln. He saved my life. I mean, I was a complete mess. I’d screwed up my home life; I was an alcoholic, and I didn’t know anything about religion. I thought at first that, if I went to church, everyone would be judging me. But I was completely blown away. These people didn’t care who I was-they saw who I could be. I started going to adult Bible study, and to potluck dinners, and to the fellowship hour after Sunday’s services. They all prayed for me-Reid and Liddy and Pastor Clive and everyone else in the congregation. They loved me unconditionally. And one day I sat down on the edge of my bed and asked Jesus to be the Savior of my soul and the Lord of my life. When He did, the seed of the Holy Spirit was planted in my heart.”

When I finish, I feel like there’s light coming out from inside me. I look over at Zoe, who is staring at me as if she’s never seen me before.

“Your Honor,” Angela Moretti says. “Apparently Mr. Preston didn’t get the memo about the separation of church and state…”

“My client has the right to testify about what changed his life,” Wade answers. “Religion is what led Mr. Baxter to file this lawsuit.”

“In this particular case, I have to agree,” Judge O’Neill says. “Mr. Baxter’s spiritual transformation is intrinsic to the matter at hand.”

“I can’t believe this,” Angela Moretti mutters. “Literally and figuratively.” She sits back down, arms folded.

“Just to clarify,” Wade asks me, “do you still drink alcohol?”

I think about the Bible I’ve sworn on. I think about Liddy, who so badly wants this baby. “Not a drop,” I lie.

“How long have you been divorced?”

“It’s been final for about three months, now.”

“After your divorce, when was the next time you thought about your pre-born children?”

“Objection! If he’s going to keep calling these embryos children, Your Honor, I’m going to keep objecting-”

“And I’m going to keep overruling,” Judge O’Neill says.

When Wade and I practiced the answer to this question, he suggested I say, Every day. But I am thinking of how I lied about drinking, and how I can feel Jesus just behind me, and how He knows when you aren’t being true to yourself or to Him. So when the judge looks at me for a response, I say, “Not until Zoe came to talk to me about them, a month ago.”

For a second, I think Wade Preston is going into cardiac arrest. Then his features smooth. “And what did she say?”

“She wanted to use them to have a baby with her… with Vanessa.”

“How did you react?”

“I was shocked. Especially at the thought of my baby growing up in a house full of sin-”

“Objection, Your Honor!”

“Sustained,” the judge says.

Wade doesn’t even bat an eyelash. “What did you tell her?”

“That I needed time to think about it.”

“And what conclusion did you reach?”

“That it wasn’t right. God doesn’t want two women to raise a baby. My baby. Every child is supposed to have a mother and a father; that’s the natural order of things, according to the Bible.” I think about those animal cutouts Liddy and I made for the Sunday School kids. “I mean, you don’t see the animals going on the ark in girl-girl pairs.”

“Objection,” Angela Moretti says. “Relevance?”

“Sustained.”

“Max,” Wade asks, “when did you find out your ex-wife had embraced a lesbian lifestyle?”

I glance at Zoe. It is hard for me to imagine her touching Vanessa. It makes me feel like this new life of hers is a sham, or else ours was, and I just can’t let myself go there. “After we split up.”

“How did it make you feel?”

As if I had swallowed tar. As if I had opened my eyes and the world was suddenly only black and white, and no matter how I rubbed my eyes I could not bring the color back. “Like there was something wrong with me,” I say tightly. “Like I wasn’t good enough for her.”

“Did your opinion of Zoe change after you learned that she is living in a homosexual lifestyle?”

“Well, I prayed for her, because it’s a sin.”

“Do you see yourself as anti-gay, Max?” Wade asks.

“No,” I reply. “Never. I’m not doing this to hurt Zoe. I loved her, and I can’t erase the nine years we were married. I wouldn’t want to. I just need to look out for my children.”

“If this court sees fit to give you back your pre-born children, what’s your intention?”

“They deserve the best parents any kid could have. But I’m smart enough to realize that means someone other than me. That’s why I would want my brother, Reid, to have them. He and Liddy-they’ve taken care of me, they’ve loved me, they’ve believed in me. I’ve changed so much, for the better, because of them. I know I’d be part of the babies’ extended family, and that they would be raised in a Christian, two-parent household. They’d go to Sunday School and to church, and they’d grow up loving God.” I glance up, just like Wade told me to, and I say what we’ve practiced. “Pastor Clive told me that God doesn’t make mistakes, that everything happens for a reason. For a long time, I believed my life was a mistake. That I was a mistake. But now I know I’m not. This was God’s plan all along-to bring me together with Reid and Liddy at the same time my pre-born children needed a home and a family.” I nod, convincing myself. “This is what I was put on this earth to do.”