Jodi Picoult - Lone Wolf

You call it murder.

A wolf might call it opportunity.

I used to wonder about prisoners who had been given a life sentence. What if one has a heart attack and is pronounced dead and resuscitated by doctors? Does that mean he’s served his time? Or is that why, sometimes, sentences are written for two or three life terms?

The reason I’m asking is because I’m currently grounded until I’m 198.

My mother, of course, had returned home from the bus stop to find me missing. I couldn’t very well let her know I was en route to the grand jury in Plymouth, so I had left her a very passionate note about how it was killing me to know my dad was alone in the hospital, so Mariah was going to drive me there for a visit, but that I promised not to overtax myself and she shouldn’t feel that she had to come down and sit with me since she hadn’t seen the twins for a week, thanks to my shoulder surgery, yadda yadda yadda. I figured compassion would trump fury, and I was right: how can you be mad at a kid who sneaks off to visit her hospitalized father?

If Danny Boyle thinks it’s weird that I ask him to drop me off at the end of my block so I can walk the rest of the way without my mother asking about the strange Beemer that dropped me off, he doesn’t say anything. My mother, actually, gives me a careful hug when I come in and apologizes for yelling at me the night before and asks, “How’s he doing?”

For a second I think she’s talking about the county attorney.

Then I remember my fake alibi. “No change,” I say.

She follows me into the kitchen, where I start to open and close cabinet doors in search of a glass. “Cara,” my mother says, “I want you to know that this is your home, forever, if you want it to be.”

I know she means well, but my home is across town-complete with a ratty couch that has indentations on it in the spots where my father and I tend to sit. My home has natural shampoos and shaving cream so that the wolves aren’t assaulted by perfume when my father is working with them. My home has a single bathroom with two toothbrushes: pink for me, blue for my dad. Here, I have to rifle through six different drawers before I find what I’m looking for. Home is the place where you know where the silverware lives, where the cups hide, where the clean plates go.

I run the water in the faucet so that I can get myself a drink. “Um,” I say, embarrassed. “Thanks.”

I try to imagine a life where I have to constantly expect a little pest hiding under my bed to scare the hell out of me, where I have a curfew, where I am given a list of chores instead of made an equal partner in the household. I try to imagine a life without my dad. He may be an unorthodox parent, but he’s still the one that fits me best. You remember the controversy when Michael Jackson dangled his kid over a railing? I bet no one asked the kid how he felt about it. Probably he was delighted, because to him the safest place in the world was his dad’s arms.

I hear a door slam, and a moment later Joe comes into the kitchen. He looks rumpled and pretty distracted, but my mother acts like it’s Colin Farrell. “You’re home early!” she says. “I hope that means you got that ridiculous charge against Edward thrown out-”

“Georgie,” he interrupts, “I think you’d better sit down.”

My mother’s features freeze. I turn my back to the sink again, dumping out my water and refilling it, wishing I wasn’t caught in the web of this conversation.

“I got a call from the county attorney,” Joe explains. “They’ve amended the charge against Edward from assault to attempted murder.”

“What?” my mother says, stunned.

“I’m not sure where the push is coming from. It could be political-he’s built a platform on being pro-life and this is an election year and could net him the vote of every conservative in the state. He may be grandstanding, and Edward’s just the fall guy.” Joe looks up at my mother. “You were in the hospital room when it all happened. Did Edward say or do anything that could have been publicly interpreted as malice?”

Yes, I think. He tried to kill my father.

“I… I can’t remember. It was very fast. One minute the hospital attorney was saying the procedure would be canceled, and the next, there was an alarm and an orderly grabbing Edward…” She faces me. “Cara, did he say anything?”

He said nothing. And that’s the whole point they’re missing. He didn’t ask me first if it was okay to kill off our father; he didn’t care at all that I objected completely. “I think I need to go lie down,” I reply, dumping my water into the sink for a second time.

My mother sits down at the kitchen table. “Where is Edward now?”

Joe hesitates. “He has to spend the weekend in jail. His arraignment’s on Monday morning.”

I guess I didn’t think about the fact that actions have consequences, that what I did might mean my brother is stuck in a cell. That he might wind up there for years. I’d wanted him somewhere out of the way, so that I could get the doctors to listen exclusively to me, but I hadn’t considered where that somewhere would actually be.

When I said I needed to lie down, I was just making up an excuse, so that I could get out of the kitchen before Joe realized I was the one to blame for my brother’s situation. But now, I think I actually may have to lie down.

Because I’m the one responsible for breaking up this family.

For making my mother cry.

For not listening to anyone else’s reason but my own.

Which means that everything I’ve accused my brother of doing in the past, I’ve just done myself.

You can be evicted from a pack.

I’ve seen both sides. There are wolves that are highly respected for their knowledge and their experience, who may fall sick or lame and will be nursed back to health by the entire pack. They will have food brought to them, they will be kept warm, the pace will be adapted to accommodate them until they are well again.

I’ve also seen wolves who know they are no longer any use to the pack get that sidelong look from the alpha. This may be because of illness; it may be because of age. And maybe on the next patrol, or the next hunt, they will choose to intentionally slip away. Lie down beneath a copse of trees. Let go.

The thirty-second television ad for my law practice shows me stern and focused in front of my desk, my arms folded. Joe Ng, a voice-over announces, the guttural stop of my last name ringing through the speakers. “The name stands for Not Guilty,” I say, and there’s the sound of a gavel being struck.

Yeah, it’s cheesy. And Ng of course doesn’t really stand for Not Guilty, but I don’t mind it when law clerks high-five me and call me that. I am the first kid in my family to go to college, much less law school. My father was a Cambodian fisherman and my mother a seamstress, and they moved to Lowell, Massachusetts, just before I was born. Me, I was the golden boy, the American dream swaddled in disposable diapers.

I have been lucky my whole life. I was born at 9:09, on 9/9, and everyone knows that nine is a lucky number in Cambodia. My mother tells a story about how, when I was a toddler, she found me holding a snake in the backyard, and never mind that it was a common garter snake, the fact that I could kill such a creature with my chubby bare hands surely meant that I was special. My father is convinced that the reason I made law review was not because I had straight A’s but because he had prayed to Ganesha to remove all obstacles from my rise to greatness.