Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

And now she had committed another folly, she had told lily Boyne. She already regretted this too. She understood why she had done it, she had done it to gain time, or rather to cheat tiniv, She had felt that, while she was deciding what to do, she might at least establish the details of some of the possibilities. Slop wanted to find out where and how one could have an absolt utely private abortion and how much it would cost. Of course abortion was legal, she could have one on the Health Service there were numerous agencies who could advise her, but thes open moves would almost certainly lead to discovery. The tale she told to Lily, not without detail, was circumstantially false (she was learning how to lie), about a friend from Oxford who had suddenly turned up for one imprudent night. Tamar was not wrong in assuming that Lily 'knew all about it'. Lily had had an abortion herself, she told Tamar, and knew how poor girl' felt. She knew just the place, she even offered to pay, for it, an offer which Tamar refused. She swore that she would never tell a soul, cross her heart. When Tamar went away saying that she would think it over, she felt that by talking about abortion with Lily she had in effect made her decision. Was this what she wanted to feel, that the die was already cast? Did she really, after all that she had said to herself', hate her child? "Today she was going back to talk to Lily-again, as if this had become a significant and fruitful way of passing the time.

Lily was reclining on her sofa which she had made up as a `day bed' with a red- and black-striped sheet and matching cushions from Liberty's. She was wearing a green light- woollen shift-dress over a white silk shirt. She had put some newly advertised oil on her hair, and her face, with little make-up, was serene. It was very warm in the flat. The curtains were pulled against the fog and all the lamps were on, although it was only three o'clock in the afternoon. Tamar had left her mother's flat soon after her arrival there, she had only come back to fetch an extra jersey and was anxious not to be detained by Gideon. She spent the interim before the time of her appointment walking round the streets, as her mother rightly guessed she did in the evenings. She ordered a sandwich ina cafe but was unable to eat it. She and the child walked and walked. She and the child went up in the lift to Lily's flat.

Tamar had drawn a chair up close to Lily and was sitting with her hands on her knees staring at the ground. She felt so foul, so guilty, so wretched, so torn apart by the decision which appeared to bemaking, so agonisingly conscious of that piece of extra being within her, she felt she might be unable to speak. She did speak however, in a dead voice, a corpse voice, asking questions and saying the things that were necessary.

Lily, looking at Tamar, could see that she was very miserable and was very sorry for her. At the same time, Lily could not help feeling a little cock-a-hoop, it was a feather in her cap, she felt an access of'power. She thought, out of all that precious collection of bloody sages, Tamar has turned to little me! Of course, in such cases a woman runs to a woman, and Lily had a warm feeling about this act of female solidarity. She also felt a little, how could she not: how are the mighty fallen! The fact that grand perfect Tamar was in such a mess made Lily feel a bit more philosophical about her own messes. She felt important too at being trusted with such a secret, and she was happy to feel trustworthy, even wise. She thought, Tamar might have gone to Rose, but Rose would have been shocked, Rose certainly wouldn't have known where to send her, and would probably have told her to keep the wretched tot! In any case she could hardly expect Rose not to tell Gerard, and that’s just where she wants to keep her image clean!

The place which Lily recommended was a private clinic in Birmingham. (Angela Parke had been there in similar circumstances.) Tamar seemed to imagine that anything happening in London would automatically be known to them.

`It doesn't hurt, you know, and it's very quick. You've born sensible and acted early. You won't feel a thing. They like to keep you to rest for a day or two. Then you'll be as free as air, I can see you're feeling awful now, you're taking it hard. This is the worst time, I can tell you. You'll feel quite different when it's all over, you'll feel such relief, you'll be dancing and singing! See it as an illness which is going to be cured, see it as a growth you've got to get rid of. Abortion is nothing, it's a method of birth control. Don't be too solemn about it. It happens to all of us – well, almost all.'

`Will I have to give my name?'

`Well, some girls give false names, but that's a risk and the doctors don't like it. You'd better give your name – have you got any other name besides that funny one?'

`Yes, Marjorie.'

`Marjorie, how quaint, that's not a bit like you! I love your name, actually. You can be Marjorie Hernshaw, that sounds quite ordinary. I wonder if you might pretend to be married, say you wanted to keep it from your husband, that would put people off the track! No, better not. Anyway there'll be no track. Don't worry! Of course I won't breathe a single word. The whole thing will disappear into the past, it'll blow away like smoke, you'll feel clean and whole and free again.'

`Didn't you feel -' said Tamar. She could not go on. She must not think about babies thrown away with the surgical refuse, dying like fishes snatched out of their water, dying like little fishes on a white slab. Angrily she rubbed the tears from her eyes, she had no right to tears here. She stared down at the green and ivory squares on the carpet as they danced to and fro. She felt faint.

`No, I didn't!' said Lily firmly. She was not going to Tamar's tears affect her, or make her recall her own episode anything other than a felicitous solution of a problem. will you, after it's done! Shall I ring up for you?'

'No!'

'They may not be able to do it at once, you know, and time does matter.'

'No. Lily, look, you very kindly said last time that you'd pay-‘

'I will, I will -‘

' I don't want that, but if it turns out to be necessary I'd be glad to borrow a little -'

Tamar, reflecting afterwards, had been dismayed at the magnitude of the sum required, which she could not see how to squeeze out of her savings. She gave most of her salary to her mother.

‘Yes, of course! I suppose he doesn't object? Not that it matters if he does, it's your affair anyway.'

'No, he doesn't object.'

'Why can't he pay?'

'He hasn't any money.'

'Says he hasn't!'

'He's gone now, anyway.'

‘Bloody men, do anything to get you, take no precautions, then when there's trouble, vanish. I bet you didn't even tell him .You must get on the pill, you know. Well, when shall we start? After all, you've made up your mind, haven't you?'

'No-not yet -'

''Tamar, darling, don't be a fool, don't be sentimental, just think. No man wants a girl with an illegitimate child, they regard it as a slur on their manhood to take on a girl with someone else's child. If you're trailing a kiddie it's hell to get married, it's even hell to have a lover. The chaps don't like the idea that some little darling will suddenly open the door! Anyway, what about your career, what about your job, what aboat your mother? Are you going to ask Violet to look after the little beast while you're at work? Or are you going to give up work and live at home on national assistance? Think what it'll be year after year! The wretched infant will be miserable, it’s a right recipe for misery for two. It'll hate its school, it'll hate the other kids, it'll be victimised,you'll be victimised. It's still like that, you know, in the, ha ha, permissive society! And if by chance you do marry and have other children, that child will be an outsider. Picture it all, for heaven's sake! And don't imagine it's a good idea to put it off and have the child and see how you feel then, or think it's easy to have it adopted! When it's there, the dear little bundle, it'll all be a hundred times more agonising, besides the fact that pregnancy can be ghastly. Do you want to be carrying it around signing forms with tears streaming down your face? Then you'd have the worst of both worlds, because everyone would know! Now no one need know! For God's sake have the guts to have it done now. Do I make myself clear?'