Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

Her joy was less as, on reflection, she saw at once that the purpose of the expedition must be exactly what it turned out fit be, and that she was being used at last, as she had long wanted to be, only now it did not feel so consoling, as a tool lying to hand. She even wondered whether Crimond imagined dim Lily was actually bringing a message from Jean. She could not help however entertaining the wildest hopes of what might happen on that magic evening. She did not see him in dic interim; she travelled to Oxford by bus as Crimond, not offering to convey her, had simply said he would meet her the College Lodge. They went in together and moved toward the nearest tent where Crimond stood with Lily beside him, and started looking about. It was at that moment that Gulliver Ashe saw him. As it happened, Crimond was at once recog niscd by a group of left-wing graduate students, one of whom knew him personally, and was surrounded. Lily sat down by herself for a while and was at that time sighted by Tamar. A. another dance began, the group round Crimond dissolved and Crimond himself disappeared. When Lily saw him again sonic time later he was dancing with Jean.

During the days and weeks after the dance Lily remained in a state of shock. She soon learnt, from Rose whom she made point of seeing, that Jean had again left her husband and was with Crimond. Thinking endlessly about this, she began to realise that she had lost him. Some creatures have a mode of defence which when used brings about their death. Lily had achieved her supreme moment of being actually of use, indeed of crucial use, to Crimond, but had thereby ended their relationship. It was impossible, entirely impossible, for her to go near him now. No more typing, no postcards, no visits, no little chats, nothing. As soon as she realised that this was so, all Lily's old silly love for him came flooding back, tinted now with all those vain illusions and the bitter memory of how happy and proud she had felt walking with Crimond across the grass toward the dancing. She thought she would die of the ingrin, the shame and the loss. Then, as she heard Rose and lirr people saying that it wouldn't last, Crimond was impossible, Jean was bound to leave him, Lily began to console herself' with new pictures of being, one day, his old and dear friend, the one who, when all others proved faithless, had not left him. Of course she never revealed to anyone that she had told Crimond about the dance; and she could even feel a weird rill to think that she had brought it all about. She almost felt sometimes, as she waited and waited and made no sign, as if he had a kind of secret power over him.

'There's no need for you to say anything special to Jean,' said Gerard to Tamar. 'just go to see her. You yourself are the message.'

Gerard had invited Tamar and Violet for a drink assuming slim Violet, who was annoyed if not asked, would as usual not come. However both had turned up. Patricia had then dropped in and had, felicitously for Gerard, taken Violet away to show her the new decorations initiated by Gideon in the upstairs flat. Gerard had Tamar briefly to himself.

They were in the drawing room of Gerard's house in Notting Hill. The room, as someone said, looked like Gerard, sombre and serious, but quietly stylish and smart, in greens and browns and hints of dark blue and wisps of dark red, nothing too much. It was a big room with a door to the garden. he green sofa had blue cushions, the blue easy chairs had green cushions. Upon the dark brown carpet beside the wide t ,rplace, where a modest fire was burning, was a brown and red geometrical rug. The walls, papered a light speckled brown, bore English watercolours. There were a few tables with shaded lamps and a few significant things on the mantelpiece. Gerard, who disliked being looked in at by hypothetical entities in the garden, had pulled the dark brown velvet curtains as soon as it was dark.

They stood together by the fire. Tamar, fingering it lilt sherry, was dressed as usual in her 'uniform', a skirt and blouse and jacket. She chose colours which were like het o colouring of tree-trunk brown and green and greenish grey. Her skirt and buttoned shoes were a subdued brown, her stockings were grey, her jacket was dark green, not unlike the colour of Gerard's jacket. Her blouse was white, worn with a light green scarf. Her mouse-brown tree-brown hair was neatly combed. Her large green-brown eyes looked up with trustful doubt at Gerard. He was not exactly a father how Tamar kept the place of her unknown father piously empty She often thought of him but never spoke of him. It was odd to think that he did not know she existed. Gerard, not clwodias an uncle either, was a long-beloved figure of amino Because of her mother's antipathy to 'them' (which of colt included Pat and Gideon) Tamar had, especially of late, kept the tiniest bit aloof from Gerard. She hoped he understood.

'You think it would be all right to see her? It wouldn't look as if I were sort of prying – like a messenger from the enemy-?’

'No. Look at it naturally. You've always been very fond of Jean and she of you, you've seen a lot of each other. If you don’t go she may feel you condemn her.'

'I wouldn't like her to feel that.'

'Exactly.'

'But she'll know I'm seeing Duncan too. I mean, I won'l so unless she asks, and she ,won't ask. She won't mention Duncan. But she'll know.'

'That's natural too. She won't expect you to have dropped Duncan! 'They've always been like parents to you.' 'Don't say that, I have parents.'

'Sorry, I know what you mean, I hope you know what I mean. Jean won't think you come as a spy, and she certainly won't think that Duncan sent you.'

'But you're sending me.'

‘Well, in a way-but of course I haven't discussed this with Duncan. I just want to encourage you to do what I think you to do only you feel too shy. Tamar, I'm not asking you to thing at all except be with those two occasionally, be with them separately, without any other end in view.'

‘ How absolute the child is, thought Gerard. 'I'm not hiding anything,' he said. 'You know I want Jean and Duncan to be together again, we all want that, and the sooner it happens the damage will have been done. Anything that hastens that process is good. You will be good for both of them, in any case.'

‘I’m not sure,' said Tamar, 'I might just irritate them by wabsolutely out of their mess.'

‘She’s being too clever about it, thought Gerard. 'Have you see Duncan lately?'

‘No. I saw him about a month ago, he asked me to tea, he told me to come again, just to ring up.'

‘But you haven't been.'

‘I don’t think he meant it. It was just politeness like asking me to tea was. I think I'm not right. I'm a picture he doesn't want to look at.'

‘He’d feel you were patronising him? The young can patronise their elders!'

‘No, how could he think that! It's just that if you intrude on someone's grief, you're like a spectator, perhaps one has no right,’

‘If we all thought that no one would console anyone. It's better to err on the other side. We fail much oftener by not lo help than by rushing in. Of course I've said nothing to him-‘

‘You’re all good at saying nothing to each other but being mood all the same!'

‘Oh stop fussing, Tamar, just go, see Duncan, just show your face. He can get rid of you if he wants to, he's known you nee you were born. Go to both of them.'

‘All right. But -'

‘But what?'

‘I’m afraid of Crimond.'

Gerard thought, we mustn't get going on that, if we discuss it she'll work up a phobia. He said, 'Crimond's got his head in a cloud of theories, he won't even notice you. Anyway he’ll be working, you can see Jean alone.'

Tamar smiled faintly and made a little gesture of nit mission, peculiar to her and which Gerard had observed sin her childhood, raising and opening a hand palm upward,