Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

Jean began to cross the long stretch of the floor towards him. Ahe felt as if she would fall before she reached him. She picked up a chair which was standing nearby and dragged it to the drsk and sat down facing Crimond. Then she uttered a little Im-d-like cry.

'What's the matter?' said Crimond.

Jean did not look at Crimond, was indeed incapable of linking at anything in particular, since the room, the dull pale window, the lamp, the door, the bed with an old wrinkled rug Reside it, the target, the white paper on which Crimond had Keen writing, Crimond's face, Crimond's hand, Crimond's stlasses, a tumbler of water, the kilt which had somehow made its way downstairs, were all composed into a sort of vividly illuminated wheel which was slowly turning in front of her.

Crimond said nothing more, he waited, watching her while dir gasped, shook her head to and fro and opened and closed her eyes.

'What do you mean, "What's the matter"?' said Jean .Then after a few more deep breaths, 'Have you had any sleep?'

'Yes. Have you?'

,No.'

'Then hadn't you better? There's a divan in the back room upstairs. It's not made up, I'm afraid.'

'So you weren't expecting me.'

`Pure carelessness.'

` Were you expecting me?'

'Of course.'

`What would you have done if I hadn't come?' `Nothing.'

There was a pause. Crimond regarded her shrewdly, a little wearily. Jean looked down at Crimond's feet, in brown slippers, under the desk.

'So you possess a kilt.'

'I hired it. One can hire kilts.'

'I see you still have your target.'

`It's a symbol.'

‘And the guns. You'll say they are symbols too.'

‘Yes.'

`Did you plan this long before?'

'No.'

`How did you get a ticket for the dance, they were all sold out.'

`I asked Levquist.'

`Levquist? I thought you quarrelled with him years ago?' 'I wrote and asked him. He sent the ticket by return with sarcastic note in Latin.'

`What would you have done if he hadn't sent it? `

‘Nothing.'

`You mean, oh never mind what you mean. How did you know I'd be at the dance?'

`Lily Boyne told me.'

'Did you think that was a message from me?'

‘No.'

`It wasn't.'

`I know that.'

`What about Lily Boyne?'

`What about her?'

`You came with her.'

‘It is customary to arrive with a woman.'

`Was it to save face in case I ignored you?'

‘No’

‘You knew I would not ignore you?'

‘Yes’

‘Oh, Crimond, why – why – why now?'

‘Well, it's worked, hasn't it?'

‘But look, about Lily -'

‘Let’s stick to essentials,' said Crimond. 'Lily Boyne is hing, she tried to make my acquaintance and I noticed her because she knew you. I like her.'

‘Why?'

‘Because she is nothing. She values herself at nil.'

'You find her despair amusing?'

‘No'

‘All right, forget her, I see why you used her. What were you writing when I arrived?'

‘ A book I have been working ,on for some time.'

‘You mean the book?'

‘A book, the book if you like.'

‘It is nearly finished?'

'No.'

'What will you do when it is finished?'

'Learn Arabic.'

'Can I help you with the book, do research like I used to?’

‘That stage has passed. Anyway you should do work of your own.’

'So you used to tell me. Are you glad to see me?'

'Yes.'

'Let's stop messing about in this conversation. I've left Duncan. I'm here. I'm yours, I'm yours for good if you want me. After last night I assume you do.'

Crimond looked at her thoughtfully. His thin lips were iliawn into a straight line. His longish very fine pale red hair had been carefully combed. His light eyes which so often gleamed and glittered with thought or sarcasm, were cold and pilled, hard as two opaque blue stones. 'You left me.'

'I don't know what happened,' said Jean.

'Neither do I.'

'It shouldn't have happened.'

`But it showed something.'

`That doesn't matter now. It can't matter. If it mattered yoo wouldn't have come to the dance.'

'Oh that. It was on impulse.'

'Oh that! Crimond, understand, I have left a husband whom I esteem and love, and friends who will never forgive me, in order to give myself to you entirely and forever. I hereby give myself. I love you. You are the only being whom I can love absolutely with my complete self, with all my flesh and mind and heart. You are my mate, my perfect partner, and I am yours. You must feel this now, as I do, as we did last night and trembled because we did. It was a marvel that we ever met. It is some kind of divine luck that we are together now. We must never never part again. We are, here, in this, necessary beings, like gods. As we look at each other we verify, we know, the perfection of our love, we recognise each other. Here is my life, here if need be is my death. It's life and death, as if they were to destroy Israel – if I forget thee, O Jerusalem -'

Crimond, who had been frowning during this declaration, said, shifting in his chair and picked up his spectacles, 'I don't care for these Jewish oaths – and we are not gods. We'll just have to see what happens.'

'All right, if it doesn't work we can always kill each other, as you said then! Crimond, you've produced a miracle, we're together – aren't you pleased? Say you love me.'

'I love you, Jean Kowitz. But we must also recall that we have managed without each other for many years – a long time during which neither of us made any signal.'

'Yes. I don't know why that was. Perhaps it was a punishment for our failure to stay together. We had to go through an ordeal, a sort of purgatory, to believe we could deserve each other again. Now the appointed time has come. We are ready. I have left Duncan -'

'Yes, yes – I'm sorry about Duncan. You also mention your friends who will never forgive you, or me.'

'They hate you. They'd like to thrash you. They'd like to humiliate you. They felt like that before – and now… '

‘You sound pleased.'

'It doesn't matter about them, compared with us they don't exist. Can we go and live in France? I'd like that.'

'No. My work is here. If you come to me you must do what I want.’

'I'll always do that,' said Jean. ‘I thought about you every day. If at any time you'd made the least gesture – but I imagined -'

'E 'nough of that. Never mind what you imagined, here you are. Now I must get on with my work. I suggest you go upstairs and lie down. Have you eaten, would you like anything to eat?'

'No. I feel I shall never eat again.'

'I'll fetch you later. Then we can both sleep down here where there's room for two. Then we'll discuss what we'll do.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'How we'll live together. How what must be will be.’

‘ Yes. It must be. All right. I'll go and rest. This is real. Isn't it?

'Yes. Go now.'

'I want you.'

'Go now, my little hawk.'

Jean rose promptly and went upstairs. She thought, we haven't touched each other. That's as it should be. That's his way. We haven't touched each other yet, but all that we are has sprung together into one substance. It's like some great atomic charge, we are each other. Oh thank God. She went into the back room and pulled the curtains and kicked her shoes off then crawled onto the divan drawing the blankets up over her head. In an instant she was asleep, tumbling slowly over and over through a deep darkening air of pure joy.

‘I think there's some beer somewhere,' said Jenkin.