Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

Lily said, 'What else are you doing?'

`Learning Arabic.'

‘Why Arabic?'

‘Why not.'

`So that's what that is. I thought it was shorthand.' Some handwriting at the edge of the desk had caught her eye. She moved her chair forward.

Crimond, who had given her his attention for a moment, was now looking down at the loose-leaf book in which he had been writing when she came in. The Arabic was in an open exercise book. Lily peered at it. 'Did you write this?'

`Yes.'

`Is it difficult?'

`Yes.'

There was a moment's silence. Crimond then said, 'As we have nothing more to discuss, and I am very busy, perhaps you could go away.'

Lily suddenly blushed. She could feel the blush running up her long neck and through tier cheeks to her brow. She felt that she must now say something striking or be banished forever. It was like the moment in the fairy tale when one must answer the riddle or die. Unfortunately Lily could not th ink of anything striking. She said lamely, 'I very much want to help you.'

`I need no help, thank you.'

'I could help you in your political work -'

`No.'

`I could type, I could run errands, I could fetch books, I could do anything.'

`No.'

`I know you're a lion and I'm a mouse, but a mouse could help a lion. There's a story of a lion who's kind to a mouse, and the mouse says I'll help you one day, and the lion laughs and then the lion is caught in a trap and the mouse gnaws through all the ropes and sets him free.'

This little speech at last showed some sign of amusing Crimond and attracting his attention. He said, but unsmiling', `I don't like mice.'

‘Then I'll be anything you like,' said Lily. 'That's what I came to tell you. I love you. I've always loved you. I know I'm a little worthless person, but I want to be in your life. For all I know you have hundreds of Lilies, little people who want to serve you, all right, but I'm me, and I exist for you and I know that I do. I told you about that dance last year. Whatever happened you know I meant well. I feel I'm a sort of'messenger in your life. After all I've known you a long time. I'd do anything you wanted, I'd be your slave, I want to give myself to you as a total present, I don't care what might happen, all I want is to know that you accept me as someone you could rely on for ever and use in any way you pleased. I feel this as a vocation, as if I'd been told by God, you are an absolute for me, I can't do anything but give myself. If you can only accept me I'll be silent, I'll be invisible, I'll be as quiet as a mouse -sorry, you don't like mice – but I just want to be there, like something in the corner of the room, waiting for anything that you want me for -'

Crimond, who had been listening to this with a slight frown, holding his spectacles against his lips, said, 'I don't,like this stuff about little people and your being a little worthless person. You area person, not a little person. I don't like that terminology.'

Crimond seemed to be making a general point, and nothing to do with her personally, but she said eagerly, 'I'm glad you don't think I'm worthless – I'd study, you could teach me -'

`Oh Lily, just get back to reality, will you.'

`You are my reality.'

`You know you're talking idle nonsense, just something that you want to get off your chest even if it makes no sense. Now you've said it perhaps you'll kindly go away.'

`I can't go away,' said Lily. She had been talking fast and eagerl y, but calmly. Now her voice sounded in her cars with that dreadful hysterical edge to it. 'I won't go away. I'm sure you have some special feeling about me. You must be kind to me. Can't you even be kind when I love you so much? How can there be so much love and it simply go to waste? I must have something from you, like a pact, a kind of status, anything, even a very very small thing, which is between us for always.'

Crimond, his gaze straying from her as if wearily, gave a sigh. 'Lily, I can't attach any sense to what you ask. You speak as if I could easily give you something very valuable -'

`Yes, yes, easily, you could, you could!'

`But I haven't got this thing, this special feeling, I don't want you as a slave -'

`Then I wouldn't be -'

`Or an invisible object in the corner of the room, or a mouse, I don't like things like that, I couldn't have such a person near me, and I can't give you any sort of "status" as you put it, I just don't have any special feeling for you or any special role for you – I'm sorry.'

Lily, controlling tears, got hold of her coat which had been lying on the floor and pulled it up onto her knees. 'All right. I understand. I'm sorry. I had to see you and I had to say what I've said.'

`Now do get back into real life. What are you doing now in the real world?'

`I'm getting married. To Gulliver Ashe. Tomorrow.'

Crimond did then actually smile, in fact he laughed. 'Oh Lily, Lily – so you were ready to run even from under the wedding crown?'

`Yes.'

`Or would I have had to put up with a married slave?'

`No, no – if you'd wanted me none of that would have happened, none of that would have existed.'

`Oh you silly – silly – girl.'

Lily smiled through tears then dashed the tears away and stood up and put on her coat. She said, 'I can see you though, sometimes in the future, call in, you won't say never?'

`Not never, but I've got nothing for you.'

`Then I'll come for nothing.' `For Christ's sake, Lily,' said Crimond, `just clear off and be happy, can't you, and make someone else happy, and forget all this dream stuff. Go on, go away, get out and be happy!'

`Rose and Gerard have invited us to dinner, for after when they came back from Venice,' said Lily.

`At their new house?' said Gulliver.

`No, silly, they've only just bought it, at Rose's place.' Rose and Gerard had bought a house in Hammersmith near the river.

`I thought Gerard would never stick it out in Jenkin's foxhole,' said Gull, 'it's definitely not his scene.'

`What about our scene?' said Lily. 'I think we should buy a house soon, a nice small one in Putney or somewhere, with a garden. The children will like that.'

`The children?!'

`Now you've got a job and I've got a project we can afford it. I believe I've still got some of that old money left too, God knows what happened to most of it.'

`Let's not be in a hurry,' said Gulliver. `I like it here. And we aren't even married yet!'

`We will be this time tomorrow!' It was evening, late evening, of the day of Lily's visit to Crimond, and Gull and Lily were still sitting at the table after a lengthy celebration dinner including numerous toasts in vodka, wine and later cherry brandy, wishing themselves happiness and success in the future. They were both drunk but feeling exceptionally alert, clear-headed, argumentative and witty.

`We will be,' said Gulliver, 'unless one of us funks'it – or both of us!'

`Running away from under the wedding crown.'

`That's a phrase out of Dostoevsky,' said Gull, 'I thought you hadn't read him.'

`Oh. I thought it was just a general expression. I heard it somewhere.'

`Well, I won't run away!' said Gulliver. 'Look, here's the ring!' He showed Lily the golden ring nestling in its little furry velvet box. He also, in an instant, pictured the dreadful goings-on in that Dostoevsky novel. What a business it was to deal with women. One just had to take the risk.

`You've told Leonard what to do?' Leonard Fairfax was to be best man, and Angela Parke, Lily's old art school friend, was to be bridesmaid.

`At a registry office, there's nothing to it!' said Gull. `I'll give Leonard the ring so he can give it me back at the crucial moment. I bet most people don't bother even with that. Anyway, you've done it before!'