Iris Murdoch - The Book And The Brotherhood

Gerard said, 'Oh – damn -' Then, 'What's the matter?' `Oh nothing. I've got toothache.'

`I'm sorry. Will you see the dentist?'

`Yes. Look, don't let me keep you.' She checked her rearm and began to walk faster.

`So you're off again to Yorkshire tomorrow.'

`No, I'm not.'

`I thought Neville said so.'

`No. I'm having lunch with them. They've bought a flat in Hampstead.'

`How nice. So they're Londoners now.'

`Do go back, everyone's longing to see you. I can walk from here. I'll get a taxi in a moment anyway.'

`Where are you going?'

`Home. Look, there's a taxi. I'll say goodbye.' `Oh, all right.' Gerard flagged down the taxi and opened the door.

Rose got in. 'Nice to see you. I'll give you a ring sometime.'

`What the hell's the matter with you?' said Gerard. 'Are you ill?'

Rose began to cry again. Gerard got into the taxi and slammed the door and gave the taximan Rose's address. He patted her shoulder but did not put his arm round it. They rode in silence. When they reached Rose's flat and Gerard had paid the driver they mounted the stairs in silence.

They dropped their coats, Rose pulled the curtains and put on the electric fire. She said, 'Would you like a drink?'

`Yes.'

`Sherry?'

`Yes.'

`Anything to eat?'

`No thanks.'

She poured out two glasses.

`What is the matter, Rose?'

`Nothing's the matter! Perhaps I should ask you what the matter is! You disappear for weeks. When I ring you say you can't see me, then you don't answer the 'phone, or else you're away God knows where and it hasn't occurred to you to let me know. Well, why should you let me know. I've got no special rights, I'm not part of your family -'

`And I'm not part of your family, if it comes to that. You've evidently decided to live in the north and be a mother to those bright young things! Well, why not. Blood is thicker than water.'

`That's what Reeve says.'

`You make it clear that you've got a home elsewhere!'

`Well, it doesn't affect you. I've never had a home here.'

`That's not true. It depends on what you call a home.'

`Yes, indeed! I never thought I'd see you being jealous and vindictive -'

`I never thought I'd see you behaving like a silly petty female! I'm not jealous. Why the hell should I be?'

`Why indeed. I realise that you have quite another life into which I don't enter and when it suits you you vanish. How’s Derek Wallace?'

`Who?'

'Derek Wallace. That boy who brought that – that proof copy – from Oxford.'

'Rose, are you crazy – or bloody-minded – or what?'

'What do you expect me to do when you disappear-or am I supposed not to think about you? If you want me not to think about you you're certainly going the right way about it.'

'Rose, do you really imagine -'

'Of course it's not your fault, it's my fault. You've alwayq taken me for granted, that I'll always be there to be kind and useful. I shouldn't have hung around. Plenty of people advised me not to.'

'Well, why did you hang around?' said Gerard. 'I dlihi'i demand it. Of course I took you for granted. I don't see what you're complaining about or why you're suddenly so angry with me.'

'And why do you say "damn" and "what the hell's the matter?" and turn up late at a party where you might have known I'd be there wanting to see you! Oh I'm a fool, a fool'

'You said something about Gull and Lily getting married.'

'You're changing the subject.'

'It needs changing.'

'Yes, Gulliver's back from Newcastle – and he's got ajoh -and they're going to be married. And Gideon and Pat have adopted Tamar.'

'Have they?'

'Well, they're in charge, they've fixed everything, she's to go back to Oxford, there's to be a Tamargesellschaft, we'll Al contribute to help her through -'

'Good. But who says so?'

'Gideon, he arranges things now. Tamar's got a flat ofliri own, Violet's living at Notting Hill, Tamar's happy, Violct'm happy, all the things you might have done, only you hadn't time and didn't try -'

'I doubt if Violet's happy – but you're quite right that we didn't try enough -'

'Who's "we"?'

'Rose, just, please, be careful what you say.'

`It's come to that, has it, I have to "be careful what I say"! What about whatyou say? You accuse me of -'

'What have I accused you of except of being fond of your family?'

'I have no family. You are my family. That means I have no family. I've given you my life and you haven't even noticed.'

'You are talking nonsense which is designed simply to hurt tne. Of course you have family. It looks to me as if Reeve is 'simply taking you over, he's leading you away like a little docile domestic animal.'

'You mean he's exploiting me, he want's a housekeeper?' 'Well, why shouldn't he? He counts on the conventions of family affection.'

'Why "conventions"? Those people need me and want me, which you have never done.'

'Rose, don't shout at me, you know I can't stand tantrums.'

'I'm not shouting. All right, I'm talking nonsense. It's all much simpler than that. I've always been in love with you and you can't be in love with me, which isn't your fault. But for some reason it's all suddenly become unbearable.'

'What am I supposed to do? Do you want me to go away, now?'

'You mean for ever?'

'Don't be silly. You seem to be finding me unbearable, you are certainly angry with me, I can't think why. It's not a good moment, you are overwrought, perhaps about something else, and I'm being no use here – it might be a sensible idea if I cleared off.'

'You mean someone is waiting for you, you are looking at your watch.'

'Rose, are you drunk?'

'All right, go then.'

There was a silence. Rose had unbuttoned the top of the brown corduroy dress she was wearing and pulled at the white collar of the blouse underneath it and clawed at her throat with one hand. She wondered, am I drunk? Why are these awful things happening? She had been walking to and she spoke between the rosewood table on which she had Imp the untouched drinks and the desk where she suddenly not ico I a letter to Gerard which she had started two days ago and not finished. She picked it up and crumpled it violently in lira hand. She thought, is this the enq of such a long road, shall I scream, shall I faint? He has forgotten that we were curl lovers. Well, it was a long long time ago and it didn't mean Mot even then. Now I am waiting for him to go, I shall not stole him, and if he goes everything will be different, we shall irrevocably become strangers to each other. Perhaps we arr already strangers and I am only now beginning to notice it, She tossed the crumpled letter on the floor.

Gerard watched her. He was standing by the fireplace. He was upset and amazed by her sudden desire to wound him. For a moment he considered going away. But something else happened, which was that he suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. He had plenty to be tired of and tired about, everything lately had been too much. He said, 'Oh God, I feel so tired!', and went to the table and picked up one of the glasses of sherry. Am he did so he accidentally spilt some of the golden liquid on the table. Although the poor old table was already so stained Rose instinctively brought out of the pocket of her dress her handkerchief, still damp with tears, and mopped up the little pool, Gerard immediately put his hand down upon her hand and they stood quiet thus for a moment, not looking at each other, When the moment passed and he withdrew his hand and she lifted her head towards him he said, 'We mustn't quarrel, darling, we mustn't quarrel.'

Rose, who had been so tearless and fierce, now felt the tears about to come again, and with them a vast sensation of relief' which was marked by a renewed consciousness of her toothache, of which she had been oblivious. She felt so intensely glad, so thankful, so grateful that Gerard had not gone, that lie had touched her and called her'darling', and that she did not have to go on with her mechanical assault upon him which had hurt both of them so much. She said, as the tears rose, 'I must get another handkerchief, this one's soaked in sherry. Here, take mine.'