Iris Murdoch: Bruno’s Dream

”This is a nightmare,” said Danby. “What’s the point of all this? Oh Lisa, Lisa, you are thoughtless and cruel, or else you don’t realize what kind of state I’m in. If only I hadn’t seen you again, talked to you again. It would have stopped hurting so much sooner. And now you come here and talk about Miles, about Miles of all people. You must be insane to hurt somebody like this.”

”I am sorry,” she said. “But you will see that it has been necessary.”

”What’s necessary about it? If you want to see how much power you’ve got well you’re seeing it. If you want to see a man reduced to-“

”Stop it, please, and listen-“

”I’d managed to find some sort of peace with Bruno here. Well, not peace, but it’s been real. I was starting to realize that you were-just something impossible. And now you’ve spoilt it all. You just can’t know what you’ve done, coming here, coming into my room-“

”Naturally, you were beginning to recover-“

”I wasn’t beginning to recover! I’ll never recover! Oh damn you, damn you, damn you!”

”Don’t shout so. Will you listen to what I’ve got to tell you? I need your help.”

”I’m to help you get hold of Miles I suppose! Oh Christ, Lisa, you don’t mean that-You can’t mean-“ Danby sat upright, glaring at her, his face puckered up with pain.

”What are you supposing?”

”When I first saw you, Lisa, I was, oh God, I was holding Diana in my arms. What hope have I ever had of convincing you that I love you, that it’s serious, different, terrible? You think I’m just a man who chases women. You think I’m really-just as interested in Diana. You want me to occupy Diana, to take her away, so that you and Miles-You absolute fiend!” Danby stood up. He raised his hands, half desperate, half threatening.

”Sit down and stop shouting at me.”

”That’s devil’s work. You’re driving me straight into madness. Do you want me to kill you?”

”You’re being very stupid. Don’t dare to touch me!”

”Touch you-I’d like to strangle you!” Danby moaned and turned about and leaned against the chest of drawers, covering his face. “Oh Lisa, Lisa, Lisa-“

”I want you to listen and I want you to think . If you’d been using your mind you wouldn’t have said what you said just now. I don’t want you to take Diana away from Miles. You couldn’t do it anyway.”

Danby moaned again.

”Miles and I knew at once that there was no future for us together. What sort of people do you think we are?”

”People in love,” he said. “Romantic love is not an absolute.”

”People who are in love think so.”

”It’s an overprized condition. Besides one recovers. Even you began to recover!”

”I didn’t. Nor did you. You say you’ve loved Miles for years.”

”Absence cures.”

”Anyhow, you and Miles will find a way. You’re both so damn clever.”

”Listen. There was and is nothing that we could do with our love. Miles could not leave Diana. He is married to Diana, Diana has given her whole life to Miles. And after I had told my love and tasted his I could not remain in the house-“

”There are other houses in London.”

”Not for Miles and me. We couldn’t live like that.”

”You could try. Did you go to bed together?” Danby was still standing with his back to her, staring down at his hair brush.

”No, of course not.”

”I don’t see why of course. You’re not saints.”

”No. We are cool self-interested people. We did not want to set a course into ruin and madness.”

”Well, I’m still waiting to see what aspect of your cool self-interest has brought you to me with this practically unbearable story!”

”As I told you, we decided that we must part and I decided that it would be easier for both of us if I went right away and I fixed up a job for myself in India, in Calcutta, with the Save the Children Fund.”

”Then why aren’t you in Calcutta,” said Danby, “why are you in Stadium Street, in my bedroom, sitting on my bed with your shoes off?”

There was silence. He looked up at last. She was looking at him with a peculiar hard intensity. After a pause she went on, “I decided not to go to India. It was a difficult decision and a very crucial one.”

”So you’re going back to Miles after all, and you thought you’d drop in on me on the way and tell me all about it!”

”No, I’m not going back to Miles.”

”Then what are you going to do?”

”That,” said Lisa, “depends partly on you.”

Danby sat down very slowly in the chair by the window.

He stared at her fiercely, sternly. “Lisa, just what are you talking about?”

She looked at him now almost with hostility. “I want to make it all crystal clear,” she said. “And it’s not easy to make clear.”

”I’ll say it isn’t!”

”I don’t want you to be in any way cheated.”

”I look like being killed not cheated.”

”I had to make it plain about Miles-“

”You’ve made it plain! What do you want, Lisa, do you want to use me to make Miles jealous?”

”It’s odd,” she said, “I think it was seeing you talking to me that day in the cemetery that made Miles suddenly realize he loved me-when he saw that someone else might.”

”You can spare me the touching reminiscences. So that is what you want?”

”No. I have no plans which concern Miles.”

”It’s impossible,” said Danby. “You love him. He loves you. As you’ve explained ten times. It’s impossible. You must in tend to go back to him.”

”No.”

”Well, then what do you want me to do?”

For the first time since her arrival Lisa showed some confusion. She sighed, dropped her gaze, and began to push her hair back, fingering the damp rings on her neck into dry dark brown tendrils. “I decided not to go to India-“

”Go on.”

”I spent all those years-in that house-loving Miles and knowing where he slept-every night-“. “Cut that bit.”

”I could have gone on, you see, indefinitely, and I thought I would go on indefinitely. Only then that suddenly happened, his loving me like that and my telling him-“

”Lisa, don’t take me round again, I can’t stand it.”

”When I thought I’d go away I imagined I was the same person, the person of before. It was the person of before who decided to go to India-“

”Go on, go on.”

”Well, I found I wasn’t that person anymore.”

”What on earth are you talking about?”

”I’d also like you to know,” she said, looking directly at him again, “that I do absolutely believe that you love me, and that it is, as you put it, serious, different, terrible.”

Danby stared at her. He felt as if he was going to faint and slide forward off the chair. He said hoarsely, “Christ. You want me to console you.”

Lisa was looking at him with great intentness. “There is something, yes, which might be put like that. As I said it is extremely difficult to be precise. That-experience-with Miles altered me. Maybe for the worse, time will show. found I couldn’t just go away-and be alone. I didn’t want to go away-anymore.”

”Oh Lisa,” said Danby. He put his hand to his eyes. “It’s no good,” he said. “I should die of it.”

”Possibly. Possibly not.”

Danby leaned forward, glaring at her. “You listen to me now. You are simply deluding yourself. You said you couldn’t go away and be alone. All right, but what’s the point of coming to me when you don’t love me and you do love somebody else? Don’t you realize there’s only one cure for your loneliness and this isn’t it? You don’t love me. You certainly don’t know me. Perhaps just at this moment you are grateful to me for being in love with you. I might cheer you up, amuse you, for a short while, days, weeks maybe. Then you’d go back to Miles. And I should kill myself. Or Miles. Or you.”