Jenny Downham - You Against Me

She felt Barry tense beside her. He leaned forward and stared down at the grass, as if something amazing had appeared there.

‘Freddie and James went home, but Karyn was too drunk to move, so we left her on the bed and Tom went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.’

She wanted Barry to react. She stared at him, willing him to understand that Karyn couldn’t possibly have consented to what happened next. But instead, he turned to her, a tight smile on his face.

‘This is obviously quite an awkward situation for me,’ he said, ‘so I’m going to stop you there.’ He stood up, hands in pockets, a shadow between her and the house. ‘I don’t want to be getting information from you that could compromise your brother’s position.’

‘So I can’t talk to you?’

‘Why, was there something else?’

Her hands on her lap were startling, not quite her own, lying there so passive while her head was whirling.

‘There’s a lot more.’

‘Ellie, you told the police you saw and heard nothing all night.’

‘I didn’t want to get my brother into trouble.’

He sighed deeply. ‘Then I suggest you seek legal advice.’

‘You mean get my own lawyer?’

‘I think that would be a good idea.’

‘But you asked me to talk to you. You came out here and asked me questions.’

‘I’m your brother’s solicitor and I can’t get into any situation where it looks as if I may have advised you.’

‘So, you’re not going to do anything?’

‘I’m going to talk to your brother. Then I’m going to advise the barrister we don’t call you as a witness.’

Hot waves of fear broke in her chest. ‘You mean you don’t want me going to court in case I blurt all this out and Tom goes to jail?’

‘I mean I’m your brother’s solicitor and I have to look after his best interests. There’s no way we’ll call you to the stand under these circumstances.’

She nodded dumbly.

‘I’m going inside now, Ellie.’

She wanted to stop him, to force him to listen to the rest of it. But she didn’t move. What was the point? Instead, she watched him stride back across the grass, go through the French doors and wipe his feet on the mat.

Let’s just forget it, Mikey had said. No more texts, no more anything.

Help me, Mikey, she wanted to say. I’m afraid. More afraid than you’d ever believe.

And he’d take her hand and they’d fly across the rooftops and up into space and sit on some planet and watch a double sunrise or maybe a star being born or some other event that no human had ever seen, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. And she’d tell him everything.

Her mother appeared on the step. She had her gardening shoes on and the same umbrella she’d loaned to Barry. She picked her way across the grass as if the sky was about to fall on her head.

‘What did you say to him?’ she said when she got close enough. ‘He wants to talk to Tom alone in the study and even Dad’s not allowed in.’ Her eyes clutched at Ellie’s. ‘Did you tell him what you told me?’

‘It’ll be all right,’ Ellie whispered.

‘That’s not what I asked.’

‘I’m sorry, Mum, I can’t do this any more.’

Her mum called, ‘Where are you going?’ as Ellie sprinted away. ‘Come back here right now!’

Round the side of the house, through the gate and out onto the lane, kicking her way through puddles, her feet spattering mud, her legs pounding distance between her family and the world beyond them. She hadn’t run for weeks. She hadn’t moved for years, it felt. She would run for ever. Her limbs were strong and healthy. She felt like an animal. She ran and ran, past trees dripping with rain, past other people’s houses and gardens, along the muddy lane towards the town.

Mikey banged out of the door and down the stairs. Never mind the lift, stairs were quicker, racing down five flights, his heart pounding. Just before the bottom, he stopped, because there she was outside, her face pointing up to the rain. He slammed through the doors and marched up to her.

‘What are you doing?’

Her dress was wet, her jeans were wet, even her eyelashes were dripping with rain. ‘I had to see you.’

‘You can’t just text and demand I come down or you’re coming up. Who do you think you are?’

‘I’m sorry. I wouldn’t really have come up. I don’t even know which flat’s yours.’ She scanned the block of flats above them, shielding her eyes against the rain. ‘Which one is it?’

He shook his head. ‘You have to go.’

Her eyes travelled the length of the balconies, door after door. ‘Does Karyn know I’m here?’

‘Are you crazy?’

Ellie looked sad then, and confused. ‘Please don’t send me away. You’re the one who came running after me in the beginning, remember?’

That was true, and he felt a bit rubbish then. To make up for it, he pointed out the flat. He wanted her to know he didn’t hate her. It wasn’t about that.

‘Blue door,’ he said, ‘with the Christmas tree outside.’

It was a dead stump of a tree, no needles, but still decorated, still covered in tinsel. It was nearly May and they’d only managed to drag it as far as the balcony. He felt foolish, like he was pointing out their chaos.

‘My little sister likes it,’ he said. ‘She thinks it’ll grow back. I’ll swap it for a new one in December and hope she doesn’t notice.’

Ellie looked at him, a strange, deep look. ‘That’s kind.’

He hadn’t thought of it as being kind. It’s just what you did if you wanted Holly to be happy – you pretended there was magic in the world.

‘Listen,’ he said. ‘You have to go. Serious, I’ve got work in half an hour and Jacko’s picking me up. My life won’t be worth living if he sees you here.’

He led her round the corner, by the lift, where it was sheltered from the rain. She grabbed her hair with one hand and twisted it, wringing it out. He peeled off his jacket and offered it to her.

‘Here,’ he said. ‘Take this, or you’ll get pneumonia on the way home.’

She put it on without a word and did up the zip. She shoved her hands deep into the pockets. He hoped there weren’t any scaggy tissues in there, or packets of condoms, girls’ phone numbers…

‘You’re the nicest person I ever met,’ she said.

She must know some total shits if she was impressed by a coat.

‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘I’m going now.’

She put a hand on his arm. ‘I have to tell you something.’

‘I don’t want to know.’

‘Please,’ she begged. ‘You’re the only person I can tell.’

She looked like she was tempting a bird to feed from her hand, seeing how close she could get to him. It was weird being chased.

‘Two minutes,’ he said.

They sat on the wall together, the lift doors in front of them. It stank of piss, but this was the best they had for now.

‘So,’ he said, ‘did you get in another argument with someone?’

‘Not really.’

‘Was it your brother?’

She shook her head, looked down at her shoes.

‘To be honest, if it is about your brother, I don’t even care. Anything could be true and it wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe Karyn’s lying.’

‘She’s not.’ She turned to him slowly. Fear dipped in and out of her eyes. ‘I wanted to believe Tom was innocent. For weeks I wanted it. But I think he did it and I’m not going to be his witness.’

‘So?’

She frowned at him, puzzled. ‘That’s massive! I’m supposed to stand up in court and say I didn’t see or hear anything. I’m supposed to say my brother is lovely and couldn’t possibly have hurt your sister. And now I’m not going to.’