Jenny Downham: You Against Me

He went to the kitchen and dragged the tool box out from under the sink. Just holding the spanner made him feel better – there was something about how heavy it was, how definite it felt to hold it in his hand. The feelings went into the object. He felt positively cheerful as he put on his jacket, rammed the spanner into his pocket and did up his zip.

Karyn looked at him, her eyes shining. ‘You’re seriously going to get him?’

‘Yep.’

‘And you’re seriously going to hurt him?’

‘I said so, didn’t I?’

And that’s when Mum staggered in, fag in hand, shielding her eyes like everything was too bright.

Holly was jumping up and down behind her. ‘Look!’ she cried. ‘Mum’s awake. She’s actually downstairs.’

‘Reporting for duty,’ Mum said.

It was like watching someone come up from a dive. She had to remember who she was, that she really did live here, that today was the bail hearing and this family really did need to get their act together.

Holly cleared a place for her on the sofa, then sat on her lap and rubbed noses with her. ‘Do I have to go to school? Can I spend the day with you instead?’

‘Course you can.’

‘No!’ Mikey said. ‘Karyn’s cop’s coming round, remember?’

Mum frowned. ‘Is she, why?’

‘Because that’s what she does.’

‘I don’t want her to come any more,’ Karyn said. ‘She asks stupid questions.’

‘Well, she’s coming anyway,’ Mikey snapped, ‘so Holly can’t be here, can she? You want a cop to notice she’s not in school?’

Light dawned on his mother’s face. She looked around the lounge and over to the kitchen. Both rooms were a mess – the table covered in junk, unwashed plates and saucepans in the sink.

‘You’ve got about an hour,’ Mikey told her.

She glared at him. ‘You think I don’t know that?’

Holly put the TV back on at top volume and music crashed around them.

‘Turn it off,’ Mikey yelled. It would send their mum back to bed. But Holly ignored him so he unplugged it.

Mum rubbed her face over and over. ‘Make me a coffee, Mikey.’

Make it yourself, he thought. But still, he switched the kettle back on and rinsed out a mug.

‘After this smoke I’ll wash up,’ Mum said. She took another puff on her cigarette, then looked right at him in that way she sometimes did, as if she could see right inside him. ‘You look tired.’

‘Looking after you lot, that’s why.’

‘Where were you last night?’

‘Out and about.’

‘Were you with that new girlfriend? Sarah, is it?’

‘Sienna.’

‘That was the last one.’

‘No, that was Shannon.’

Holly laughed long and loud. ‘You’re so bad, Mikey!’

In his pocket the spanner hummed. He handed Mum her coffee. ‘I have to go now.’

‘Go where?’

‘I’ve got business.’

She scowled at him. ‘I don’t want you looking for trouble.’

She was a bit clever like that. You thought she was hung-over and wouldn’t notice stuff, but she often did.

‘I mean it,’ she said. ‘Keep your nose out. We don’t need any more hassle.’

But all he said was, ‘I’m going.’

‘What about Holly? She can’t walk to school on her own.’

‘Then you’ll have to take her. That’s what parents are for, isn’t it?’

She shook her head at him. ‘You know what’s wrong with you, Mikey?’

‘No, Mum, but I bet you’re about to tell me.’

She took up her fag, knocked off the ash and took a last deep drag, blowing the smoke right at him. ‘You’re not as tough as you think you are.’

Down the stairs, two at a time. Past graffiti walls – AIMEE IS A SLAPPER, LAUREN SUCKS FOR FREE, CALL TOBY IF YOU WANT HOT SEX – and out the main doors into the street. Mikey swung a left, avoiding the takeaway wrappers and beer cans strewn round the bus shelter, dodging two old blokes with their shopping trolleys taking up all the room on the pavement, and started to run. Away from the estate, past the crowd of kids outside Ajay’s with their breakfasts of crisps and Coke, past the butcher’s and the card shop, towards the high street.

The sky was flat and grey. The air smelled of diesel and fish. He ran through the market. The stalls were going up, the crazy colours of the fruit and vegetables all chucked together. The usual group of lads hung about on the benches. He ran past a girl with a pram, a woman counting her change outside Lidl, an old man with a walking stick, an old woman clutching his arm, both tiny and hunched.

He was going to keep running until he got there. He was going to mash Tom Parker. Tom Parker would never grow old.

At the traffic lights, a bloke leaned out of his car window and whistled at a girl. ‘Smile for me, baby.’

The girl gave the bloke the finger, then saw Mikey and waved. ‘Hiya, Mikey.’

He jogged on the spot as she crossed the road towards him. ‘Hey, Sienna. I can’t talk now.’

She pressed herself close, gave him a quick kiss. ‘You’re all sweaty.’

‘I was running.’

‘Away from me?’

He shrugged as if that was too complicated to understand. ‘I need to go.’

She crossed her arms and frowned at him. ‘Will I see you later?’

It was like the world got bigger or louder or something, pressing in on him and asking for stuff. He looked right at her, tried to feel what he’d felt only a minute earlier when he saw her waving, some sort of warmth.

‘Meet me at work,’ he said. ‘I don’t mind.’

‘You don’t mind? Well, thanks very much!’ She wrapped her arms around herself, didn’t even look back at him as she walked away.

He wasn’t good for her. He wasn’t actually sure he’d ever be good for anyone. He couldn’t be bothered most of the time. Girls asked too many questions, and they always expected you to know how they were feeling, and he was always getting it wrong.

He’d lost minutes now, lost momentum. He started running again. Away from the high street, following the curve of Lower Road. Groups of kids walked slowly in the same direction – a gathering, a building up. Karyn should be with them. He ran in the road to avoid them, past the teachers’ car park, past the gates.

He stalled when he saw some of Karyn’s mates on the bridge, four of them huddled together looking down at the water. One of them spotted him and nudged the others and they all turned round.

He was supposed to stop, he knew that. He was supposed to go over and tell them how Karyn was, to pass on her thanks for the notes and little presents they kept sending. But he knew what would happen if he did – they’d ask questions. Like, When will she see us? And, Why won’t she answer our texts? Like, When’s the trial? And, Do you think she’ll ever come back to school? And he’d have to tell them that he didn’t know, that nothing had changed since the last time they’d asked.

He snapped on a smile and waved. ‘Can’t stop.’

Dodging cars, faster now, over the junction, past the station and up the Norwich Road. One foot in front of the other like a warrior. He thought of Karyn as he ran. He was the only brother she had and it was his job to take care of her. He’d never felt that before, the terrible responsibility of it. He felt adult, male, purposeful. He could do this, he really could. It’d be easy. He checked his pocket for the spanner. It was still there. It felt right and good.

His legs burned now. He could taste salt on his tongue, like the sea got caught in the air on this side of town. It was fresher here, wilder. There was more space for things. Here was Wratton Drive, Acacia Walk and Wilbur Place. Even the names were different, the trees taller.