Уильям Голдман - The Princess Bride

From battle, the Prince replied, "Cannot it wait?"

"For how long?" asked the Count.

C

R

A

C

K

The orangutan fell like a rag doll. "Now, what is all this," the Prince replied, stepping past the dead beast, mounting the ladder out of the pit.

"Your father has had his annual physical," the Count said. "I have the report."

"And?"

"Your father is dying."

"Drat!" said the Prince. "That means I shall have to get married."

FOUR OF them met in the great council room of the castle. Prince Humperdinck, his confidant, Count Rugen, his father, aging King Lotharon, and Queen Bella, his evil stepmother.

Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop. And colored like a raspberry. She was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom, and had been married to the King long before he began mumbling. Prince Humperdinck was but a child then, and since the only stepmothers he knew were the evil ones from stories, he always called Bella that or "E. S." for short.

"All right," the Prince began when they were all assembled. "Who do I marry? Let's pick a bride and get it done."

Aging King Lotharon said, "I've been thinking it's really getting to be about time for Humperdinck to pick a bride." He didn't actually so much say that as mumble it: "I've beee mumbbble mumbbble Humpmummmble engamumble."

Queen Bella was the only one who bothered ferreting out his meanings anymore. "You couldn't be righter, dear," she said, and she patted his royal robes.

"What did he say?"

"He said whoever we decided on would be getting a thunderously handsome prince for a lifetime companion."

"Tell him he's looking quite well himself," the Prince returned.

"We've only just changed miracle men," the Queen said. "That accounts for the improvement."

"You mean you fired Miracle Max?" Prince Humperdinck said. "I thought he was the only one left."

"No, we found another one up in the mountains and he's quite extraordinary. Old, of course, but then, who wants a young miracle man?"

"Tell him I've changed miracle men," King Lotharon said. It came out: "Tell mumble mirumble mumble."

"What did he say?" the Prince wondered.

"He said a man of your importance couldn't marry just any princess."

"True, true," Prince Humperdinck said. He sighed. Deeply. "I suppose that means Noreena."

"That would certainly be a perfect match politically," Count Rugen allowed. Princess Noreena was from Guilder, the country that lay just across Florin Channel. (In Guilder, they put it differently; for them, Florin was the country on the other side of the Channel of Guilder.) In any case, the two countries had stayed alive over the centuries mainly by warring on each other. There had been the Olive War, the Tuna Fish Discrepancy, which almost bankrupted both nations, the Roman Rift, which did send them both into insolvency, only to be followed by the Discord of the Emeralds, in which they both got rich again, chiefly by banding together for a brief period and robbing everybody within sailing distance.

"I wonder if she hunts, though," said Humperdinck. "I don't care so much about personality, just so they're good with a knife."

"I saw her several years ago," Queen Bella said. "She seemed lovely, though hardly muscular. I would describe her more as a knitter than a doer. But again, lovely."

"Skin?" asked the Prince.

"Marbleish," answered the Queen.

"Lips?"

"Number or color?" asked the Queen.

"Color, E. S."

"Roseish. Cheeks the same. Eyes largeish, one blue, one green."

"Hmmm," said Humperdinck. "And form?"

"Hourglassish. Always clothed divineishly. And, of course, famous throughout Guilder for the largest hat collection in the world."

"Well, let's bring her over here for some state occasions and have a look at her," said the Prince.

"Isn't there a princess in Guilder that would be about the right age?" said the King. It came out "Mumcess Guilble, abumble mumble?"

"Are you never wrong?" said Queen Bella, and she smiled into the weakening eyes of her ruler.

"What did he say?" wondered the Prince.

"That I should leave this very day with an invitation," replied the Queen.

So began the great visit of the Princess Noreena.

Me again. Of all the cuts in this version, I feel most justified in making this one. Just as the chapters on whaling in Moby-Dick can be omitted by all but the most punishment-loving readers, so the packing scenes that Morgenstern details here are really best left alone. That's what happens for the next fifty-six and a half pages of THE PRINCESS BRIDE: packing. (I include unpacking scenes in the same category.)

What happens is just this: Queen Bella packs most of her wardrobe (11 pages) and travels to Guilder (2 pages). In Guilder she unpacks (5 pages), then tenders the invitation to Princess Noreena (1 page). Princess Noreena accepts (1 page). Then Princess Noreena packs all her clothes and hats (23 pages) and, together, the Princess and the Queen travel back to Florin for the annual celebration of the founding of Florin City (1 page). They reach King Lotharon's castle, where Princess Noreena is shown her quarters (1/2 page) and unpacks all the same clothes and hats we've just seen her pack one and a half pages before (12 pages).

It's a baffling passage. I spoke to Professor Bongiorno, of Columbia University, the head of their Florinese Department, and he said this was the most deliciously satiric chapter in the entire book, Morgenstern's point, apparently, being simply to show that although Florin considered itself vastly more civilized than Guilder, Guilder was, in fact, the far more sophisticated country, as indicated by the superiority in number and quality of the ladies' clothes. I'm not about to argue with a full professor, but if you ever have a really unbreakable case of insomnia, do yourself a favor and start reading Chapter Three of the uncut version.

Anyway, things pick up a bit once the Prince and Princess meet and spend the day. Noreena did have, as advertised, marbleish skin, roseish lips and cheeks, largeish eyes, one blue, one green, hourglassish form, and easily the most extraordinary collection of hats ever assembled. Wide brimmed and narrow, some tall, some not, some fancy, some colorful, some plaid, some plain. She doted on changing hats at every opportunity. When she met the Prince, she was wearing one hat, when he asked her for a stroll, she excused herself, shortly to return wearing another, equally flattering. Things went on like this throughout the day, but it seems to me to be a bit too much court etiquette for modern readers, so it's not till the evening meal that I return to the original text.

DINNER WAS HELD in the Great Hall of Lotharon's castle. Ordinarily, they would all have supped in the dining room, but, for an event of this importance, that place was simply too small. So tables were placed end to end along the center of the Great Hall, an enormous dr7afty spot that was given to being chilly even in the summertime. There were many doors and giant entranceways, and the wind gusts sometimes reached gale force.

This night was more typical than less; the winds whistled constantly and the candles constantly needed relighting, and some of the more daringly dressed ladies shivered. But Prince Humperdinck didn't seem to mind, and in Florin, if he didn't, you didn't either.

At 8:23 there seemed every chance of a lasting alliance starting between Florin and Guilder.

At 8:24 the two nations were very close to war.

What happened was simply this: at 8:23 and five seconds, the main course of the evening was ready for serving. The main course was essence of brandied pig, and you need a lot of it to serve five hundred people. So in order to hasten the serving, a giant double door that led from the kitchen to the Great Hall was opened. The giant double door was on the north end of the room. The door remained open throughout what followed.