Douglas Kennedy - The Pursuit of Happiness

'What are you doing?'

'According to my calendar, I'm getting drunk. Alone'.

'Why are you avoiding me?'

'I vant to be alone, dahling'.

'Just meet me for a fast cup of coffee'.

'Ve'11 talk tomorrow, dahling. And please, don't call back - because the phone will be off the hook'.

He hung up. Naturally I tried to phone right back. The line was busy. So I threw on my coat and dashed down the three blocks of Broadway which separated my apartment from the Ansonia Hotel. When I reached its seedy reception desk, the clerk told me that my brother had just left the building. So I hopped a cab north, and paid seventy-five cents for a ticket to the Loew's Eighty-Fourth Street. I scoured the orchestra, I scoured the loge, I scoured the balcony. No sign of my brother. Sudden Fear was playing as I conducted my search. When I realized that Eric was nowhere to be found, I slumped into a seat. On-screen Joan Crawford was having words with Jack Palance:

'Remember what Nietzsche said - live dangerously'.

'You know what happened to Nietzsche?'

'What?'

'He died'.

I left the movie house. I returned home. I called the Ansonia. There was no answer in Eric's room. Jack came home from work. He sat vigil with me all evening. Every half-hour I phoned the Ansonia. Still no answer from my brother. Around nine, Jack went out and did a search of local bars, while I sat by the phone. Jack was back within an hour, having turned up no sign of Eric. At midnight, Jack called it quits and went to bed. I continued to sit by the phone in the living room. Eventually I nodded off. When I came to again, it was six thirty. Jack was dressed and handing me a cup of coffee.

'You must feel great', he said.

'Try diabolical'.

I took a fast sip of the coffee, then dialed the Ansonia. 'Sorry', the switchboard operator said after a dozen rings. 'No answer at that extension'.

I hung up. 'Maybe I should call the police', I said.

'You last spoke to him yesterday afternoon, right?'

I nodded.

'Well, the cops aren't going to do anything about a guy who's been missing for less than twenty-four hours. Give it until this afternoon. If you haven't heard from him by then, we'll get worried. Okay?'

I let him pull me up and enfold me in a big hug. 'Try to get some proper sleep', he said. 'And call me at the office if you need me'.

'Are you sure about that?'

'Tell them you're a Miss Olson from Standard Life in Hartford - and my nosy secretary won't think a thing about it'.

'Who's Miss Olson?'

'Someone I just made up. Try not to worry about Eric, eh? I'm sure he's fine'.

'You've been amazing through all this'.

He shook his head. 'I wish I could do more'.

I fell into bed. When I stirred again, it was just after twelve noon. I grabbed the bedside phone and called the Ansonia. This time I got lucky. Eric - sounding sleepy as hell - answered.

'Oh thank God', I said.

'What the hell are you so thankful for?'

'Your safe return. Where have you been?'

'My usual all-night haunts - ending up at the New Liberty picture house on Forty-Second Street. Me and the local tramp fraternity - sleeping it off in the balcony'.

'You know, I did go searching for you at the Loew's Eighty-Fourth Street yesterday afternoon'.

'Figured you would do that - which is why I decided to catch a double bill at New Liberty'.

'Why are you avoiding me? You've never shut me out, Eric'.

'Well, there's a first time for everything. Listen, I'm going back to sleep now. And the phone is going off the hook. Don't call us. We'll call you... as everyone in New York now tells me'.

Naturally I did try to call him back. But the line was constantly busy. I fought the urge to march down to the Ansonia and confront him. Instead I used the Miss Olson alias and called Jack. He gave me sound advice: back right off. Give him a few days on his own.

'He has to come to terms with this stuff by himself', Jack said.

'But he's in no fit condition to be left alone'.

'He hasn't gone mental yet, has he?'

'No - he's just drinking all the time, and staying out all night'.

'He's grieving. What's happened to him is like a death. You've got to let it run its course. Right now, nothing you say to him will make sense. Because he can't see sense'.

So I didn't call him for three days. I waited until five in the afternoon on Friday. He sounded reasonably awake and sober.

'I've got a new job', he said.

'Really?' I said, suddenly excited.

'Absolutely. In fact, it's more than a job - it's a newfound vocation'.

'Tell me'.

'I am now a professional drifter'.

'Eric...'

'Hear me out. It's such fantastic work; the most productive way imaginable of squandering time. What I do all day is wander. Drifting from movie house to movie house. Grabbing a twenty-five-cent lunch at the Automat. Loitering in the Metropolitan and Natural History Museums, walking, walking, walking. Do you know that yesterday, I actually strolled right up from West Seventy-Fourth Street to Washington Heights? It only took me around three hours. Part of me wanted to keep on hiking north to the Cloisters, but as it was three in the morning...'

'You walked up to Washington Heights in the middle of the night? Are you nuts?'

'No - just fulfilling my role as a drifter'.

'Have you been drinking much?'

'Certainly not while I'm asleep. But I do have some additional news on the work front'.

'Really?' I said.

'Yes - splendid news. I decided to bypass the agent route and instead opened my telephone book and offered my services to five different comedians I know. Guess what? All of them turned me down. These aren't even top-echelon comics. These are the sort of mid-grade guys who play the mid-grade clubs in the Poconos and the Catskills and West Palm Beach. So my stock has sunk so low that even the second-raters don't want to know me'.

'As I've told you again and again, this initial period is going to be rough. Once you get the HUAC hearing out of the way...'

'And I serve my year behind bars...'

'All right, say it comes to that. Say you do go to jail. It will be terrible, but you'll get through it. When the blacklist ends, not only will you be respected for refusing to name names, but...'

'When the blacklist ends? Will you listen to yourself. The chances of the blacklist ending are currently up there with me becoming Secretary of State. Even if the whole damn thing ends up discredited, the mud will stick. I'll always be regarded as the never-married one-time Communist. No one will ever want to hire me again'.

He refused to be talked out of this bleak perspective. Just as he also refused to let me see him. Once again, I charged down to the Ansonia. Once again, he was gone by the time I got there. It was another twenty-four hours before I made telephone contact with him again. This time, I didn't ask for a lengthy explanation about his whereabouts over the last night and day. I tried to sound practical.

'How are you doing for money at the moment?' I asked.

'Rolling in it. Lighting Cuban cigars with five-dollar bills'.

'Delighted to hear it. I'll be leaving fifty dollars for you in an envelope in reception'.

'No thanks'.

'Eric, I know what your financial position is'.

'Ronnie gave me some cash before he left'.

'How much?'

'Plenty'.

'I don't believe you'.

'That's your problem, S'.

'Why won't you let me help you?'

'Because you've paid a high enough price for my idiocy. Got to go now'.

'Am I going to see you for dinner this weekend?'

'No', he said - and put down the phone.

I placed fifty dollars in an envelope and handed it in to the Ansonia's reception. The next morning, I found it on my front doormat - the name Eric crossed out and Sara penciled over in my brother's distinctive scrawl. That day, I must have left a dozen messages for him. No reply. In despair, I managed to track Ronnie down to a hotel in Cleveland. He was shocked when I told him of Eric's increasingly erratic behavior.