Douglas Kennedy - The Pursuit of Happiness

She was right about my contempt for her family. However, she was so wrong about my feelings towards my pregnancy. I despised the circumstances in which I had landed myself. The absurdity of my marriage, the abhorrent nature of Mrs Grey... The one thing - the only thing - that was maintaining my sanity was the child I was carrying. I didn't know who or what this child would be. All I knew was that I felt a deep, absolute, unconditional love for him or her. I didn't totally understand this love. If asked, I probably wouldn't have been able to explain it in a rational, straightforward way. Because it wasn't rational or straightforward. It was just all-encompassing. The child was my future, my raison d'etre.

But now, Mrs Grey had blanketed that future with a dark specter.

If you want to leave this marriage, that is fine by me, and it's also fine by Mr Grey. Just leave us the child...

A scenario began to unspool inside my head. The baby is born. I am allowed to hold him for a few minutes. A nurse comes and says that she's bringing him back to the nursery. As soon as he is out of my hands, a bailiff arrives bearing a writ. Mrs Grey has made good on her threat.

Believe me, a divorce court would have you declared an unfit mother before you had a chance to exhale.

A shudder ran through me. I felt as if I had touched a live wire. I clutched myself.

'Feeling cold, dear?' Mrs Grey said. 'Or are you just playacting for my benefit?'

I shut my eyes again.

'All right - be that way. A doctor should be here shortly. But I'm certain he should confirm what I already know: there is nothing physically wrong with you. Still, if you persist in continuing in this absent state, I'm certain there are several good sanitoriums in Fairfield County, where you'd be looked after until the baby arrives... and maybe even afterwards, if your mental state remained unchanged. I'm told that getting someone committed isn't that difficult. Especially if, like you, they are showing all the usual signs of mental distress...'

There was a knock on the door.

'Ah, that must be the doctor'.

The doctor was a solemn, taciturn man in his fifties. He introduced himself to me as Dr Rutan and explained that he was dealing with Dr Eisenberg's house calls this evening. He had all of Eisenberg's warmth and charm. When I didn't answer his first few questions - because I still felt incapable of speech - he didn't express concern or worry. He simply got down to business. He took my pulse, my blood pressure. He listened to my heart. He placed the stethoscope on my expanded abdomen, and listened there too. He did some prodding and poking with his hands. He opened my mouth and - using a tongue depressor and a penlight - he gazed inside. Then he pulled out a small penlight, and shined it in my eyes. Turning towards my husband and mother-in-law, he said, 'Everything is working fine. So either she is having a minor breakdown, or what could best be described as a very big sulk. It's not uncommon during pregnancy. If the woman is of the delicate sort, the whole experience can overwhelm them, throwing everything out of proportion. And so, like little children, they retreat into themselves. And sulk'.

'How long might this go on?' George asked.

'I don't know. Try to keep her fed and quiet. She should pull out of it in a day or two'.

'And if she doesn't?' Mrs Grey asked.

'Then', the doctor said, 'we will consider other medical options'.

I shut my eyes again. Only this time the desired effect happened. I fell into nothingness.

When I opened my eyes again, I knew immediately that something was very wrong. It was the middle of the night. I could hear George snoring softly in the adjoining bed. The room was black. And hot. So hot that I felt sodden. Sodden to the skin. I also felt in urgent need of a toilet. But when I tried to sit up, I felt lightheaded, vertiginous, woozy. Eventually I managed to put my feet on the floor. Standing up took some effort. I tried to take a step and had to steady myself. My little episode earlier in the evening - my absent state, as Mrs Grey called it - must have been more serious than I realized. Because I felt truly weak.

I staggered across the darkened room, feeling my way to the bathroom door with outstretched hands. Reaching it, I stepped inside and flipped the switch. The room convulsed into light.

And I screamed.

Because there - in the bathroom mirror - was a reflection of myself. My face was the color of chalk. My eyes were yellow. And the bottom half of my white nightgown was red. Crimson red. Drenched in blood.

Then I felt as if I was falling into nothingness again. Only this time the plunge was accompanied by a nasty thud. Then the world went dark.

When I snapped back to consciousness, I was in a white room. With harsh white light. And an elderly man in a stiff white jacket beaming a penlight into my eyes. My left arm was strapped to the bed. I noticed a tube protruding from the arm, then a bottle of plasma hanging beside the bed.

'Welcome back', he said.

'Oh... right', I said, utterly incoherent.

'Do you know where you are?'

'Uh... what?'

He spoke loudly, as if I was deaf. 'Do you know where you are?'

'Uh... well... no'.

'You are at Greenwich Hospital'.

This took a moment to sink in.

'Okay'.

'Do you know who I am?' the man asked.

'Should I?'

'We have met before. I am Dr Eisenberg - your obstetrician. Do you know why you're here, Sara?'

'Where am I?'

'As I said before: you are at Greenwich Hospital. Your husband found you on the floor of your bathroom, covered in blood'.

'I remember...'

'You're a very lucky young woman. You went into a dead faint. Had you fallen the wrong way, you could have broken your neck. As it turned out, you just have some minor bruising'.

Clarity was beginning to return. I suddenly felt scared.

'Am I all right?' I asked quietly.

He looked at me carefully.

'As I said, you only suffered some superficial bruising. And you lost quite a bit of blood...'

Now I was scared. And very conscious. 'Doctor, am I all right?'

Eisenberg met my stare. 'You lost the baby'.

I closed my eyes. I felt as if I was falling again.

'I'm sorry', he said.

I had my right hand to my mouth. I bit hard on a knuckle. I didn't want to cry in front of this man.

'I'll come back later', he said and headed towards the door.

Suddenly I asked, 'Was it a boy or a girl?'

He turned around. 'The foetus was only partially formed'.

'Answer me: was it a boy or a girl?'

'A boy'.

I blinked. I bit down on my knuckle again.

'I have some other difficult news', he said. 'Because the foetus was only partially formed, we had to operate to remove it from your womb. During surgery, we discovered that part of the wall of your womb had been badly damaged by the abnormal pregnancy. So damaged, in fact, that it is highly unlikely you'll ever be able to conceive, let alone carry another pregnancy to full term. Understand: this is not a finite diagnosis. But from my clinical experience, the chances of you now being able to have a baby are, I'm afraid, improbable'.

There was a very long silence. He stared down at his shoes. 'Do you have any questions?' he finally asked.

I put the palms of my hands against my eyes, and pressed hard, wanting to black out the world. After a moment, Eisenberg said, 'I'm sure you'd like to be on your own for a while'.

I heard the door shut. I kept my palms pressed against my eyes. Because I couldn't face opening them. I couldn't face anything right now. I was in a nose dive.

The door opened again. I heard George softly say my name. I removed my hands. He came into focus. He was very pale, and looked like he hadn't slept for days. Standing next to him was his mother. I suddenly heard myself say: 'I don't want her here'.