Douglas Kennedy - The Pursuit of Happiness

Now, sprawled across my bed, I heard the voice of my brother echoing in my head: 'Forget him', he told me repeatedly during that year when I so openly pined for Jack. 'He's a bum'.

Just as I also remembered that disastrous meeting I organized in the bar of the St Moritz - when Eric showed up drunk and became so insulting that Jack threw his drink in his face.

They always hated each other... even though they both denied it. When that Fed turned to Jack and asked him for the name of a Communist, did he perhaps think: now I can finally nail that bastard?

But such speculation was now pointless. Because one simple fact stared me in the face: I would never again have anything to do with Jack Malone.

The phone began to ring. I ignored it. An hour later, flowers arrived. I refused to accept them - telling the delivery man to throw them in the nearest trash can. Later that afternoon, a telegram arrived. I tore it up without opening it. At six that night, the doorbell began to ring. It kept ringing for fifteen minutes. When it finally stopped, I waited another fifteen minutes before opening my front door and peering out into the lobby. There was a letter waiting by the main door. I went out and retrieved it. I recognized the handwriting on the envelope. I went back into my apartment and tossed the letter into the trash. Then I put on my coat. I picked up my typewriter and the suitcase I had packed earlier that afternoon. I locked my apartment door behind me, and struggled with the bags to the front door.

As soon as I stepped out into the street, Jack was there - huddled in my doorway, looking ashen, manic, and sodden from the rain.

'Go away', I shouted.

He eyed the luggage with alarm. 'What are you doing?'

'Leaving'.

'For where?'

'None of your business', I said, heading down the steps.

'Please don't go...'

I said nothing. I turned right towards West End Avenue. He followed behind.

'You can't leave. You are everything to me'.

I kept walking.

'I will be lost if you go'.

I kept walking. He suddenly dashed in front of me and fell to his knees.

'You are the love of my life'.

I looked down at him. Not with anger or pity. Rather, with total dispassion.

'No', I said quietly. ' You are the love of your life'.

He reached for the hem of my raincoat. 'Sara, darling...' he said, tears rolling down his cheeks.

'Please get out of my way, Jack'.

He grabbed the hem and held on. 'No', he said. 'Not until you hear me out'.

'I'm going, Jack'.

I tried to move. He held on tightly.

'Jack - it's over'.

'Don't say that'.

'It's over'.

'You have to hear me out'.

'It is over. Now let go...'

I was interrupted by a voice.

'You got a problem here, lady?'

I turned around. A cop approached us.

'Ask him', I said, nodding toward Jack, still on his knees. The cop looked down at him with disdained amusement.

'So what's the problem, fella?' the cop asked him.

Jack let go of my hem. 'No problem', he said. 'I was just...'

'Beggin' forgiveness is what it looks like to me', the cop said.

Jack stared down at the pavement. The cop turned to me. 'Was he botherin' you?'

'I just wanted to get into a cab. He thought otherwise'.

'You gonna let her get into a cab, fella?'

Jack hesitated for a moment, then nodded slowly.

'Good call. Now what I want you to do is stand up and sit on the stoop there while I help your lady friend into a taxi. You gonna do that like a smart guy?'

Jack got to his feet, walked over to a nearby stoop, and sat down - looking totally defeated. The cop picked up my bags and walked me to the corner of 77th Street and West End Avenue. He put out his hand. A cab stopped within seconds. The driver came out and put my bags in the trunk.

'Thank you', I said to the cop.

'No problem. That guy didn't do anything stupid to you, did he?'

'Nothing criminal, if that's what you mean'.

'Okay then. Have a good trip - wherever you're going. I'll keep an eye on lover boy for a couple of minutes, so he doesn't go chasing after you'.

I got into the cab. I said 'Penn Station' to the driver. We pulled out into the traffic. I looked back and saw Jack still sitting on the stoop, crying uncontrollably.

At Penn Station, I collected a ticket I had reserved that afternoon, and had a porter bring my bags to the sleeping compartment I had booked on the night train to Boston. I'd paid a supplement to ensure that I had a single compartment. I needed to be alone tonight. After I settled in, a steward knocked on my door. I told him I wouldn't be eating, but a double whiskey and soda would be most welcome. I changed into a nightgown and a robe. I lowered the bed. The steward returned with my whiskey. I drank it slowly. Once or twice the glass began to shake in my hand. I finished the whiskey. I climbed in between the stiff sheets. I turned off the light. The train shunted out of the station. I fell asleep.

I awoke again to a knock on the door. The steward entered, bearing toast and coffee. We were half-an-hour outside Boston. First light was bleaching the night sky. I sat up in bed, sipping the coffee, watching the emergence of a New England dawn. I had slept deeply, without dreams. My stomach felt taut with sadness. But no tears stung my eyes. My decision had been made; my heart hardened. It was morning. I was on the move. And the steward's coffee was actually drinkable.

At South Station in Boston, I switched trains. By noon that day, I had arrived in Brunswick, Maine. As arranged, Ruth Reynolds was at the station to collect me. It had been over five years since I'd fled to Maine in the spring of 1946 after everything went wrong in the wake of Jack's disappearance. Yesterday afternoon, when I felt myself hitting bottom again, I decided that the only thing to do was to leave town; to disappear without trace for a while. Had I stayed in Manhattan, Jack would have constantly bombarded me with phone calls, flowers, telegrams, and late-night appearances on my doorstep. More tellingly, I needed to go somewhere away from everything to do with the blacklist, NBC, Saturday Night/Sunday Morning, Walter Winchell, and all the painful resonances which I now associated with Manhattan. So that's when I reached for my address book and found the phone number of Ruth Reynolds in Bath, Maine. She remembered me immediately ('Hell, I am one of the biggest fans of your column. Why aren't you writing it anymore?'). And yes, she had a couple of summer cottages for rent right now. There would be no problem accommodating me as of tomorrow, if need be.

So I reserved a seat on the first train out of town, packed a suitcase, and fled... leaving Jack crying on a doorstep. Now, here I was, back in Maine. Being enveloped in one of Ruth Reynolds' bear hugs.

'Well, don't you look great', she lied.

'You too', I said, even though I blanched when I first saw her on the station platform - and noted that she had put on at least thirty pounds in the intervening years.

'No need to fib, honey', she said. 'I'm fat'.

'No, you're not'.

'You're a nice girl, Sara - but a terrible liar'.

We drove north out of Brunswick towards Bath. 'So... how's it feel being a journalistic star?' she asked me.

'I'm hardly a star. Anyway, I'm on leave of absence from Saturday/Sunday!

'Is that why you decided to come back to Maine?'

'Yeah', I lied. 'There's some stuff I want to get down on paper'.

'Well, you picked the perfect place for peace and quiet. I'm afraid I couldn't get you your old cottage, because Mr and Mrs Daniels sold their place years ago. You still in touch with them?'

I shook my head.

'Anyway, I found you something very cute. And it's got an extra bedroom if you want a guest... or if your brother pays you a visit'.