Alan Goodwin - Gravity's Chain

August 1st

Got drunk with Caroline and Polly last night. It was real fun. We all let go and got on! (Wonders will never cease.) Caroline has agreed to the bridesmaid thing—I knew she would, although she is prone to changing her mind so we’re bound to have a few tantrums before Polly gets down the aisle with us all behind in our finery. We talked about Jack, which was a first, it’s certainly the first time Caroline has been interested in him, mind you, when was the last time she was interested in me full stop? Anyway, it’s nice to see her thinking about someone other than herself for a change. She was really intrigued to know what it was like to go out with a genius. It was funny to hear someone talk about Jack like that. None of his friends think of him that way, I mean, sure he’s a freak, but he never wants to be treated differently. I love him for that, even with all those gifts he just wants to be a normal guy, just one of the gang. Caroline said it wouldn’t always be that way. She reckons that one day he will claim what’s his, he’ll realise he’s special and will want everyone to acknowledge that. She kept saying how I should never, ever forget just how gifted he must be. She said although I wasn’t stupid, he was on another planet. I know what she’s thinking—I’m not smart enough for him. I know she didn’t say it, but she didn’t have to…‘You’re not stupid Mary, but…’ It’s crap I know, but it did make me think. But Jack just isn’t like that. I mean, it’s not as though he asks me questions and makes a note if I get the answer wrong. He just wants a good time like the rest of us. He likes a drink, some dak, blobbing out and the movies. When I told Caroline that she just looked at me with that way of hers and said it sounded as though I was trying to convince myself rather than her. I kept my calm and changed the subject, but she kept coming back to him. It was strange. She seemed a bit obsessed. She definitely doesn’t think I’m good enough for him and that he’ll get bored with me. Little does she know! We’ll show her.

August 29th

Love the colour Polly has chosen for the bridesmaid dresses, it’s dull chartreuse green. The dress design is very simple—it will look great I think. Jack rang today. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this with you. He sounded tired. Said he had been grappling with some of the stranger consequences of the field equations in general relativity. He kept laughing when he was telling me and seemed surprised when I didn’t share the joke. Then he apologised and said it was silly of him to think I’d understand what he was talking about and why it was funny. Before I could say anything else he was on about some strange guy in his class. I thought he might have taken some drugs but he said he’d just had a few drinks. I couldn’t help but think about Caroline and what she said a couple of weeks ago. Was she onto something? Was she trying to warn me—in her own way—not very subtle I admit. Perhaps she was just trying to let me down gently and prepare for the inevitable. Surely not. I love him too much for that to happen. He loves me too much. Doesn’t he? God I hate him being away. Why can’t he be here so I can just talk to him and hold him? Everything would be fine then.

September 10th

Caroline and Greg are ‘on’ again—according to Caroline. Not sure about Greg, but then who is sure about Greg? Is Greg sure about Greg? He probably has no idea of what’s going on. I still don’t like him. I mean what DOES Caroline see in him? He’s ancient (well at least in his forties anyway), bald and he’s not exactly God’s gift on the looks front. Caroline says he is wise and he has got experience and she finds his emotional commitment to his art a wonder. Actually I think his art is crap. Caroline says he might not be good technically but he is raw and exciting and cuts to the nervous pulse of our times. Really? It’s still crap if you ask me. I think Caroline has got her people radar seriously askew with Greg. But—she’s happy. Well as happy as Caroline can get. She’s talking of moving again, by the end of the year she says. I think she will. It is time. Oh YES it’s time for her to go.

September 19th

NEWSFLASH—BREAKING NEWS—HOLD THE FRONT PAGE. Jack is home on the 14th December. Yes, he’s booked and it’s official—he’s coming home and we’ll have at least a month together. It sounds like he is doing some amazing things at Cambridge—of course I’m not sure what, after all I’m too stupid to understand (ha ha). Oh God, it’s great to think that he is coming home and it’s so soon, less than three months. I feel as though we’ve come through the test. All these months apart and still committed to each other and THAT’S THE BLOODY TRUTH. Yes, I still love him and he loves me—hallelujah, clap your hands and praise the Lord. We’ve spent so little time together, but here we are. There are times when I’ve felt a bit wobbly about things, but we made it through. Saw Helen yesterday, her and Mike are still OK. It’s great to think that from our holiday at the bach two relationships are still going strong. Duncan is still in Oz, as for Jo, well, who cares—I don’t! Never did like her, so there’s a fat chance of me starting to think about her now.

October 14th

Caroline moves out tomorrow. She’s got this place in Titirangi. Mum and Dad thought she might be moving in with Greg, but she isn’t. She wants her space, which is why she is on the move from here.

P.S Two months, 7 hours, 40 minutes—wait…39 minutes before Jack comes home. Not that I’m counting. Who me? Love him.

November 18th

Had a fitting today for the bridesmaid dress. Looks good, but I think I need to lose a few kilos, my arse looked huge, and I mean HUGE. Don’t want Jack seeing that, he’ll think I’ve gone to seed. I saw Caroline for the first time since she moved out. My God, she looked stunning in the dress. Her art is going really well, but it seems as though things are dodgy again with Greg Van Gogh. Seems he’s been a naughty boy with some old tart. (How does he do it? I mean he really is bloody ugly, but he sure gets the girls.) Caroline said she doesn’t care about the sex, she just thinks it questions his commitment. I think it just proves he’s an arsehole. If it was me I’d have had his dick off and buried in the back garden. God help Jack if he starts any of that nonsense. I did suggest to Caroline that perhaps she should dump him, but she just rolled her eyes in that superior way of hers and told me I didn’t understand the artistic temperament. Do you know what she said then? I might not understand, but Jack would. Bloody cheek!! The artistic impulse—oh pleeease. What rubbish. This seems to be my year of not understanding. Perhaps I should give up uni, give up wanting to be a teacher and go off and have five kids.

December 12th

Jack has left England. He’s on his way back home. There’s nothing else to say…oh go on then, I’ll force myself. I’ve never felt so excited. When I see him I’m going to hug him for so long I might never let go. What a Christmas it is going to be. Jack home, Polly’s wedding, that should be wonderful, what with the reception on the beach—how romantic. Hey, what is it with beaches and me? You know, I feel really happy. Life just couldn’t be better. I feel like I have everything.

I can’t help but wonder how my life might have unfolded if I’d taken Jo instead of Mary all those summers ago. Choosing her at the bach would have extinguished any opportunity of being with Mary. Perhaps I might have enjoyed a simpler, less demanding life. Who knows? When I awoke with Jo in the Hilton there was a moment when I felt as though the alternative path had been followed. There was just this second of peace as I watched the gentle rise of her sleeping shoulder. But as quickly as it came, it was gone. My room was not a place of happiness and order; it was disorganised and dirty, full of insatiable desires. Hastily yanked clothing, the remnants of drugs and half-full glasses were everywhere. This was my life.