Rick Moody - The Ice Storm

— What else could I be? Hood rushed on. What else could I be besides unfaithful? We’re not living in the real world, honey. You’re living out of some fantasyland from the past. You’re living out some advice from the fancy psychotherapists. There are some hard facts here.

A room full of silences.

— Look around you, anyway. It’s the law of the land. People are unfaithful. The government is unfaithful. The world is. Look at those two guys on the Yankees, for God’s sake. And you saw that movie. Nothing is the way we think. Everything is diluted. And I’m not having any fun at it, I can tell you that. Look, it’s all bruises, baby doll. And I’m not… I can’t wait for us to heal up forever, you know—

In the library, the television grew louder.

— Oh, lord, Elena said. You think I’m so dense. And now you want to be seen with your dense wife at the cocktail party. You want to wear your ridiculous ascot out to a cocktail party. That ridiculous ascot that doesn’t go with those pants at all. You want to wear that out, and you want me to shake hands with your friends and make conversation. And you want me to dress up in some outfit that shows off a lot of cleavage. And you’re not even going to accord me the respect of talking honestly about this.

— At least we can get out of the house, he said. At least we can get some air. Let’s just go and try to be part of the neighborhood. Let’s just throw in with the rest of the people for the evening, honey. I don’t want to spend the night reading in separate rooms, you know? Let’s have a good time, run with the pack.

He threw the Almond Joy wrapper on the counter and stole into his daughter’s plunder again. Charleston Chew.

— You don’t really know what this feels like, Elena said. You haven’t considered that. You never do. And when you finally do—

— Sure I do, Benjamin whispered. Do I know what loneliness feels like? I sure do. I know a lot about it, if that’s what you’re saying.

— Benjamin, she said. That’s supposed to explain it?

— All I’m saying is that loneliness is the music of the spheres around here. That’s all I’m saying. And as a result I have fallen into some things I regret, baby doll. I have regrets, I will tell you that.

He seemed to grow tired suddenly. He walked into range, into her reach. She certainly was not going to embrace him. She certainly was not going to assume the posture of the vulnerable. They were apart, attracted and repelled. The moment passed. Elena thought practically about turning up the thermostat, and of reminding Wendy about the Duraflame logs. Her mind was deflected from her own predicament. She was sad, but she refused any responsibility for sadness. Was there enough newspaper by the fireplace?

They parted, to regroup. Hood closed himself into the hall bathroom.

Elena wiped her face with the dish towel. The dog stood expectantly in front of her, its windshield-wiper tail going back and forth.

In the library she found Wendy engrossed in her ninth or tenth encounter with Charlie Brown’s morose little Christmas tree. Elena leaned over the back of the Naugahyde

recliner and buried her hands in her daughter’s hair.

— We’re going to the Halfords’. The number is on the calendar in the kitchen. We should be home around eleven.

— Is it a big party? A big neighborhood party? Wendy’s eyes never strayed from the screen.

— I suppose, Elena said. Why?

— Just curious, Wendy said earnestly. If there’s a problem, I guess I’ll just call you there to interrupt.

— What sort of problems are you planning exactly? Elena kissed the top of her daughter’s head, right at the part. Wendy’s concentration didn’t ebb.

— Thought I’d steal the station wagon, go joyriding, and then drive up to a commune. Or enlist. Or set the house on fire. You know.

— Just bundle up, Elena said. Extra blankets in the linen closet. We’ll see you in the morning.

The hall bathroom door was open. The toilet tank was filling. Elena would not change her Hush Puppies or paint her face. She searched the front hall closet for the right kind of rain gear. The journey was about a mile, door to door, and they would travel by car. Still, Elena took the light-blue raincoat she had purchased on sale at Lord & Taylor in Stamford.

Through the narrow windows by the front door, she peered out at the sleet. It had begun to collect on the lawn — what there was of a lawn there — and in the brush and fallen leaves around their house. The roads would be full of treachery. They would be slick and undependable. The maintenance crews would be laboring, again, up to the top of the hill, spilling rock salt and sand, casting floodlights to and fro.

Outside, Benjamin was going around and around in the circle at the end of the driveway. She called good night to Wendy and got no response.

Peanuts music again. Then she closed the door behind her and skipped through the first inches of slush on the flagstone. In the car, she and her husband were silent.

In college, she had often announced her love for Benjamin to the back of his head, to the back of his tweed suit, to his retreating figure. Only to find that it was not him after all, that it was simply some look-alike. Sometimes it was even a redhead or a black man or a woman. She had so much affection for him that it spilled over everywhere.

Or she called his fraternity — Darling, I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight! — and found herself connected with a brother posing as Benjamin. Oh, Elena, sweetiekins, my little lemon tart! HA! HA! HA! HA!

This period of farce, culminating in the day on which Benjamin proposed — out of lack of imagination, it seemed now — was also characterized by calls she meant to place elsewhere — to Diana Olson or to Billy O’Malley, for example-but that ended up ringing at Benjamin’s fraternity house. She would get him on the phone and believe him, at first, to be someone else. It was as if she couldn’t have any other relationship, as if there were no other calls left for her to make. Back then, she had loved all of them, all those who resembled Benjamin Hood and even those who did not.

So love was mistaken identity. Erich Fromm and C. S. Lewis and Paul Tillich all agreed. Love was scattered on the winds. It exceeded its targets. So maybe Benjamin was right and the adults of the seventies had good cause to misplace their affections among phantoms and strangers and memories of desire. This man driving the car picked his nose in the same way as the man she’d married, scratched his ass in the same way, and took incredibly long showers, but he was not the same man. She remembered things about him he would never know again. The way he started to cry over a run-down petting zoo they had visited with the kids in Bridgeport; the way he had loved reading Breakfast at Tiffany’s; his bewilderment at his mother’s stroke. His smile was full of cheap sunsets and lonely Christmases. His rage had sharp angles. She’d remember all this stuff. She cheated on Benjamin with his own lost youth.

And Benjamin had his perceptions of her as well. Chief among his criticisms of his wife, she knew, was her failure to make small talk at parties. In the car there was a moment to bone up. Since the market had fallen off, since the government had recently revealed that it had both lost and erased important sections of its own secretly recorded tapes, since the Arab nations had effected an oil embargo against Western nations that supported Israel, and since the U.S., therefore, would likely be rationing petroleum in the near future, current events were not an appropriate topic of conversation at the party. They were all trying to forget current events.