Stanley Elkin - The Dick Gibson Show

It was Dick, however, who went about taking down their addresses and carefully writing out his own for them. “Of course I won’t be there long, but a letter would always be forwarded. I’ve put down my real name, but here in parentheses is the name you’ve known me by. No, keep the scarf. I’ve got another.”

And when the valises were closed and placed beside the bunks while they waited for the taxi that would take them to town, he saw the makeshift essence of their belongings — bandboxes, cardboard grips tied with rope, duffel bags, paper parcels, only one leather suitcase— and was moved by this additional evidence of their gypsy, trouper lot.

And so, still a young man, he started out for home, where they would probably be happy to see him.

It took him months to get there. He found himself explaining this one night, a few years later, to strangers.

“How do you do, ladies and gentlemen, this is Dick ‘Pepsodent’ Gibson. I’m very happy to be here in Minneapolis tonight. Bob Hope will be with you in a few minutes, but first he’s asked me to come out here and talk to you all for a bit. I’m your warmup man. Are you cold, madam? Skinnay Ennis was supposed to do this but he’s working out, he’s getting in shape for a tug-of-war next week against the 142nd Airborne. I won’t say Skinnay’s team is the underdog, but Frank Sinatra’s the anchor man. Frank Sinatra — he was putting one of his songs on the phonograph last night and his hand slipped through the hole in the record. I won’t say he’s thin, but his mother used to use him to test cakes.

“Listen, Bob asked me to tell you he’s got a great show lined up for you tonight. Bob’s here, and Frances Langford and Vera Vague — and Frances Langford. Let’s see, then there’s Skinnay Ennis and his orchestra and Jerry Colonna — and Frances Langford. Frances Langford, I won’t say she’s pretty but the other day someone told me she looks just like the girl next door and I went out and bought a house. You know who lives next door to me? Vera Vague. Vera Vague — that’s Fibber Magee’s closet in a girdle. I won’t say she’s ugly but her beauty mark died of loneliness. I won’t say she’s unattractive but the St. Paul police saw her crossing Kellogg Boulevard yesterday and put out an all-points alert for a hit-and-run driver.

“Now the show’s going to begin in about thirty minutes, so if anybody has to cough let him do it now. I tell you what, when I count three everybody cough together. All at once now. All right, are you ready? Let’s go. One. Two. Three. Cough, everybody. Let’s do it again. One. Two. Three. Fine, now just once more. One. Two. Three. Wonderful. Everybody passes the physical. You’ve all just been inducted into the United States Army!

“Well, come on now, you don’t think I tell jokes for a living, do you? This is Dick ‘Pepsodent’ Gibson. I just warm you up for the star, let you know you’re among friends. Bob’s show’s dependent upon audience reaction and the way we get that — this is inside stuff, folks — is to let you know we’re human too. Now that fellow sitting on the stage there is Joe Glober. Joe’s Bob’s card man. Been with him for years. During the show he’s going to hold up a sign that says ‘Laugh,’ and that cues you to laugh. Joe, hold that sign up for these folks. Not upside down, for God’s sake. Who hired you, Red Skelton? There, that’s better. All right, people, let’s hear your laugh. The engineer wants a sound level. Come on, when I say three. One. Two. Two and a half. Two and twenty-one thousand twenty-two thousandths. Three. Go. Look at Joe’s sign, Joe’s sign. Too soft. This is coast-to-coast. How are they supposed to hear you in Tucson? All right. There were these newlyweds. They go off on their honeymoon. The trains are crowded, so all they can get is an upper berth. It’s their first night together and they’re in this little upper berth, do you follow? Well, it’s pretty crowded up there and they don’t want to disturb the other passengers, so the little bride whispers in her husband’s ear, ‘Sweetheart, when you want to make love just say, “Pass the oranges.” That way the other passengers won’t know what we’re doing. “Pass the oranges.”’ So the husband agrees and in five minutes he gets pretty excited and he tells his wife to pass the oranges. Then a little later the wife says, ‘Pass the oranges.’ Then in twenty minutes the husband says, ‘Pass the oranges.’ And that’s the way it goes all night. Then, just before dawn, after the guy’s asked for the oranges about forty times, they hear this voice from the lower berth: ‘Lady, will you hand him the god-damned glass carefully this time? The juice keeps dripping in my face.’

“Oh, you liked that one. Did you get a level on that, Mel? Mel Bell, ladies and gentlemen — the engineer. Mel’s been with Bob for years.

“So that’s the kind of material you people like, is it? Well, you won’t hear any stories like that once the show starts. We don’t talk dirty mouth around here. Not on your tintype we don’t. Not on the Pepsodent Show. Anybody here ever been to Boulder Darn? No, seriously folks, we can make all the jokes we want to about lust. Well, we can. What do you think those Frances Langford jokes are all about? And the Vera Vague routines? Why, to hear Bob tell it you’d think Miss Vague was a nymphomaniac or something. You want the inside story? Frances Langford isn’t even my type. (Herbie Lauscher, ladies and gentlemen, one of Bob’s writers. Been with him for years, years.) And Vera Vague is actually a very lovely person. A real lady. Sinatra weighs as much as I do and last year Jack Benny raised a quarter of a million dollars for United War Relief. Skinnay Ennis spells his name S-k-i-n-n-a-y. He’s from down south. They name folks like that down there. Wait till you see him. That’s just a joke about his being thin.

“All right?

“And only the band goes by bus. That’s a practical arrangement, a matter of logistics. Mr. Ennis arrives by plane a day before the show. Mr. Hope travels first class but alone. The private life. And it would break your heart to see him come down the ramp from the plane with his coat over his arm and his briefcase in his hand. He brings the script, you see, he carries it with him. And even if some flunky fetches his baggage, why at least Hope has to hand him the claim checks. And most of the time he picks it up himself, if you want to know.

“All right, granted Bob Hope’s got a face people recognize. That makes a difference. But what about the others? The poet who carries his bags aboard the train and takes off his coat but doesn’t know where to hang it and rolls it up with the manuscript inside, then remembers and removes it, and folds up the coat all over again and puts it down beside him this time because he doesn’t want people to see him jump up and down and think he’s a hick? What of people in air terminals waiting for connecting flights, passing the time at coffee counters, the sleeve of their trench coats in the puddle of Coca-Cola? What of men on vacation or business in countries where they don’t speak the language or know the customs? What of the arrangements men have to make? I’m talking about obtaining rooms and getting your supper sent up. There’s no way of greasing all of life, I say.

“Are you warming up? Jacomo Miller, folks, Bob’s microphone man for many years. Been with him since he was a kid in fact. This summer the final adoption comes through.

“There’s always the tire gone flat in the desert and no air in the spare. This is small time, peanuts, granted, agreed. All I mean to get across is—

“Listen, maybe this will explain what I mean. The guest lecturer for the Men’s Auxiliary or the Temple Sisterhood. He’s been around the world. He has slides from the upper reaches of the Amazon. Beautiful stuff, no white man’s ever gotten this close. The slides are in a black leather case. He’s afraid to check them so he takes them aboard the plane with him. But the case is too big. They won’t let him put it in the overhead rack, and it doesn’t fit comfortably under the seat. Besides, he’s uneasy; suppose they hit an air pocket and the case slides forward under someone else’s seat? It would be all right in the rack, but the stewardess won’t let him put it there. What does she know? Where’s she been? To Cleveland five hundred times? This guy’s been everywhere — the top of the Amazon, the bottom. Still, he has to hold the case on his lap like any salesman with an order pad on his knee. It’s different, but who’s to know this? Nobody knows. There’s this appearance of ordinariness. That’s what breaks your heart. You follow? You see? Mel, quick, get a level. No?