Peter Stjernström - The Best Book in the World

Hmm, thinks Titus, what a good idea. One-liners are philosophy in a concentrated form. An idea what won’t fit in a one-liner can never be understood by the masses. Naturally, The Best Book in the World must have the best one-liners in the world. He has already touched on that subconsciously, but can throw in even more into Håkan Rink’s dialogue. Ingenious abbreviations and one-liners, that’ll be what characterises the chief inspector’s language. A person who talks with abbreviations and one-liners wins Respect with a capital R.

And a capital R is something that is always on Håkan Rink’s mind.

‘Do you like them? I found them on Internet. On my own homepage, hahaha!’ chuckles Doctor Rolf with loud joviality, and puts his arm around Titus. He leads him into the consulting room.

‘Take a seat! But don’t take it home with you, haha!’

Titus finds them rather trying, people who are implacably jolly. It is as if they have a monopoly on good cheer. They smother everybody else’s attempt to be cheerful. Doctor Rolf is most certainly one of those people who starts a party by reeling off four or five funny stories, Titus thinks. It is so damned twentieth century to tell funny stories. And without a doubt he’ll be an expert on dirty stories too. Dirty stories are the worst sort of all funny stories.

Doctor Rolf sits down behind his large desk that is full of folders, prescription blocks, pens and a keyboard that looks a bit sticky. A plate with a half-eaten Danish pastry explains that. Doctor Rolf is one of those people who munches away and makes a mess while surfing or working. Since all his attention is directed towards the screen, he doesn’t notice when he spills something on the keyboard.

Titus sits in the visitor’s chair on the other side of the desk. It is a bit low in relation to the desk top, and Titus feels small. Besides, the armrest is too high. And the armrests are too close to each other for it to be comfortable to have your arms inside them. It’s too cramped; he feels like a fatty in a doll’s chair. So he puts his arms on the armrests even though it makes his shoulders almost shoot up towards his ears. His fingers turn white as he firmly grasps the front of the armrests.

He does not feel at all comfortable with this visit. Doctor Rolf doesn’t seem a hundred per cent serious. Rather the opposite, in fact.

‘Yes, well indeed. Welcome, one might well say.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Right, you wanted to know a little about multi-therapy, is that correct?’

‘Yes.’

‘How much do you know?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Oh, I see,’ says Doctor Rolf, and indicates his serious intentions by pulling a little on the collar of his white coat.

‘Let me start from scratch. What is your problem? I mean, why were you curious about coming here?’

‘I don’t have any problems. I came because I got curious after a telephone salesman phoned me,’ said Titus, in a friendly tone.

‘Excellent! That is a good basic attitude. “I don’t have any problems.” One might think so. It is not entirely correct, but I won’t say that it is entirely wrong.’

‘No?’

‘Multi-therapy is based on an ancient philosophy. Everything that you understand as life and “the world” consists of events that are processed by your brain. Your brain is unique, so your picture of the world is unique too. What you perceive as green may be seen as red by somebody else. What you see as right is wrong for another person. When you think “ nemas problemas ”, your fellow man may regard the situation as terrible.’

‘Mmm, yes…’

‘Experiences are nothing more than chemical reactions. Take what people call love, for example. Falling in love is about a bundle of hormones rushing around inside your body. There is no rational explanation for why a certain person attracts another. But what we do know is that we can influence the selection processes through conscious acts. By, for example, following norms and changes of fashion, our ability to attract increases. Adaptation is considered attractive because the opposite party understands that we have enough imagination to manage to support our offspring. Thus: our actions affect our hormones. A pair of modern jeans on a perfectly ordinary bottom gets more hormones going than does a pair of old-fashioned jeans on the same bottom. The act sets off a chemical reaction that creates the experience of love. It isn’t the bottom that gets the hormones going, it is the act. The choice of the correct pair of jeans, that is. The act itself is everything. Do you understand?’

‘Yes, I think so…’

‘Well, life is chemistry. You are a chemistry set. I am another.’

Doctor Rolf leans back and looks at Titus. Titus wonders where they are going. Doctor Rolf puts one hand on the back of his head and slowly pushes it through his hair down towards his brow. His fingers drip slowly down his forehead. The hand stops when it reaches his eyebrows. It rests there a while. Then he tugs a little at the skin of his forehead. His eyebrows go up and down, up and down. Then he suddenly lets go of his own head and continues:

‘You say that you don’t have any problems, don’t you?’

‘Yes…’

‘That is an interesting attitude. Most people who come here think they have problems. Serious ones, even. I usually tell them that they do not. But now the opposite would seem to be the case. Here is somebody who says he is without any problems.’

When Doctor Rolf says ‘without any problems’, he makes it sound like the exact opposite, like a condition that is very serious, indeed mortal. Doctor Rolf closes his eyes and emits a short snoring sound. Titus gives a start and tries to seem like an ordinary person.

‘Yes, well, without any problems – what does it mean: without any problems? I do of course struggle with some problems. Or have done in the past, one might say. But I don’t have any mental afflictions, if that is what you mean.’

‘No, of course not. I understand. “No mental afflictions.”’ Doctor Rolf pronounces his diagnosis slowly. Then he quickly gets up from his chair.

‘Yes, Titus. In that case, there is nothing I can do for you. Regrettably.’

‘Are we already finished?’ wonders Titus.

‘No, by no means! But if you don’t have any problems, I will then have to exhibit some of mine. You wanted to find out more about multi-therapy and so you will.’

‘Thank you, but I don’t know if that is necessary…’

‘Oh, but yes. Don’t be silly,’ says Doctor Rolf and turns on his best lecturer voice. ‘First, I shall tell you what it is about. Then I shall demonstrate how it can work. Thus: life is chemistry. Everything you perceive depends upon your chemical make-up. Everything you perceive wrongly also depends upon your chemical make-up. All qualities or singularities you have that can be interpreted as abnormal in the eyes of others can be altered with the help of chemical reactions. It is, for example, quite common that people take medicines containing chemicals if they feel excessively persecuted. People who are too happy may take medicine made from the chemical element lithium to deal with that affliction. And people who feel extremely unhappy may also take lithium. With enough lithium in your body, we will all feel good and be like each other. That is what they want. Or what their relatives want. Be that as it may: chemicals are far too clumsy according to us multi-therapists.’

Titus nods cautiously. He is of course curious as to what Doctor Rolf has to say. At the same time, he has a feeling that one shouldn’t stimulate him too much with one’s interest. Doctor Rolf rolls all the time between apathy and frenzy. One moment, he looks as if he is falling asleep. The next, there is lightning in his eyes.