Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

“ I made you?”

“Actually the crazy thing would’ve worked if not for damn Arronaugh.”

“What happened?”

“Well the jury comes in wanting to hear testimony about company lettering on the van. Fine, except that while the court reporter is looking for the testimony the DA pipes in saying he spoke to the complainant over the break and it seems there was no lettering on the van whatsoever.”

“No.”

“Yeah.”

“Yes!”

“Right. Except Arronaugh rules that the jury doesn’t have to hear this little bit of information and directs the court reporter to read back the part about the van having our lettering to the jury.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

“So they convict?”

“Soon as they hear the testimony.”

“So it worked, they based their decision on whether the defendant had reason to know that the van was commercial. The problem is their verdict appears to be based on a factual misstatement.”

“Which the judge was aware of and refused to remedy in any way. Worse than that, which the judge was aware of and allowed to be repeated!”

“What a strong appeal, I believe the leading case is—”

“Appeal. Guy’s like you get all excited about the appeal. Don’t you see that I view the very existence of an appeal as a disastrous failure? No much worse, a personal affront of the highest order for which I blame you.”

“What about a 330.30 motion?”

“I know, I have to do one.”

“A motion to set aside the verdict.”

“Yes.”

“The relevant question under such a motion is—”

“I know all about them Toom. I just never thought I’d have occasion to do one and I blame you.”

“I think you have a great argument that—”

“Don’t you want to know why I blame you?”

“You don’t blame me.”

“You’re right, I don’t, but someone has to take the blame for this fiasco and I’m telling you right now, it’s not going to be me. I wash my hands of this whole affair is what I do.”

“Perhaps—”

“Let’s not talk about that trial anymore Toomie, agreed?”

“Okay,” he said then looked around sheepishly only finally meeting my eyes when I conspicuously stared at his swiveling head. “Last week you said that once you had completed the trial, you would be available to fully discuss Jalen Kingg’s appeal. I believe the agreement was that I would assist you with Hurtado in return for a promise to reconsider your refusal to work on King because of the Skittles.”

“Right, an agreement I fully complied with. You helped me and I gave you a promise. What more do you want from me? I held up my end.”

“Fine, I misspoke. My help was in exchange not just for a mere promise but for the actual reconsideration.”

“All I can go by is the language you used. Precision in language is the most critical of human endeavors. If I were to ignore your plain language and provide actual reconsideration in exchange for your help I would be indirectly encouraging future sloppiness in your language, greater sin of which I am not aware. I consider you my portly friend and I could never do that to such a friend, meaning one who’s portly.”

“Well then, aside from our agreement, you did in fact make a promise. If you did not now actually reconsider you would be breaking that promise. What are your feelings on that?”

“Well, putting aside for the moment my admitted sophistry, what is the status of my promise in light of your dismal performance on Hurtado?”

“Dismal? The current state of the law is such that—”

“Don’t worry Toom, I just like to see your facial and other nonverbal reactions. You really think I would abandon you the way that Ledo bastard abandoned us? After everything we’ve been through together? Don’t ever forget that promise I made to you decades ago in the sweaty jungles of Vietnam as you lay dying from VC lead in your gut. Remember it?”

“No, but as I recall you placed it there in a friendly fire mishap.”

“I don’t think that’s accurate but truthfully that whole period was a drug-induced haze for me so you may be right. Anyway the reason I was calling you yesterday was my cousin.”

“Cousin?”

“Yeah I have this cousin who came here from Colombia about a year ago. Only I recently found out he came in illegally from Mexico and into Texas. Anyway he dressed some van up like a giant hot dog and started selling them.”

“He was selling vans that had been decorated to look like oversized frankfurters?”

“No he was selling hot dogs out of the van, its weiner-like appearance serving as a kind of automotive advertisement.”

“Got it.”

“Anyway he got arrested for selling them without a license.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Exactly.”

“INS?”

“Yup, there anything I can do?”

“He entered illegally?”

“Apparently.”

“I don’t know much about this area of the law, but my guess is there’s not much you can do, they just remand them and initiate deportation proceedings right?”

“Yeah but the question is can you fight it in anyway?”

“I doubt it because the bottom line is he has no arguable right to be here.”

“I know but c’mon there has to be something.”

“Most just come back, I believe, although re-entry does constitute a federal crime.”

“And he’ll certainly never be granted legal entry.”

“Correct.”

“So now what?”

“Well unless you’re going to break him out of the facility where he’s being held.”

“Great idea, there’s no other choice. You in?”

“In what?”

“I can’t do it alone for Chrissakes there’s bound to be some security. How about a deal? You help me break my cousin out and I’ll promise to help you spring any relatives of yours who may be incarcerated in the future.”

“You’ll promise or you’ll actually help?”

“Now you’re thinking Toom, maybe you are smart after all.”

“I’ll check on this INS thing for you but I’m fairly certain there’s nothing one can do.”

“How about more than one ?”

“I’ll check. As for Kingg there’s a bit of a problem.”

“What is it?”

“Twenty days.”

“How many?”

“Twenty.”

“Good Lord.”

“How far along on your point are you?”

“I can get it done Toom. It’s just going to be brutal. How about you?”

“I’ll be fine. But one of us has to go down there very soon, this weekend at the latest.”

“Not one of us, me, right? It’s my point.”

“I suppose.”

“You’re right too, it has to be this weekend in case something comes up.”

“There’s a flight out of Newark Friday morning, I checked. We can set up attorney visits for both Saturday and Sunday and you can catch an early Monday morning flight back. I talked to Pat Haggerty, she’s in charge of finance and she says they’ll pay for it all.”

“Anything else?”

“That’s pretty much everything.”

“I commend you for your thoroughness. Why can’t we both go?”

“I have a wedding this weekend.”

“Congratulations but you don’t invite me?”

“I’m not getting married, I’m a guest.”

“Good point.”

“So you’ll go?”

“Well I won’t really know anybody except you, but sure I’ll go.”

“Not to the wedding, to Alabama.”

“Oh, sure, always wanted to see the resplendent beaches of Alabama.”

“You’re going to Atmore, no beaches.”

“You always screw me Toomie. Man I’ve got a lot to do before I get on that plane, expect a lot of late night calls.”