Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

“That’s all part of it, I agree, but I also think not the full story. I think that the prevalence of sexual content you refer to is more symptom than cause of the dulling of actual sex. We’re obsessed with what we’ve ruined. In a village that was starving to death you might be able to interest people in a magazine with a pot roast centerfold. Similarly, as the ever increasing ambient noise we endure continues to reduce the intensity of actual sex, we become more obsessed than ever with its simulations. Our obsession is a result of and an attempt to remedy the fact that we can’t consumer our way into true sex the way we can everything else. I know what you’re all going to say but put aside for the moment prostitution and similar conduct because I’m talking about real sex where both parties share a common motivation. That kind of sex cannot be purchased and this consumer impotence outstrips all others and leads to our current obsession. The problem is that unlike real sex, which has withstood the passage of time as our foremost attraction, this simulated and packaged version can have its attraction exhausted. When that happens, the stakes have to be raised. So whereas yesterday you were perfectly happy watching women in bikinis running on the beach on Channel 5, today you need to see completely naked women throwing chocolate pudding at each other on pay-per-view.”

Television: Come and knock on our door.. .

“Yes!” said a gleeful Angus.

Television:… take a step that is new

“How much you want to bet,” said Angus, “that during the course of this episode a misunderstanding will arise between the roommates, possibly involving Mr. Furley and/or one or all of the satellite characters, and it will be a misunderstanding which could be instantly cleared up if one of the characters would simply say wait, are we talking about the same thing here ? yet this will not be done until only two minutes are left in the episode? Also here’s a critical question. The question is — and Traci you don’t have to answer this — but Alyona, Casi,” he paused as if giving a eulogy and mustering his last great recollection, “would you do Janet?”

“Sure,” said Alyona.

“Really? Chrissy’s so much hotter.”

“Don’t get me wrong Angus. I’d pork Chrissy first but that wasn’t your question. What are you saying? You wouldn’t ball Janet?”

“I guess I would, if I had to.”

“What do you mean had to ?”

“Well if she wanted me to bone her then it seems I’d have a moral obligation to do so.”

“Moral?”

“Well maybe professional.”

“Okay that’s my cue to leave,” said Traci as she uncoiled off the sofa and towards the door. “Goodbye gentlemen, to use the term loosely, it’s been a pleasure and tell Louis he needs to work on his timing. Bye Casi,” she added then did this thing where she clasped and unclasped her hand towards me and just like that she was out the door and gone taking the newly-birthed concupiscence with her.

“Well that was the only thing keeping me here, so I’ll see you guys later,” I said as I headed for the door.

“Nice going man. You frigging insulted her,” Alyona said to Angus.

“What are you talking about dude?”

“What was all that would-you-do-Janet shit?”

“She wasn’t insulted by that man. She’s the same person who was singing the praises of fucking five minutes prior!”

“You crossed the line, simple as that,” Alyona said. “Besides it was a stupid question. What man wouldn’t give Janet the high hard one?”

“Ralph,” Angus said.

“Who?” I said.

“Ralph. Ralph wouldn’t do the horizontal horror with Janet. He’s a happily married man.”

“Ralph? Who’s Ralph?”

“Ralph Kramden man.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Did you forget about Angus’s grand experiment?” said Alyona.

“Oh yeah, how’d that go?”

“You mean how’s it going? ” said Angus. “You happened to come in during a short break. I’m still watching them and have been continuously since Thursday night.”

“And?”

“And it’s working. It’s just going to take a little longer than I thought.”

“What do you mean it’s working?”

“Well I can’t say that Ralph has become fully human just yet but he’s definitely getting close. Actually right now I’m a little worried about him. His friend Norton’s big mouth has gotten him into a pickle and now he’s scheduled to participate in a boxing match with this huge guy named Harvey.”

“What the?”

“That’s the most recent one,” explained Alyona wearily and was that maybe a little fear I detected in his voice?

“He’ll think of something,” reassured Angus.

Television: At participating stores only .

“Wow they can’t even make the food look good in the commercials anymore,” Alyona said as the camera zoomed in on the golden potato skyline in the red container. “I will give McDonald’s credit, however, for making no bones about the fact that for us food is first and foremost entertainment. I recently went to one of these restaurants and I was reminded how a lot of them have these playgrounds in the back. So I went into this McDonaldland as it’s called and at first I was dumbfounded, like what does this purple Grimace guy riding a seesaw have to do with cheeseburgers ? But really the marriage is perfect and beautiful in its honesty. I now think that McDonaldland may be the purest province in our land.”

“Relax,” said Angus. “McDonaldland is not some modern Utopia. It has its share of problems as well.”

“Like what?”

“Well crime for one.”

“Crime?”

“The Hamburglar,” I sheepishly interjected.

“That’s absolutely correct. The man’s a menace.”

“I forgot about him,” said Alyona.

“Please,” I said. “The guy’s an idiot. How effective does he expect to be walking around in that prison garb?”

“He does positively announce himself Angus,” said Alyona.

“Maybe so, but the fact remains he’s been plying his sinister trade for like forty years and they still haven’t been able to stop him.”

“Well then maybe Mayor McCheese has to start running a tighter ship over there,” countered Alyona.

“He can’t. His hands are tied, all these concerns over the rights of the criminal.”

“Tied hands? Are you nuts? Mayor McCheese is essentially a dictator. He’s been in power like thirty years and I have yet to hear of any election. Also, the guy’s surname prominently features the word cheese . Shouldn’t he be dead of a heart attack by now?”

“First of all it’s not a dictatorship. You have to account for Ronald McDonald. The government of McDonaldland is more like a… what do you call it?”

“Kakistocracy,” I offered.

“Oligarchy,” Alyona said.

“Thank you, yes. In fact, there are those who believe that Mayor McCheese is nothing more than a puppet of Ronald McDonald’s. I believe those people are correct, incidentally. Goddamn Ronald McDonald runs that fucking city. It’s his eponymous ballgame.”

Television: I’m living on the air in Cincinnati.. .

“This is a great show,” said Angus

“I have to go,” I said opening the door.

“Wait Casi. Before you go, what do you think happens to these people?”

“Who?”

“Like Herb Tarlek where is that guy now?”

“You mean the actor?”

After a long pause and I mean the kind of pause that makes you wonder whether you made yourself heard, Angus finally responded. “Not sure,” he said almost silently.

In the hall I was immediately set upon by Louie. He looked relieved to see me — maybe just glad to be indoors — but also apprehensive about approaching his apartment door. After an exchange of minor pleasantries: