Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

“Unfortunately I’m not joking.”

“See you know these things, that’s exactly why I’m going to ask you what I’m about to ask you.”

“What’s that?”

“I get to have an attorney at this thing. Apparently they don’t want to violate every single rule established through centuries of American jurisprudence. So what do you say?”

“Sure.”

“Of course some type of barteristic transaction will have to be worked out to satisfy your justifiably outlandish fee.”

“Of course.”

“But aside from that I’m a dream client for this reason. I will not bother you with any annoying protestations of innocence. Instead, I acknowledge my guilt. And not a technical, spurious guilt that comes with an explanation either. This is like a pure guilt-concentrate that courses through my very veins like substitute blood. All I ask is that you somehow make it so I can avoid the rightful consequences of this guilt. Fair is fair and I want unfair. I want to admit to wrongdoing, admit I do little else, yet have it lead to nothing punitive. Can you get me that counselor?”

“I’ll try.”

“Thank you then, it’s settled”

“I do feel compelled to insert something at this point.”

“Insert away.”

“You can’t joke your way out of this one young man.”

“You haven’t seen me joking at my best.”

“You also have the in-house charges remember?”

“Still with the in-house?”

“Yes and on the fourth as well if I heard correctly?”

“On the fourth?”

“Yes, and Deborah Podurk is heading the panel that will be questioning you.”

“How do you know all this and shouldn’t I know this stuff?”

“You certainly should, hence my reference to the advisability of you decreasing the mirth factor and maybe paying more attention to these two events that threaten to derail your career.”

“No can do Toomster. I’m a writer now, nothing more. I have to save Kingg with my prose. The rest is meaningless. Did you say the fourth?”

“That’s what I heard.”

“So you’re talking basically a twi-night doubleheader of legal disciplinary proceedings.”

“It seems, why?”

“Well if you know your baseball you know it’s very difficult to sweep a doubleheader. The almost default result is a split, but a split on the fourth might do me little good.”

“I see.”

“Never mind, we’ll sweep”

“I can’t help you on the in-house thing.”

“Where’s Tom anyway? Can’t he just issue some hastily-worded executive fiat instantaneously clearing me of all charges. I mean, isn’t he in charge here?”

“He’s still on vacation.”

“What kind of vacation is this?”

“Exactly, you may have hit on the problem. The vacation may be a euphemistic one.”

“Good grief.”

“I don’t know.”

“What’s it like being married anyway? You’re never really alone, not the way I am. Do you even remember being alone?”

“Sure.”

“If I were you I wouldn’t remember it, not for a minute. Anyway it’s all about the Kingg right now. All Kingg all the time, you think it would help if I took some kind of formal vow?”

“Vow?”

“Yeah you know, if I vowed to save Kingg’s life, don’t you think that might help? I mean a vow is a serious thing isn’t it? More serious than a pledge right? Has a vow ever been broken? Has one ever been disavowed?”

“Sure otherwise we wouldn’t need the term.”

“I’m not sure that’s true but I’m not going to be vowing anything anyway so it doesn’t matter. Thanks for representing me though.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m going home to work on Kingg.”

“Okay but by the way, what are those marks on your neck? Are those bruises?”

“Don’t be silly. What would I have to gain from having bruises on my neck? See you Monday Toom. And remember; it’s all about the Kingg!”

“Elvis Presley? That king?”

“No Conley, not the fucking king of rock and fucking roll.”

“Who then? The king of pop? Of all media?”

“No, the king of nothing, meaning not the king of anything. Kingg. Jalen Kingg. Of death row. My client.”

“I see.”

I turned, semi-waved, then walked away meaning the conversation was unequivocally over and I would not have to discuss anything odd or far-reaching. It meant I was alone, all the doors I passed closed but an incredibly open window somewhere excreting a plaintive whistle, walking but sensing that the air immediately behind me was being disturbed.

“Where you headed?” Conley confirmed. I turned to face him, looking him in the eye but feeling detached.

“Home to save Kingg,” I said.

“I’ll walk with you, where do you live?”

“Not sure,” I resumed walking. “You part of this committee I have to go before?”

“No, I hate anything committee-like. I believe strongly in tyranny and capricious rulings.”

“You know anything about it?”

“Just that Debi’s heading it and she’s determined to take you down.”

“Why?”

“No idea but it’s definitely personal.”

“What makes you say that?”

“What else could it be? Business? Aren’t those the only two choices?”

“Personal how though? What have I done to her?”

“Did you make her laugh?”

“What?”

“Did you make her laugh because she hates to laugh.”

“Don’t think so, but I have tried.”

“There you go.”

“No, that can’t be it.”

“Fine don’t benefit from my hard-earned wisdom.”

“When did Debi get all this juice anyway? Where the hell’s Tom?”

“Vacation.”

“When’s he coming back?”

“That’s classified.”

“Classified what?”

“What do you mean?”

“What’s it been classified, that’s what.”

“I miss your meaning.”

“Well you just said the information is classified, so classified what?

What classification has it been given?”

“No no no. Classified speaks for itself. It’s a res ipsa that loquiturs or I suppose more accurately a res that ipsa loquiturs . Bottom line is if something’s classified then no one can know it.”

“That’s silly. Someone has to know it otherwise how could the determination have been made that it should be classified? Aside from that, just saying that something has been classified without more is almost senseless or at least highly unhelpful. Now if you tell me that something has been classified top secret, for example, now you’ve told me something meaningful, namely that only those with clearance to disseminate top secret material can be provided the information. Is that what you’re telling me? That the date of Tom’s return has been classified top secret?”

“That’s classified as well.”

“Never mind.”

“Besides, what are you worried about that toothless committee for? What are they going to do to you regardless of Debi’s designs? Fire probably the best young attorney to come through here since me? The only part of your body you have to worry about is your wrist because that’s what’s going to get slapped. On the other wrist, what you should be concerned about is Cymbeline, since by all accounts her animus towards you is both personal and business and that’s the worst kind.”

“How’s it business?”

“How? You do know Cymbeline’s the administrative judge don’t you?”

“Of course, everybody knows that. But how does that make it business?”

“Poor Casi, don’t you know this thing stretches all the way to Albany?”

“Albany? Stretches? What are you talking about?”