Anna Kavan - Guilty

‘I’m glad you react in such a positive way,’ he said, evidently gratified by my enthusiasm, ‘though I shan’t hold you to the bargain if, after you’ve been in town a few days, you come across something better.’

Needless to say, nothing better did turn up during the week or so Spector wished me to take as a holiday and to ‘get my bearings’; a period of enforced leisure I’d have much preferred to forgo. This wasn’t my first visit to the city; I’d already been here several times in the holidays and knew my way about. But I’d never been so much alone here as I was now, Spector being busy with his mysterious exacting affairs, leaving me to my own devices.

My impressions were confused and rather unfavourable. The work of building and demolition going on all around was too noisy for my country-bred ears. By day the incessant hammering was more insistent than the noise of the traffic; and at night it kept me awake, till I got used to it, and to the great livid floodlights in which tiny insect-like figures swarmed and scurried about or appeared solitary and outlined against the night sky, incredibly manipulating some mammoth machine.

Not knowing what to do with myself, I passed much of the time aimlessly wandering about, waiting for evening, when I might or might not see Spector again. He was the only person I spoke to, apart from the staff of the hotel at which he’d installed me; for, though I’d been to see several people I’d known at school, nothing had come of these visits and I didn’t repeat them, feeling at a disadvantage without the established family backgrounds and safe futures my schoolfriends enjoyed. They, I’m sure, were puzzled by my different circumstances, unable to understand how a fellow ‘old boy’ came to be in such a position that he couldn’t even return their hospitality — for I had neither the necessary assurance nor the money to invite them to the hotel. Too late, I realized I should have kept away till I was firmly established with a flat and a job of my own; till then they’d inevitably look upon me as potentially dangerous and likely to ask favours, identifying me with all that was alien to them and outside their way of life.

Seeing them so obviously sure of themselves, and of their world, I couldn’t help envying, though I despised myself for it, the security they took for granted and the assurance I only tried feebly to imitate. Inaction became intolerable; I couldn’t wait to start work and in my impatience prevailed upon Spector to let me curtail my holiday and begin at once. Before consenting, he repeated his warning that I would probably find the work dull and unworthy of my capabilities. Was I sure I had given the matter enough thought?

In fact, I’d hardly thought about it at all, taking it to be settled, as though it were impossible even to consider another job. Yet I’ve no doubt I could, at that time of depleted manpower, have obtained a post quite easily for myself, on the strength of my educational background alone, and it strikes me as strange now that I never made the slightest effort to do so during those long days of boredom, if only to pass the time that hung so heavily on my hands. Partly, I suppose, it was due to my diffidence, as I had no idea how to go about it and didn’t like to ask. But I think it was even more the result of my dependence upon the man who had dominated me as long as I could remember, frightening and fascinating me by the two sides of his nature. That he had withdrawn himself from me to a great extent lately in no way lessened his power over me, an inscrutable influence from which I had no wish to escape. On the contrary, feeling insecure and alone in the world, and hurt because he hadn’t identified himself with me more closely when my parents were killed, I was desperately anxious to attach myself to him now at all costs. His offer of employment suggested, to my wishful way of thinking, an advance on his part, and I hoped an improvement in our relations would follow. Even at this age, I must have been a good deal like a lost friendly pup, coming up again and again, tail wagging, longing to become the master’s devoted slave, blind to the fact that it isn’t wanted. Such an attitude was understandable, perhaps, just now, when I was particularly alone, starting a new life, in circumstances that seemed strange and unsympathetic. Everything would come right, I thought; I’d be able to settle down contentedly once I was working for him.

I imagined I would see more of him, and this gratified me as much as the chance to prove my loyalty, for I still derived the same pleasure from his proximity as when I was a child. I was so much under his spell again that if he’d set me to scrubbing floors I believe I would have been happy to do so. At all events, I was more than satisfied to find myself one of several junior clerks in an office in the tall building in which I was to live, which belonged to him, like the business.

As for the flat, I was delighted with this, my first home of my own, consisting of two attic rooms and the usual ‘offices’. Not only was it a perfectly adequate bachelor apartment but it had a certain character, even charm, owing to the odd slope of the walls and ceilings and the wonderful views from all the windows. Spector had installed only the minimum of furniture, leaving me to add such decorative touches as I fancied and could afford. But all essentials were there, and the rather austere effect of the bareness pleased me. With no distractions inside, the eye was drawn at once to the view framed by each window, which was given a certain unreal romanticism by the height of the building, all that was shocking and ugly invisible now, the ruins dignified as relics of antiquity. Best of all, a door had been fitted at the top of the stairs, shutting off my domain from the storerooms and offices of the lower floors. Once this door was shut I was alone in my kingdom and, separated by six flights of stairs from the busy street life below, could sit and dream peacefully at the window, withdrawn from everything but the passing clouds and the pigeons strutting along the ledge.

My work, as I’d been warned, was uninspiring and easy; but the novelty of it and my own conscientiousness made this unimportant. I was proud of my new status as a wage earner; only disappointed to find I was not, after all, to be directly in contact with Spector. However, he came along to introduce me to the manager, assured me of his continued personal interest and promised to visit me as often as possible; and with this I had to be content.

Again I was impressed, as I had been at the hotel, by the extreme respect everyone showed him, which strengthened my conviction that he must be a very important person indeed, holding some influential position over and above the controlling interest in this and various other firms. Not to know what it was seemed too idiotic — incomprehensible really and barely credible, even to me. But I could not ask anyone about it, partly because my own feelings forbade it and partly because the attitude of my colleagues was unresponsive and aloof. This was a second grave disappointment to me. As much the youngest of them, fresh from school and utterly inexperienced, I’d expected to receive at least tolerant treatment, for I’m certain I gave no trouble to anyone, being industrious and most willing and never needing to be told anything twice. Indeed, the work was so elementary that I picked up all I needed to know in the first few days and thereafter saved the rest of them considerable labour by taking over much that they ought to have done.

But, though I was always polite and obliging, they showed an unfriendliness I could only attribute to the interest Spector had showed in me, assuming that they were jealous. The only other explanation I could think of was one I always tried not to contemplate: the old theory that something ‘different’ and unlikeable about me would always prevent me from having friends. But the recurrence of this childish pattern was disturbingly obvious in the conduct of those around me, who took advantage of my industry and good nature while indicating that they despised me for these qualities.