William Vollmann - The Royal Family

Maybe kiss John and Henry, laughed Mrs. Tyler, but since they’re only interested in working…

Irene smiled, rubbing her eyes.

On that second night, Dan Smooth was at the Torch Club, too. It seemed that one couldn’t get away from Dan Smooth.

Buy you a beer, boy? said the pervert.

You must be feeling flush, said Tyler. Sure, go ahead. I’ve made about two hundred dollars in the last month and a half.

I bet you were just reading about the economic recovery and feeling envious because you knew it didn’t include you. Isn’t that how it was, Henry? Isn’t it?

Come to think of it, Dan, how about if I buy my own beer? And after I pay for it, you can stay here and I’ll go to the Flame Club.

I think he likes me! Smooth stage-whispered to the bartender, who shrugged.

Tyler drank his beer steadily, looking away.

Sunflower woke up, said Smooth.

And then went back to sleep for good, huh?

She wanted it, Hank.

I get it. I don’t know if I agree with it but I get it.

And did you see the Queen again, or didn’t you see the Queen?

Yeah, I saw her. She waved one finger to me.

That means she likes you.

Everybody likes me, Dan, even you. I have so many friends, I keep trying to make enemies.

You know what, Hank?

I prefer to be called Henry, not Hank.

You don’t like me, do you, Henry? Smooth was saying in his wearisome way. Did you know that you just misquoted the old proverb.

I like you fine as long as we stick to business. But we don’t have any business right now, which is why I’m going to the Flame Club.

See you there, said Smooth, rising as if to accompany him.

Tyler sat down, narrowing his eyes. — I never had my very own stalker before, he muttered.

So how can we make your sister-in-law into business? asked Smooth with a cruel smile. I helped you out, you see, and so now I get to sock you in the balls — metaphorically, of course. Did your sister-in-law’s cunt turn you on? Did it have that kind of mohawk pattern of little black hairs that so many Asian women’s cunts have? You know how they shave — well, the whores, anyway. They worry about bikini lines in Asia. Now, me, I’ve always thought that bikini lines have their charm — as zones, you know. I like to see those little black hairs peeking out. It happens sometimes, and it’s even sweeter when the woman’s not aware of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, said Tyler. Your filth gets pretty boring after a while.

Fine. Did you fuck her or not?

Maybe I’ll just go home. If you park in our driveway, that’s trespassing, but if you want to sit in your car and watch the house from across the street, there’s not much I can do. But I’m going to pull the blinds down. You won’t be able to see anything.

Henry, answer the nice man. Did you do your sister-in-law or not?

How many little kids have you popped, Smooth?

It’s childish, you see, to answer a question with a question. And just because you’ve met the Queen twice doesn’t mean she trusts you. I could put in a bad word about you if I felt like it…

And so what if you did? What do I care if the Queen trusts me or not?

You tell me, Henry. But if I want to get you, I’ll get you.

Is that a threat, Dan? I know how to deal with people who threaten me.

Now things are going ugly, Henry, and I don’t want that. I never dreamed of offering you physical violence. But you keep going out of your way to hurt my feelings. Put yourself in my place, Henry. Ask yourself how you’d be feeling.

Aw, he’s going to take his bat and ball and go home. Hey, I did some homework on you, Smooth. I heard about how you raped your own niece a few years back. Now I know why they call you Dan Smooth. At least you don’t use sandpaper. Do you use petroleum jelly when you break ’em in? People like you should be stood up against a wall. You’re a loser, Smooth, a sick, half-wit pervert. Oh, I admit that I’m a loser, too. The crazy whore was right. That shithead Brady was a loser. All I do is hang out with losers.

That’s my little optimist. (Bartender, one more round each, please. Here’s four dollars.) Does it get you hard to deprecate yourself? Does it, Henry? Does it?

Tyler rubbed his grey forehead, turning away. — Thanks for the beer, but I think you and I are through now, Smooth. I know that I owe you a favor. Anytime you want to call it in, call it in. But isn’t it kind of a waste to call it in just by making me listen to you flap your stupid ugly mouth?

Maybe we could be friends, said the older man with a sudden pleading look. I told you I saw that Mark of Cain on your forehead right away, that loser’s mark. You saw it on me. And right now the Queen’s brought us together, but she’s not going to be around forever. You don’t know yet what happens to the Queen.

Tyler leaned on one elbow on the bar. — So that’s what you want, huh? he said with a sour grin. You really want me to be your buddy? For how long? What’s the minimum time I can get away with? And do I have to start this very evening, or do you take rain checks?

Yes, Henry, I know you hang around prostitutes. But you’re not really one of them. When you pretend to be, you just act like a barbarian.

I guess that’s what keeps getting in the way of any possible friendship, Tyler said. You keep condescendingly defining my life, and you also enjoy irritating me by slashing at my privacy. And that pisses me off.

I think you’re implying that I should be more sincere. Well, Henry, maybe I’m sincere, but I just adopt a frivolous tone to protect myself.

Like when you talk about eating kids’ earwax.

Oh, I’ve done it, Henry. You can trust me there.

Yeah, all right. And this morning I took a crap, but I don’t have to go around telling other people about it.

Why not, Henry? I’d love to hear.

As long as we’re being sincere, I guess I believe that that’s true, and it kind of bothers me that it is.

Why does it bother you? You’ve never done anything to bother people?

I couldn’t say that, said Tyler with an almost jeering laugh.

Well then.

But if I do something that I don’t think other people will like, I keep it to myself.

If you needed to deal with me for business you could deal with me?

Sure.

And you have dealt with me. So that proves that you can deal with me, fellow Canaanite. You remember what happened to the Canaanites, don’t you?

Let’s see, said Tyler. Yeah. Yeah, I remember now. The Chosen People exterminated them all, or something like that. Moses got the word. No, they must not have exterminated them all, or there wouldn’t be all those car bombs in the Middle East.

You might be surprised, said Smooth, but I study the Bible a good deal.

No, I’m not surprised.

I know the Bible fairly well. Not just the New Testament, but the Old Testament, too, the real stuff, where God doesn’t hide His naked cruelty behind His Son. Do you believe in the Bible as literal prophecy?

Why, no, Dan, I don’t.

That’s good. I’m glad you’re not a fanatic, Henry. Well, the Queen is quite the little believer. It’s one of her sweetest qualities. (I could talk about the Queen endlessly, by the way.) Maybe that’s why I want to be your friend. I love to talk about my Queen, but I’m supposed to keep her secret, so you’re the only one.

Tyler waited.

I picked up my habit of Bible study from her, the older man continued. She’s a Canaanite, too, you know — did I tell you that? Sometimes I repeat myself. And she’s a witch like the Canaanites were — Baal, Moloch, you name it, she prays to it. I guess that’s why she knows so much about the future. I can see from your expression that you’re just being polite and you don’t really give a rat’s ass about that stuff. Well, that’s fine. But you did come on to me, and you came on to the Queen, and so I suppose you want to study us as if we’re bugs — or study her, at least. Read your Bible, Henry. That’s the best way to know the Queen. That’ll make her happy. And you don’t have to take any of it literally if you don’t want to. Now, as for us Canaanites, well, from our Queen we know that the Chosen People are coming to wipe us out. We may have a few car bombs ready, but I’m sorry to say that eventually they will wipe us out, because we’re the losers. Call it an analogy if you want.