Lynne Tillman - Cast in Doubt

It is astonishing — appalling — to me that I could have written such nonsense. What was I thinking about? Still, I like the coincidence of its appearance, as its theme, about what can be controlled, aligns with my present contemplations. But I must cease contemplating, if that is what I may name these idlings, and get started. As usual I am temporizing. May I permit myself, with good humor, of course, an allusion to Hamlet?

I have to tell Yannis what I intend to do and why I am venturing off. He will never understand. Should I ask him to accompany me? How can I explain my trip to him? I think I should ask him to come. He can say no, but at least he’ll have been invited. I haven’t been attentive to him lately and that is wrong. Last night he sat nearby, in his usual position, but seemed more aggrieved than ever. Roger and he cast each other the occasional furious glance. I don’t want to hurt Yannis. But in truth, I don’t want him with me. I need to be alone. It is something I must do by myself.

I get out of bed and move around the room in a flurry of impotent activity. I am confused. I am enormously excited and anxious. I feel happy. Eager and expectant, like a young bride, I am about to go where I’ve never traveled before, and truly it seems like an adventure of the sort a young person might embark upon. This may seem silly but, for an instant, as I prance about the room, I remind myself of Alastair Sim playing Scrooge in A Christmas Carol . The Scrooge who has renounced his mean ways. I feel alive in a way I haven’t in years, even more filled with vitality than I was when I went to Helen’s house the other day. Was it just the other day?

There are things to do. I have a mission. I march to my desk to make a list. Food, clothes, money, the necessities, I write these words down with a flourish, with determination. And as if doing automatic writing a sentence occurs to me, and I write it as well, for it may come in handy for Stan Green, if not for me: Curiosity and fear are partners in crime.

And then yet another thought rushes in, as if to fill the space vacated by the previous thought, which, once written down, can be forgotten. But this set of words is more complicated and not merely a decent or provocative sentence. Why it comes to me, I don’t know. Gwen may have told me it: In 1896, when dyslexia was discovered, the disease was called word blindness.

I write word blindness in capital letters. It seems to have something to do with my peculiar dream, whose oblique effects have not completely left me. Household Gods is to be in four parts, and I could not read some of the words in the dream. I may be suffering from word blindness. If one is dyslexic, one has difficulty reading, because one flips letters upside down or reads backward, and so on. Perhaps my book is back to front. Perhaps the last comes first. More generally, of course, it could mean that I am not seeing something I ought to see. Some speak of spiritual blindness, I could be afflicted with word blindness. Didn’t I emit the words, My word! My word! to Roger when he came up to Gwen and me? How does that fit? The dream was definitely ominous. Perhaps I oughtn’t drive to the south. Practically speaking, what if I can’t read the road signs? I add to my list: sunglasses! At least my humor is intact.

Gwen’s won’t be. Gwen will actively dislike my cause. She will have thought she had talked me out of going to find Helen. Helen Wheels, Gwen dubbed her — hell on wheels. She insisted, adamantly, that Helen wouldn’t have hitched a ride on a donkey with a Gypsy woman, but, like any punkette, would have driven to the caves or wherever in a fast car. Gwen has no faith in Helen. She is probably jealous of my regard for her. I can certainly understand that. I am jealous of her regard for others — even the sick rock-and-roll musician. But I’d never admit it to her. I have much too much pride. We are, both of us, in some strange way, under each other’s skins, and luckily we are not in any conventional sense in love with each other.

Yannis will take the news badly too, but unlike Gwen, he will mope. Gwen will pull her small self up, let fly a few caustic comments, and in my absence read a book or two. She will continue to dabble in John and Alicia. But to what extent is Alicia involved? If she is. That was not clear at all.

The leather weekender I haven’t used in years is a familiar and long-lost friend. A sight for sore eyes. I’ve had it since college. I’d never throw it away. I’m not sure how long I will be away, perhaps a week, and I toss into it a number of shirts, two pairs of trousers, socks, and so on. I briskly collect my toiletries and another bag, in which to carry books and notepads. But which books to take? I race to my shelves and grab a few travel books — as well as a map of Crete. But I’ll need to go to the tourist bureau. I throw in Miller’s The Colossus of Maroussi , Stein’s Writings and Lectures 1909–1945 , and The Selected Writings of Sydney Smith , an early nineteenth-century favorite of mine, and of Roger’s, too, unfortunately. Credit where credit is due — Roger has a few good points.

I dress hurriedly, sip my cold coffee, bite into a roll, then leave my apartment. At the desk downstairs, I grab the mail, glance cursorily at it, tell Nectaria that I will be leaving for a week, watch her expression turn sour, or a trifle grave, and walk to the harbor where, as ever, its beauty overwhelms me. The simple life that I love. Yet I know that that simple life is not simple. I merely love the illusion of simplicity that it provides me, which is the paradox.

Many of the stalls at the market are shut or closing. It is late in the day. I rush to purchase bread, crackers, hard cheese, apples, olives and several bottles of water. The elderly Greek men, with their leathery and weather-beaten hands and faces, are unperturbed by the likes of me, moving here and there. Life for them goes on, characterized by its regularity and lack of interruption. Their games of tavoli involve them and they are intent upon moving their tiles around the board. It is strange to think now, but I often do, precisely because of its incongruousness, that when they were very young, mere boys, they may have been sexual playmates, just the way the boys are now, and one of them may have been the girl.

I reach the tourist bureau just in time and gather up as many maps as I can. The woman behind the desk is phlegmatic but warms to me slowly as she sees with what excitement I am planning my trip. She offers me, gratis, a booklet on inns and hotels that I may need. I thank her profusely. The drive, if direct, is not a long one, but I want to scout towns along the way, along the coast road, and even go off the main road, to wander into the hills and dales. I want to see if I can chance upon Gypsy encampments. I want to spy upon their way of life, upon them. Helen could be anywhere, after all, though the map she left on the dresser is evidence of her intentions, at least her intended destination.

Now it is growing dark, and some of the breath of life ebbs from me. A sunny day is transformed into a gloomy one. I cannot help it; dusk sometimes makes me mournful. The bank is closed. It is too late to set off on my trip, but I do not want to eat at the restaurant tonight, and see everyone, and have to explain anything. A few drinks and I could tell all. As if chased by a flock of reporters, I hurry back to the hotel and find Nectaria. She will bring me a meal in my rooms. I am safe. Except that I must tell Gwen and Yannis. But where is Gwen? She is not in her room. No matter, I tell myself, I’ll write her a letter; that is easier, in any case. She must be with John, and Alicia. And Yannis too has disappeared again. I am alone in my room. Happily, alone.

I take my place at the large open window and watch the sky change subtly, imperceptibly. It is night’s magic. Nectaria brings in my dinner and I thank her. The wine is blissfully cold, the moussaka, hearty. I am content once more.