Nikanor Teratologen - Assisted Living - A Novel

For myself, I was convinced that Grandpa was jockeying for membership in that last group … the engineidlers … it was pretty hard to remember everything he said … even though my memory’s real good …

— There were shylocks, buncos, and hypocrites … vitiators, vilifiers, and backsliders … cobblers, barghests, and dildomakers … pickpockets, dogooders, and castlestormers … firebrands, troglodytes, and manhandlers … neerdowells, have-nots, and hitmen … megastars, metalogicians, and abhumanists … linelickers, spurt-phantoms, and gymjunkies … lepers, elephantmen, and kuru-carriers … hydrophobicgeezers, bubonicplaguespreaders, and all sorts of cancers … There were nazis, sadists, and satanists … demiurges, vulcanists, and consulates … ophites, carpocratians, and paternines … Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven … Brahms, Händel, and Bruckner … Russians, Huns, and Turks … Helusians, Oxioners, and Finlanders … bushcrickets, shelljumpers, and auctioneers … pitworkers, bloodletters, and misanthropes … trendsetters, spoilsports, and livingfossils … princes of peace, masks of death, and objects of ridicule … sons-in-law, brothers-in-law, and miraclerabbis … There was Gobineau, Klages, and Evola … Ortega y Gasset, Jünger, and Pound … trailblazers, crackwhores, and bigtalkers … conjurers, foresters, and monsignors … matroses, monks, and miscreants … dockworkers, stevedores, and logjammers … torpedoes, duds, and moneygrubbers … captainsofindustry, electoralprinces, and royalpains … jugglers, inkslingers, and gladiators … loosecannons, cockmakers, and coppersmiths … friseurs, servitors, and masseurs … Rafael, Rembrandt, and Rops … Scorsese, Greenaway, and Kurosawa … rollingstones, bootleggers, and hobbyists … staggeringdrunks, flounderingfish, and eightysixedclerks … And many many more …

Grandpa took a fistful of snow to cool his burning mouth.

— Back then it was no big thing to be simple and chaste … or dull and brooding, if that’s how you wanted it …

— Must’ve been nice …

— Nothing doing … we trusted our luckystars … saw to ourselves … we were raciallypure and cleanshaven all over … we propagated with style and taste … slow and steady wins the race … We men knew how to enjoy each other … liked being together … there weren’t too many of us … five thousand at most …

Grandpa swallowed, he was having a hard time going on.

— But evil was brewing … something was coming … something that would destroy our world forever …

— Was it women?

— It was women! The inferior race! three openings! Snakeless crotches! … Darkness covered the land … troubling rumors reached us from the south, but no one believed them, at least not at first … They started down in Ume … something about longhaired creatures making land … spinning the heads of tried and true buttfuckers everywhere … of course, everyone thought the rumors were just cockandbull … balderdash … But as we were to find out, those stories held a terrible, grim reality …

His voice sunk even more.

— They spread like the plague … like gangrene … before long they’d reached the vicinity of Vindeln … between Trollberget and Häggnäs … they were sly … didn’t come up the coast via Bygdeå, Ånäset, and Lövånger … the shriekingbuggers there should’ve finished them off! But those inlandfüddies were too slow with the whip … we were used to having things our own way, no regular mealtimes … letting it all hang out … minding our own business … no curfews, no responsibilities … just whim and will and almighty nature … God in heaven, if only the coastguard had blown them out of the water! before it was too late … They spread to Pompej and Sirapsbacken … lamias and harpies had nothing on them … they got beneath our skin with gooeyeyedloveydoveyness … they made their way to Gorkuträsk … Lossmen … the picture was becoming clearer … stumpylegged, narrowshouldered, steatopygic monsters with repulsively swollen breasts … coldblooded and heartless as vipers … they’d swoon on command if they didn’t get their way … we tore at our hair! went about in a daze! pinched ourselves hard! How could respectable barbarians soil their cocks with that?!

Grandpa trembled with the effort his story was taking … The woods brooded over his dark saga, the eternal struggle between evil and good.

— One word, the foulest word there ever was, began to make the rounds: Cunt … they had cunts, people said, like little furry animals, smoother and softer than anuses, not as heathenishly narrow … All who tried it were sold … Amfooorrrtasss!!! That’s what it was, all right, the Wound, the gaping, bloody, festering sore that wouldn’t close … They used cunts to take Norrland from us! Eyes full of bittersweet treachery, tongues agile as squirrels … Unlucky love walked among us, burning and pillaging … The bitter fate of Enkidu! They croaked in our arms, begging forgiveness for their desertion … The whores closed in on us, they were merciless … just snuck into our rooms at night and started gobbling … the vampires … coaxing ever-more perverted, bewitched cavaliers into their entourage … not to mention their wagonloads of brats! their knickknacks and householdparaphernalia! … They got off on cheapthrills and expensivegifts … had lowtastes and shrilltongues … daughters of Lilith and Circe … O Tertullian! o Juvenal! Jean de Meun! the godly Earl of Rochester! They made it to Fraukälen … Mensträsk … we prepared for the last battle … drugged ourselves with soma … They broke through our defenses … Gumboda! … Kankberg! … they rushed over us! We fought toothandnail, spit in deaths face … did all that was manly possible … raged in silence … we were like grandpa beasties protecting our young against devils and trolls! The best of us fell, bleeding from a thousand and one mortal wounds! we didn’t call retreat in time! better to be a stuckhog than a lapdog! There was a hundred of them for every one of us! they were like lemmings! Modern men with realjobs and soundminds! fawning, prudish, lecherous cunts! They kept on pushing and pushing, like they were floating logs! Vercellae and Camerone! Maldon and Roncevaux! Culloden and Liegnitz! Poltava and Stalingrad … We marched against them from the endless, godforsaken forests … We had axes, broadswords, and spears … we knew how to use them … The ground shuddered when it drank our Aryan blood … We fought like Teja, chanted laments like Gelimer! We fell with Aryanogrecocks pointing straight towards heaven, took twenty enemies for every one of us, but they just kept on coming … Animals came to our aid, but Mausers took them down … Giantbears, arcticwolves, sabertoothtigers, mutantrabbits … We protected our grandsons with all we had, no one would touch them while there was still breath in our lungs! They slaughtered us by the thousands! mutilations and outrages! bloodyshame and meatyshivers! they were sly as Phoenicians! horny as Etruscans! merciless as Israelites! They brainwashed wounded prisoners of war and little boys alike! Taught them to love pussy! and everything else that makes life a living hell! Work! Sobriety! God and church! Law and order! King and country! Offices and factories! Clerks and critics! Bureaucracies and marketeconomies! Majorities and institutions! Parliamentarism and massmedia! Intellectuals and popularopinion! Legibility and literacy! Slave mentality! Slave morality! Creditors! By God! If only they’d killed us! spared us the sight of warriors turning into pigs! Down and Piltdown! After the invasion of the caitiffs and shrews life became what it is now … predictable … mundane … soulless … where your only thanks is a fist in the gut and shame is your only reward … They killed fantasy, honor, and ecstasy … Grubbs and mildew took the cow pastures and crops … The Colorado beetle and the Spanish slug did it for the potatoes and other vegetables … They domesticated animals … began to slaughter them … A few of us got away … refused to be tamed … planned our revenge … the last splinters of a shattered nobility … Like Miltons demons … and I am Satan himself … Accusing mankind before God … We make our home in the hidden places … as close to death as possible … outside of reality … the beastmen of deserted farmhouses … backwater marauders … hoochplied wolfhounds … depopulation’s wackjobs … Our time has come … let the battle cry sound … the lycanthropic revolt can begin …