Nikanor Teratologen - Assisted Living - A Novel

— See you later, alligator …

— Thanks for the coffee, Myrtle!

When we reached the mailbox, I turned around. I wiped the snuffwad off my forehead. They’d climbed onto back of the couch and were staring after us. The Adventcandle cast a dismal sheen.

I could’ve sworn they transformed right then and there. Hairy … pointed ears … red eyes, sharp teeth … Fell … We stole an Ockelbo snowmobile and drove home, even though it was only September. When he’d locked up behind us, Grandpa said in a choked voice:

— You know what I find really appalling, boy?

— No …

— That I have to deny all my doubt and worry … always be funny and drunk and dangerous and horny …

We went to bed with our clothes still on. In the middle of the night, we woke up and made love. It was soft and sweet. I didn’t tell Grandpa what had happened. The next evening the braintrust was meeting at Ove and Siv’s. We wanted to come up with a way to destroy the universe.

__________

Kaltenbrunner — Ernst: Austrian SS officer

vicuña — camelid found in the South American Andes

Torgeir Håvarsson — one of two main characters from the Icelandic Saga of the Sworn Brothers

“Plura”—Per Malte Lennart “Plura” Johnson: Swedish singer, songwriter and author

Thåström — Joakim: Swedish rock star

Harri Tularemi — tularemia is a zoonotic disease also known as “rabbit fever”

Afzelius — Björn: Swedish singer and songwriter

Lundéll — Gerhard: Swedish singer, songwriter and author

Kiimainen — lecherous Muostalainen — dark person

Chimbu handshake — gripping each other’s private parts in greeting (on Papua Nyou Guinea)

Aloysius Gonzaga and Johannes Berchmanns — terribly chaste, mortification-seeking, beatified Jesuits who died young

Selivanov — Scoptsy leader, advocated cutting or burning off one’s penis

— Keep Sweden weird! Ninety-nine out of a hundred drivebys are committed by immigrants! Two thirds of all fatties are foreigners! More than half are over sixty quadratmeters! They cost us more than all unstandard emissions put together! No matter how I add it up, it doesn’t add up! It’s not right! Satan’s hellfire, I’ve never been a weight around anyone’s neck! That ought to be worth something! I can’t allow more of them in now! It won’t work! not all at once! They’ll overrun everything! Both small and large! Everyone, young and old, forced to slave away! Settle the debt! Mush, by God! Set your nose to the grindstone! Trample the ordinary pusher into the ground! Into the shit! That’s how the system works! So the fine gents can cruise down easystreet! So the wifey can have it cozy! It makes me frightened for myself just thinking about it! How can it go on! How can they take it lying down! The Kooperations behind it all! that’s who we have to thank! Thanks for nothing, fucks! Thank them and blame them! It’s their fault things are the way they are! They’re pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes! All for the sake of new members! all for the bottom line! Makes me dizzy just thinking about it! You keep at it until the fat lady sings! and what do you get in return! a mobilebingo doorprize! Every ten years! But my luck’s held out! compared with the least! the tonguetied! the heartburned! or the ra-ra-railroad workers! What’s become of them! Can you answer me that! They’re gone is what! Presto! Just like that! And why do you think that is! Immigrants, of course! All the oldfarts are dropping, too! like flies! You think they’d keep dying if the immigrants would stop coming! Are you stupid enough to believe that Sweden would actually lose the Melody Festival if we were rid of them! No more accidents! year ’round sunshine! sweetsweet air! fatter wallets! No more leaving the table hungry! no more impotence! incontinence! intelligence! no more! It eats at you that no one ever listens! Watch out! Otherwise it’ll just slip through your fingers! out onto the sand! Every damned word I say is true! It’s crystalclear, if you just stop to think a second! a nanosecond! Do you think children want to throw fits! Hell no! They’re just scared of the darkies! That’s why they’re crying! But seriously, and this isn’t bullshit: it’s the worst of it! it’s the whole fucking crane-dance! It’s their fault! They can’t undo what they’ve done! They can’t do any better! Their plots were successful! their sly, gutless intrigues! and here we sit! devils in green! you’re stuck! there’s no going back! neither a softtouch nor mouthfuck will help you now! you’re finished! adios! spassibal it’s nothing less than the Untergang des Anuslandes ! Just like Semmelweis predicted!

— Spengler, corrected Grandpa, winking at me with arioheroic irony.

— Yeahyeah, old hindufucker Oswald! Whatever: weeds and vermin! lice and mice! that’s what were dealing with! Whatdoyouthink! tell me if I’m wrong! were the ones saying foreigners shouldhave to draw the shortstraw! and yet here we are! just scrape and bow! curtsey and blow! with cap in hand and pants pulled down! Who fucking said it should be like that! I mean, the average, savage worker has never had it so bad! He doesn’t even get mustard for his hotdog! Higherwages and shorterhours, that’s the lie they’ve shoved down our throats! I spit on their taxreform! The only ones who’ll profit are the furriers! and the immigrants! Are you proud about having it bad, just because you’re Swedish! The devils! They sat down! made a pact! stole our jobs! and then our fucks! They give us crewcuts and then here comes the straightjacket! and freestylejazz! and rap! nonstop! da capo! You can’t hum along, when it’s reggae! calypso! whatthefuck! hiphop! voodoo! tutu! all meant to drive you bonkers!

Benny drew a deep breath, then sat lost in thought. Gasping and panting, totally exhausted. His fattyflesh was the same color as a Västerbottencheese. Peppered with the kind of acne that never matures. He looked like a lesser Bert Karlsson. His hair was white and thin and tassled. He had a nice paunch. His mommy sewed all his clothes. Grandpa whipped out a joint and lit it stylishly and recklessly.

— You must have diabetes, the way you’re going on.

— Or pepsilepsi, I threw out.

— Shut your mouth, mite, if you ever want to become a man. But Benny … if I may ask … what’s weighing on your heart? … what’s got your dander up?

— That’s easy! foreigners! they’re taking over! multiplying! being left in peace!

— You ever seen a live nigger?

— No, but they’re out there! I know it! I wasn’t born yesterday!

— Ah, you poor little punk, Grandpa playcoddled him, I sense you’re not being honest with old Grandpa … there’s something else going on … tell me what it is! Is it really so bad, my boy?

— I don’t know … I think it’s just the world … and everything in it … I mean, what will become of us … how will it be after that.;. there aren’t too many stories about that … I swear, if you didn’t have to grinandbearit, you’d always be cryingyoureyesout … I don’t know up from down … and I’m too afraid of heights to hang myself …

— Benny, my friend and lover … Yon know I respect you for your galliant fight on behalf of the pinkrace, but lately you’re just too much to take … So I’m going to loan you a couple of books, and then I don’t ever want to see you again …

— What do you mean?

— Offing yourself is the only way to come out on top … look at it as a necessary step in the evolutionary process … depopulationing … natures progress … Now this book, he said, fingering a worn text with bite marks on the spine, was written by Saddam Hussein’s Uncle Kairallah … it’s called Three Things God Never Should’ve Created: Persians, Jews, and Houseflies … The other, he said and held up a gleaming hospitalwhite book, explains how to commit suicide deftly and expertly … it was written by two Frogs, Gyjo and Le Boniek, I think they were called …