Gordon Lish - Collected Fictions

"Costume?" she said.

"Oh yes!" said the boy, shivering, veritably shivering, with exclamation.

"Your costume?" said the woman.

"Quite exactly that," said the boy. "For, you know, for the band," said the boy. "So would you?" said the boy.

"But of course," the woman said, touching certain of the implements still to be taken from the soiled damask spread all about them — implements or damask, the woman did not say to me which.

The boy went from the hall and, after an interlude longer than — it had seemed to her, or so claimed the woman — the period of this person's expulsion from her netherness, returned to it got up not as he had been but now in the manner of him who would do what he could, as ably as he could, to carry off the bearing of a certain adjunct to the brass section of an organization of souls who could be depended upon, while making music, to march.

"See?" the boy said.

"I see," the woman said.

"You like it?" the boy said, braid and brocade a rhyme thereinafter, the woman averred to me, to be forever grommeted to the far bronze bulkhead of her unappeasable mind.

"Yes indeedy," the woman said, for the first detecting, she said she believed, the wet performance of long, sluggish tongues slapped back into place in the slack, pink mouths they had unfurled themselves from.

Then the chewing.

She heard the dreadful chewing.

"It's lovely," she said. "It's your uniform," she said. "For when, for if, the band in town, the town band, plays," she said. "Oh, yes, I love it," the woman said she had said.

"I think I sort of knew it, Mother," the boy said. "I sort of think I knew you would, Mother," the boy said, now striking a pose for the woman, now concocting himself into the posture of one who would never rest until his horn had imagined its last, murderous note.

"That's it?" I said.

"That's what?" she said.

"The thing you wanted to have me hear," I said.

"He had," she said, "a hat."

I said, "Well, yes — but billed or furred?"

To which inquiry no reply was made to me that I could ever have made out, so loud was the cry, it must have been, for if not death, then — please, please! — for at least for silence.

SUPPOSE SOMEBODY DID TO YOU something like this to you. Suppose they made out their Last Will and so forth so it says they want for their wife, they want for her when she dies, to be laid to rest alongside of where they are, whereas they want for you, when you die, to be laid to rest over on the other side of her and not anywhere on the other side of him. So what is your opinion of this if this was your father? I would be interested to hear people's opinion of this if this was their father. What about it if somebody (your father) did something like this to you? Because the thing of it is, what would you do if they did? Would you go try to do anything about it? Because what I don't get is what could you do? Because suppose he died already and suppose then she did. Because then who would be left for you to go argue with? So if this was what happened to you, what would you go do about it, do you think? Would you go try to do something about it with the front-office people in charge of the cemetery? Would you go try to see if you could talk them out of it? But don't they probably have to go by the Last Will and so forth? They can't just forget it, can they? I don't think the people in charge of a cemetery can just say forget it as far as a Last Will and so forth goes. Because I'm positive they can't. So you know what I think? I think you just have to go along with it. I think you probably just have to. I think you either go along with it or go get yourself laid to rest someplace else. Like in a whole different cemetery, for instance. But like which cemetery? Which place? I never thought of any other place. I always thought of only this place. I always thought of where the whole family is — the aunts, the uncles, and you-know-who, for instance. So I don't know. I have to make up my mind. But how can I make up my mind if I don't know? Well, this is not the only question. There is another question on top of this question. Because my cousins keep writing to me as regards the tree. My cousins keep asking me what is my vote as regards the tree. They mean because of the shade. My cousins keep telling me pay attention because the tree is killing the grass because of the shade. But would you believe them if they told you? Why should you believe them just because they told you? They want you to take their word for it — but isn't it what people always do? Don't people always want you to take their word for it? Didn't I take his word for it? But look where it got me, taking his word for it. It got me her side, hers — whereas what's so wrong with his? What's the matter with me being on his? I'm not saying the tree's not killing the grass. I am just saying maybe it's just what they're saying. So how do I vote? Because it has to be a unanimous vote. The front-office people won't do anything about anything unless it is a unanimous vote. I could ask them themselves as far as the tree. But where's the guarantee? Do I have any guarantee? They could say it's killing the grass just to get rid of the question. Aren't they probably fed up with the question? And what if they're in cahoots with my cousins? Because I keep being of two minds as far as this. I keep being of two minds as regards everything. I need an eye-witness. But where am I going to get an eyewitness? You know what I am between? I am between the devil and the deep blue sea. In my mind, in my mind, I keep looking at these questions and keep seeing me being nothing but between the devil and the deep blue sea. Why is everybody taking advantage of me? People have to stop taking advantage of me. Everybody should be more on the up-and-up with me. There could be plenty of grass. There could be grass galore. So whose idea of it is it as regards how much of grass is not enough? My cousins probably have their reasons. Don't people have their reasons? There is such a thing as people having reasons. You know what else? Let me tell you what else. There are people who have it in for trees. There are people who have it in for people and then go get them confused with trees. There are people who go look at trees and then get them mixed up with people. Then they go around having it in for a tree. They can't help themselves. It's a thing in their minds. You can't blame them for it. It's not their fault. It's like a sickness. They don't even know what they are doing even. It is deep in their brain. They act like they've got something against a tree, but it is really something they've got against people. But it's all unbeknownst to them because of how deep it goes down in the brain. I used to be like this. I used to be just like this myself. It's a normal human thing. It couldn't be a more normal more human thing. You think there wasn't once a tree like this for me? I am not ashamed to say it. It does not make me ashamed for me to say it. It's one of the most normal of human things for people. It's just the way a tree can look. But since when is it normal for a Last Will and so forth? It's no joke of just nature, either. Because we had a street with places of business and some of them were like people to you, the businesses. I'm serious. You think places of business are places of business, but doctors will tell you. They don't want to tell you, but they can tell you. It's why I'm making a list of them. So we will see what we will see. Just don't hold me to anything. I am making no promises. Go look for somebody else if you are looking for somebody to go paint themselves into a corner for you. I don't want to get involved in any binding alliances. I am well aware of the stumbling blocks. Others have fallen to the wayside before me. But then you stop and think. You get back on track again. In your mind, in your mind, you get a picture of Central Avenue. You don't let them get under your skin. You take them in stride. Where would the human race be if everybody threw up their hands the instant there was something not taken in stride? Just listen to this, for instance — Bea's Tea Room, Rosalind Light, the Arida Shop, Bess Diloff, Miller's, Raeder's, Cascade Laundry, Ben's Associated, Simon's, Sakoff's, Dalsimer's, Jildor, W. R. Grant's, Ruth Hatch, Kate Hite, Trees, Postur-Line, Sisteen, Miss Specialty, the Central Theater, the bank, the bank, the Peninsula Bank. Go check on me if you want to go check on me. I don't care if you go check on me. I invite you to go check on me. I am extending you a written invitation for you to go check on me. You think I am making a mountain out of a molehill? Because I do not want for you to think I would not respect your opinion. As far as your opinion, let us not forget whose idea it was for me to ask you for it in the first place. Because it was my idea for me to ask you for it in the first place. So what is the verdict? You think I should just learn to live with it? Except what about what she once said to me once? Because how was I supposed to know anything about daffodils? I did not know anything about daffodils. Nobody had ever taken me aside and said to me anything about daffodils. It was a totally unbeknownst subject to me, daffodils. There was not one person who had ever given me any instruction along the lines of daffodils. Saying to a child who the fuck are you for you to go stand in my daffodils. For shame! You hear me? For shame! Whereas I thought all I was doing was just being under a tree. I thought look at me just being under this bad tree. Because this was the tree which looked like him to me, which looked like her to me, which looked like everybody to me. And she's screaming at me about daffodils. So I ask you, this is why I ask you, who can be laid to rest, how can anybody ever be laid to rest, you think I can ever be laid to rest — you or me or anyone anywhere — whichever side, on whoever's side! — and be ever even a little peaceful?