Ha Jin - A Map of Betrayal - A Novel

He then told her about his original family, about his wife and children in the countryside of Shandong, and about Bingwen’s assurance every time they met in Hong Kong. He said he couldn’t completely trust his handler and thought that their superiors might have instructed the man to tell him that his “backyard” was fully covered, so he would concentrate on his mission abroad. In recent years Gary had felt that Bingwen avoided mentioning his family and might have withheld information. If only he could contact Yufeng directly and find out the truth!

When he had finished speaking, Suzie asked, “Can I see what your twins look like? Do you have their photos?”

“I don’t have one now. I had one, but it would have been too dangerous to keep it around, so I left it in Hong Kong. They’re good kids and I miss them, although I’ve never seen them in the flesh or heard their voices. They know nothing about their daddy, I assume.”

At that, Suzie broke into sobs, her narrow shoulders convulsing while her face contorted. “Why did I meet you in the first place?” she groaned. “I must have owed you something in my previous life, or how could I let you torment me like this? What good will come of this wretched affair? I wish I could start my life over without you or could pluck you out of my heart!”

He kept silent, somewhat soothed by her ravings. She wasn’t thinking of abandoning him. He needed her. In this place she was the only friend he could rely on, and the revelation of his true identity, as he’d planned, would be a step toward another phase of their relationship. He reminded himself that from now on he’d have to accept whatever she might say or do to him. Let her blow off steam if she wanted to. She would become herself again. He trusted she loved him enough that she’d do her best to help him get in touch with his original family.

To Gary’s relief, thereafter Suzie stopped lashing out at him. Neither did she drop hints or suggestions again, as though she had finally accepted him for who he was, with the heavy baggage he carried. They continued to see each other once a week, and their affair grew more stable — every Thursday afternoon he would arrive at her apartment and would leave around midnight. She would inquire after Nellie and Lilian, as though she had also accepted them as part of her life. Before Christmas, Suzie bought the girl a pair of patent-leather boots, knee high and each with three brass buttons on the top of the side, which Lilian loved but dared not wear at home.

When Suzie went back to Taiwan for the Spring Festival in February 1975, Gary asked her to go to mainland China via Hong Kong and to see if she could find his family there. He told her that she wouldn’t have to speak at length with Yufeng or let her know who she was. Just take a look at their house and shoot a few photos of his family if possible, so that he could assess what their life was really like. Suzie promised to try her very best to look for them. But when she attempted to enter China from Hong Kong on the pretext that she wanted to see her bedridden uncle, she was stopped. Her name appeared on some kind of blacklist, probably because of her work at Voice of America. They rejected her application for a visa and told her that as a U.S. citizen she couldn’t enter China, because the two countries hadn’t formed a normal relationship yet and she’d have to get her papers from the States directly. No matter how she begged them, they wouldn’t let her pass.

Suzie came back to DC in early March, harried and tired. She described to Gary the difficulties she had encountered in Hong Kong, saying, “I even told them that my uncle is hospitalized and I wanted to see him before he died, but they wouldn’t relent, every one of them remained stone-faced. I felt as if I was bumping into an iron wall, and even if I had smashed my head into it, none of them would’ve given a damn. They were all like automatons. The next day I went to Bingwen Chu and asked him to help. He went berserk and blamed me for not notifying him beforehand. He said he couldn’t do anything either, because I was a U.S. citizen and was not allowed to enter China unless I’d already got a visa. He urged me not to try again.”

Gary became unsettled. “Did you tell him that you know about my family in Shandong?”

“Of course not. I only asked him to help me get through customs. I told him we were friends.”

“He might’ve guessed your intention.”

“Probably. I shouldn’t have gone to him.”

Gary regretted having given her Bingwen’s contact information (to use in case of emergency). That was clearly a mistake. He feared that their superiors might learn of Suzie’s attempt. Indeed, the following week he received a letter from his handler, who expressed his worries and insinuated that their higher-ups had been furious about Suzie’s effort to sneak into China. They believed Gary must have gone out of his mind; otherwise he wouldn’t have committed such a blunder, which might compromise his position at the CIA. They threatened to take disciplinary action against him if he continued to behave unprofessionally. That might imply they’d bust him down to colonel. “Please don’t let your friend run such a risk again!” Bingwen pleaded. “It would be too dangerous for everyone.”

The last sentence sent a shiver down Gary’s spine as he realized that Suzie might have run into danger if she had stayed longer in Hong Kong. To protect his identity, the Chinese might have had her eliminated. He wouldn’t let her get involved in this matter again, nor would he allow her to reenter Hong Kong. More than that, he gave up attempting to contact his original family.

THUS GARY’S LIFE RESUMED its old pattern. He was a man accustomed to loneliness and to the torment of qualms and could always keep a cool head. Had he let his guilt overcome him, he wouldn’t have been able to function in his daily life. He had to convince himself that China was looking after his family’s livelihood — everything was fine back home, and all he should do was focus on the mission here. As time went by, he again managed to put Yufeng and their children into a vault deep within him.

In his American home, life had grown peaceful. Rarely would he and Nellie raise their voices. His wife, though still embittered, stopped griping despite knowing that Gary saw Suzie regularly. Nellie even appreciated that he came home every night, given that their daughter was far away in Massachusetts. Indeed, over the years Gary had developed a greater attachment to Nellie. When she had been ill with gallstones three years before, he’d been so worried that he often skipped meals and lost sixteen pounds. Nowadays he often watched TV with her just as a way of keeping her company. For better or worse, this American woman had given him a child and a home, where she was the only person he could speak to if he had to say something. Deep inside, he was grateful, though he had never expressed this feeling to her.

Nellie wasn’t troubled by his remoteness anymore, revolving in her own little sphere of life. She enjoyed working at the bakery and by now had become an expert in cookies and cakes. She’d get up early in the morning to be at work before five to start baking. When the store opened at seven, she’d take a breather and return home to make breakfast for Gary — she would cook poached eggs, or French toast with an omelet, or pancakes, or even a frittata. The two of them would eat together. During the day she kept flexible hours and spent a lot of time alone in the bakery’s kitchen preparing the next batch of offerings. She would measure flour, sugar, and milk, knead bread, roll out piecrusts, blend in butter or grated cheese or sour cream if needed, and add chocolate chips or raisins or nuts to cookie dough. The bakery was less than half a mile from her home, so she felt comfortable about the work schedule and the walk back and forth, which she took as exercise. If she was pressed for time or the weather was foul, she’d drive. She had her own car, a burgundy Chevrolet coupe.