Anna Kavan: Let Me Alone

Everything she met with in her reading James would discuss with her — when he was in the mood — freely, as with an equal. Her mind developed rapidly. But some innate youthful dignity combined with her isolation to save her from the monkeyish sharpness, the horrible sharp knowingness of the precocious child. Only a seriousness was added to her manner, a rather unnatural gravity, like a secret weight. And her eyes had a sort of inward look, unwavering, as though a little veil hung there.

In the main, she was contented with her isolation. But occasionally a restlessness would come upon her, a longing for the presence of other children, a sort of subconscious craving for normality. Then she would set off by tracks and gulleys that she knew, to join the peasant boys and girls at a mountain farm two miles away.

Not that she liked being with them when she got there. They were uncouth and noisy and stupid, and she soon tired of their clumsy, quarrelsome games. But the restlessness seemed to drive her to them in spite of herself.

She was aware that her father disapproved of these visits, although he had not forbidden them; there were no absolute vetoes in Anna’s life. Still, his disapproval made itself felt, and troubled her.

One day James met her as she was returning, rather limp after the long climb, with a curious foiled look on her childish face. She could not understand the impulse, the restless ache, that drove her to those rough companions and sent her back again, still unsatisfied.

‘You have been to the farm?’ said James, in his still, dead voice.

Anna admitted it. She knew that he disapproved, but she was too tired to make excuses. Her small brown hands hung loose at her sides, the fingers curving inwards with an unconscious air of pathos and weariness.

Her father did not rebuke her.

‘Come with me,’ he said.

He moved in front of her like a shadow, but a shadow that has achieved a certain solidity, the sun gleaming on his smooth grey hair. There was a shadow-smoothness of movement in his limbs.

They came to an old shed, some distance from the house, where the goats were kept in winter. An orange tree grew at one side, bearing a few greenish oranges that no one ever troubled to pick. Hens were scratching in the dusty shade of the tree.

‘Stand over there,’ James said to her, pointing to the wooden door of the shed.

She went wonderingly, and stood there facing him, touching the rough, splintery boards with her hands, feeling the warmth of the wood that had been in the sun all day. The sun was low now, shining yellowish towards the sunset. The vines were tufted with new leaves that caught the slanting light and stood out burningly, row after row, fistfuls of small, green, vivid flames against the dusky earth. The mountains showed a haze of fresh greenery among the rocks.

Anna saw that her father had a revolver in his hand. His face against the light had gone dark and strange as he looked at her.

‘Keep very still,’ he said. ‘You will be all right as long as you keep still.’

Anna stood against the door of the shed, transfixed. She did not know what was going to happen.

‘Keep still,’ she heard him say again, in such quietude that it was almost a whisper, from a little way off.

Then, suddenly, the sharp crack of a shot.

She started violently as the sharp hiss rushed past her and she felt the wind of it on her face. Her heart leapt in terror. Unable to scream or move, she waited as if struck motionless with dread.

James Forrester was standing away from her, beyond the orange tree, Behind him, the frightened chickens were scuttling off in noisy, ungainly haste. On his face was a strange expression, a look of concentration that seemed to cover something else, something almost superhuman, a pure, quiet, inhuman attentiveness. She could not know it, but he was thinking: ‘If I should make a mistake now? If she should move? If I should shoot her dead? It would be an accident.’ With more than half his mind he was hoping for that accident. But not whole-heartedly. He was not quite sure of himself.

Again the sharp smack of a shot, not very loud. Little splinters of wood flew up and touched her hair. Anna was almost paralysed with terror. Yet some part of her was resigned and even proud. She didn’t mind what her father did to her; as long as it was his will she didn’t mind what happened, fundamentally. She had such faith in him.

Crack! went the revolver again, deliberately, like a dog barking.

James was standing quietly beyond the orange tree. Against the sun his body looked very dark, rising from the dark pool of shadow from the tree. She watched him lift his revolver, carefully, deliberately, before each shot snapped at her, sinking fangs of pure terror into her heart. She pressed her fingers tight against the palms of her hands, as she stood.

Finally there was silence. The hand holding the revolver was lowered, and it did not come up again. James, with his feet in the shadow, did not stir, but stood looking at Anna.

At length, however, he moved. With the revolver in his hand he came forward and touched her, moving her away from the door. She sighed, wondering if it was all over.

‘Look at your silhouette,’ he said, smiling at her very faintly.

She looked round, and saw on the wooden door of the shed an outline of little splintery holes, the outline of her body.

She stood in the sunset, facing the outline on the door, while her father walked away. The luxurious yellow light was flooding everywhere, the mountains had a rich, uncanny gilding. She was trembling. After a time she began to walk slowly to the house, half-stunned, hearing still the frightening, sharp smack of the bullets in her ears. She did not know if the shooting had been intended as a punishment.

As Anna outgrew the clothes which Miss Wilson had made for her, they had been replaced by boy’s garments from Paralba. Boy’s clothes were more durable than girl’s and easier to obtain: and Anna herself preferred them. She wore the short trousers, in summer the cotton shirt, in winter the heavy woollen sweater, of the peasant lads; her long brown legs, very thin and brown and strong, always bare, and on her feet the espadrilles, the coloured canvas sandals bound above the ankles with criss-crossing tapes, that all the peasants wore. Her hair, thick and brown and straight, at some times was cropped short to her head, at others fell almost to her shoulders like that of a mediæval page; according to the length of time that had passed since her last visit to Paralba and to the barber. Her skin had the warm, rich, yellow-creamy colouring of a naturally pale skin that has been evenly sun-tanned.

With her straight, strong, slender limbs she was really handsome. And her shapely face, framed by its smooth line of brown hair, was sometimes beautiful. But closed, with a curious adult hardness mocking the childish features. She was in the first soft flush of youth: yet there was no trace of softness in her face. It was reserved. Even in her eyes the small veils seemed to hang, like curtains drawn before the windows of a house, behind which the owner goes secretly about his private business.

This was Anna-Marie at twelve years old, when Lauretta, moved by some tardy recrudescence of conscience, or some accident of propinquity, came once more to Mascarat to visit her niece.

James went up into the mountains and left Anna to receive the visitor alone. He had no patience with Lauretta. Anna waited with some curiosity. She could hardly remember her aunt. But there was animosity in her mind as well. She rather resented the visit and its savour of patronage.

Six years seemed to have made Lauretta daintier and younger than ever. Up she came to the rough old house, fluttering along with fragile, butterfly-prettiness, dressed in flowery blue silk, and somewhat artificial in her sophisticated girlishness. She made Anna look amazingly straight and masculine and serious, and somehow a little absurd.