Lola Smirnova - Twisted

‘What are you doing? Her sister will come back soon! Are you crazy?’ Serega exclaims as he walks in. He knows what is about to happen.

‘Tell him… tell him to stop!’ I shout now at Serega, while trying to fight with his friend. But as he approaches us he grabs my hands and pulls them down to the desk.

‘Let’s do it quickly…’ I hear, and still cannot believe that it is happening to me…

Pasha closes my mouth with his sweating hand, rips my underwear, then falls on and forcefully penetrates me. I look up with a stare full of pain and pleading, hoping that Serega will take pity on me and stop this nightmare. But it is Alexandra now, who with her animal smile is firmly holding my hands and repeating her sugary ‘You really enjoy this, Victoria, right? You really do?’

A stronger wave of pain and terror suffocates me… the greater the horror in my eyes, the more Pasha gets excited… all of a sudden my whole world narrows down to drops of sweat that are falling from his chin onto my cheeks… one after another, echoing his rhythmical, aching strikes… one after another…

‘Wake up… wake up… your sister is here.’

I jerk, trying to understand where I am and what is going on. The dream was so real that I am actually surprised that I am not in my room in Kherson. I’ve had nightmares about it once in a while, but they’d never been so detailed and close to what had happened to me as this one.

‘Jul, oh my God! What happened to you?’ I hear the voice that’s almost crying, and it takes me a few seconds to recognise it.

It’s Natalia!

I get up and walk to the bars.

‘Nata… Nata… how did you find me?’ I start crying as I see the pity and horror in her eyes. I know she is shocked to see me like this. I stretch my arms through the bars and hug her. ‘Oh, Nata, you were so right… it’s all my fault…’

She hugs me back, very firmly. ‘Don’t cry, my baby sister… everything is going to be fine… we are going home.’

Her sobs make her voice quiver.

THREE MONTHS LATER…

‘Jul? I am busy here with a client. Can you please write down the appointment for this lovely lady?’ Natalia is shouting from the men’s part of the hair salon.

‘With pleasure,’ I reply with my welcoming smile to the ‘lovely lady’ as I walk in.

I’ve been working in my sisters’ salon for two months. Natalia has done some short hairdresser’s courses, and now does some of the easier cuts if the three hairstylists who work for them are busy or have a day off.

Lena has learned how to do acrylic and gel nails. It was our mother’s idea to expand our services, and since my middle sister set up a table in the women’s part of the salon, business has picked up even more.

I’ve always found touching people’s hair freaky, so I deal with supplies and the clients at reception.

I’ve been clean for three months. As soon as Natalia had got me out of my fucked-up situation she insisted on me going to rehab. I agreed. ‘We both know you need it, Jul. It’s really difficult to do it on your own. You will have to get proper help if you want to stop,’ she told me on the way home from Istanbul. ‘Besides, Jul, you look like shit and you don’t want mom and papa to see you like this. I found a good rehab a hundred kilometers away from Kherson. Let me take you there.’

I just nodded and we went there straight from the airport. It was not easy, but in the end I came out of that place brainwashed and ready to start a new drug- and alcohol-free life. Now and then I still have my mellow moods and light depressions. It’s really not easy, but ‘one day at a time’, and I do generally feel like a new person.

The most difficult part was coming back to the real world after the month in rehab, when one on one I faced all the evils inside me. My second week ‘out’ was the worst. My depression put me into such misery that I couldn’t even get out of my bed for five days. The only thing that could lull me was a line of coke that I wanted to get, despite the clear understanding that I may not have a second chance to survive. As I was losing it completely, Natalia walked into our bedroom with a cup of hot tea and some astonishing news about my ex-roommate Inna. Apparently she was on one of her regular trips back home on the ship to renew her visa. Obviously wasted, she fell overboard and drowned. It was night-time so the crew only noticed her absence in Kherson port when it was too late even to search for her body. The story was awful, but it encouraged me to stay strong and eventually helped me to climb out of my fucking depression.

It could have been me instead of Inna. It can still be me, if I do not stop moaning and take control of my life… oh, Nata, what would I do without you…

All the way from Istanbul I couldn’t stop crying and apologising to Natalia for what I’d said and done. ‘You were right. I was irresponsible. I put you girls down and almost killed myself… you were so right, Nata,’ I mumbled, wetting the sleeve of her sweater.

‘Don’t cry, my baby! I never should have said those things to you. No one is perfect and anyone can make mistakes.’ She was calming me down, gently stroking my hair. And, after a deep sigh: ‘Including me. I’ve also done a stupid thing.’

I looked at her with worry and surprise.

Nata? A stupid thing?

‘What do you mean? What happened?’

‘Agh… you know the story about my Russian boyfriend in France…’

‘Yes, Lena told me in her emails that he’s a perfect guy, and that you two are serious about each other.’

‘Yeah, turns out I can be as blind as Lena. He seemed serious about us, and kept telling me. And then I fell pregnant…’

She paused, trying not to cry.

‘What? Are you? Now?’ I stared at her, pointing at her belly.

‘Yes, and the bastard disappeared as soon as he found out about it. He said congratulations, then stopped returning my calls…’

She sighed and looked away. She was ashamed. ‘Yeah… so, as you see, I am not Miss Perfect either…’

‘What are you going to do?’ I asked. ‘Are you going to keep the baby?’

She sighed again and said, with desperation in her voice, ‘I don’t know, Jul. I don’t know what I want to do about it… I haven’t figured it out yet…’

‘Oh, Nata, don’t worry. Whatever you decide, I am sure it will be the right solution. Besides, you have us to support you, right?’

She hugged me again and I fell silent, trying to process the information she’d thrown at me. I was a little shocked. I would be ready to hear that from Lena, but not my big sister…

In any case, I really meant what I said; Natalia was good, and would do right in almost any situation. She even handled my troubling situation with imprisonment and upcoming deportation in the smartest way possible. Before getting me out of jail, she called one of her friends she’d known since working in the shipping company. He was an immigration lawyer and had a few connections in the Aliens Department. He made sure that the papers I’d signed before they jailed me, which stated that I agreed that I’d broken immigration law and would leave the country with a deportation mark in my passport, were dismissed, on account of me being a foreigner and their not supplying a translator to make sure I understood what I was signing. The magic touch of his acquaintances also resulted in the police agreeing to free me after Natalia had signed some other papers, showing them our booked return flight tickets to Ukraine.

I understood that hers was not easy decision, but I was sure she would make the right one… and she did. After a few more days of tearing herself to pieces, with the words, ‘I am not going to become a struggling-all-my-life single mom. I will have a child when I am ready emotionally and financially to afford it’, she went to a local clinic and had an abortion. The procedure was successful and a few days later she was back in the salon, working her ass off, trying to bury the unpleasant memories of her mistake as deeply as she could.