Jac Jemc - A Different Bed Every Time

Every night I stunned myself with gin. On one date, a man and I ended up at the airport and ate rhinestones. We moved fast and real. The plane progressed in handfuls of miles at a time. I refused to keep secrets, but he told them to me anyway. After a few days of gorging under the guise of vacation, I hit the road, figuring out how to be kind. This man could rile me, lift me, convince me with his hands. It felt too much like a disadvantage.

Another man looked at me like I might gnaw off his face before dragging him into a bush. He calmed down and we shared a holy week of drinking. I suffered a hairline fracture, and every few minutes it felt like someone shot a hockey puck up my leg. We played sailors behaving badly. We skated on predictions of what might happen between us. I whispered in his ear, “I know what’s beneath your pillow,” and he asked me to repeat myself. We watched pig dissection on his computer and had bad dreams. By the end apologies were hovering around us, but neither of us could tell whose turn it was to speak, so we lost each other.

The next boy I met on a mission. My fingers fell asleep, a handful of beetles. He showed me a map and asked me to read it. When we finished, I applauded and we knew we would draw new cartographies on each other’s skin. This news abstracted itself, refused to be comforting. I quieted bell after bell against my tongue. One night, fleshless, he emerged from the basement and began making accusations: You are delirious. You are dungeoned. You are stapled shut . I admitted my faults: I am a drawer full of fire. Only a flash flood could put me out . My appetite was pared. Starving myself of him did not feel like starving.

I slowed a little. I felt like I had made up for the lost time. I was all soft and crazy hair everywhere and boys paid me extra attention because they looked at me all the time like I’d just woken up beside them. But you can’t go for it every time. You’ve got to dangle the carrot.

I kept running into men I’d dated while on dates with other men. I found new ways of explaining them to each other. Every time it happened I thought about how Wittgenstein called language a cage. I was living in a city that seemed smaller and smaller every-day. I had few deal breakers: I didn’t trust hunters or jokes with punch lines. Beyond that I would allow myself to forget any vows I’d taken and looked forward to forgetting how many fingers I had on each hand. One guy kept insisting he was not hungry while we were watching a movie, but I caught him — twice — in the kitchen with a fork in his mouth. I developed moods that felt like they could be stretched forever like a piece of dirty bubble-gum. Despite however much I tried to erase it, I had this human heart that was always showing up and milking itself into my body.

I made up things to say and tried to find the right person to say them to. I am vibrating. I am beckoning. I have riddles for you . Men with thick piano-key fingers. Men who offered to change light bulbs for me. Men made of glass and ones built of brick. Men who took me to concerts and tried to tilt their heads to mine. Men who the closer I got, the less I could see. Men who held me down when I asked and ones who just couldn’t. Men with rabbit-hole grins and men with gruesome, peristaltic, nervous tics. I could watch each of them happen. I could see the wrongness. I could find beauty everywhere. When I woke each morning I could see that the day was capable of forking like the foot of a crow. I tried to remember where I’d been. I was sure I was smiling too much. Everything was funny. Deadlines moved themselves around me in a counter-clockwise direction. Every night I tried to figure out how to talk to someone new.

One night I went out with a gorgeous boy who had a brain in his head and kept trying to figure out what my faces meant, and I had to keep plucking his fingers from my mouth, against all of my desires. And I could feel that neither of us knew what to do with the yo-yo that was swinging between us and that both of us were fighting our collars with tugs and pinches. All around us, people were caring about each other, their hands finding other hands. He and I spent every minute of our time trying to forget the other one before we could remember them. He spun his straw around his glass and I was happy to have the distraction of watching the layers of liquid unstripe themselves. On this evening, I was fearful: it was easy to imagine spending years living alone, deep inside his body. I started trying to jigsaw him into my future. I fit the piece of him onto a big porch in the country, until I caught him flummoxing some girl at the next table. I told him I was ready to go. The conversation outside was a jumble of cigarettes and irreversibility.

At home I avoided my basement. I’d had a series of dreams of round teeth pushing through the gums of the doorway downstairs. I drew pictures diagonally on paper like women do and let the lines curl on themselves. I answered the door, unconcerned that my mouth, my hands, my dress were open. I put air in my tires like I might go somewhere. At six a.m., I’d tell myself, I will know if I will always be alone. I was never shy enough to wave goodbye; I’d just say it and mean it. I would watch the sky for stars rising slowly and evenly like car windows. I made my neighbor knock on my door while I was entertaining these men. I’d tell them it was my boyfriend coming home and shove them under the bed, just to keep things interesting.

I met a man at those chess tables in the park. The violent knocking down, the bold decisions, the small leaps that make statements. Every time we finished a game he convinced me to start another. He kept saying “polyglot” like it was something that showed up in a blood vessel. He threw up in the bushes on our walk to the café. When I asked if he was all right, he apologized for being nervous. I had thought he was just being an asshole. His mustache looked more like a horseshoe than a handle bar. Flecks of spittle clung near his mouth. He was balding, something I normally found sexy. While he said things I didn’t care to hear, I imagined eighteenth-century children running toward us on the path, sticks nudging hoops ahead of them. When I tuned back in, it seemed he was trying to stretch my impression of him in another direction, but really it was snapping back opposite. At dinner, when he looked down into his bag to pull out his journal, I rolled my eyes — until he opened the book and a flyer for a strip club fell out showcasing a woman with star pasties, boots so tall the edges licked the folds of her labia. His hands crashed to his face before he turned to the potted plant beside him like he was going to wretch again. Instead his body seized several times and then relaxed. I picked up the flyer and said, “She is pretty,” before the waiter took our order.

I drank too much coffee. The city felt like a pinball table, like I might slip between the sewer grates and become lost to the game.

I met a man at the natural history museum. I could tell by the way he pushed the buttons on the exhibits that we could have some fun. Each time the screen changed, another graph, another map, another face appeared, and he turned to see my reaction. I asked lots of questions about his life and no matter how I tried to fool him into being honest, he plumped the stories up so they sounded fancier. It was like seeing someone in the middle of a snowy field with no footsteps around them. Everyone has to get to where they are. I told him I didn’t believe him and left him with the water birds.