John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

Ne'er saw I, never felt, a surge so deep!

A surge, irresistible and sure, that would be neither hurried nor gainsaid; Tower Clock, it moved at its sweet will, fetching to ripeness every thing which was.

At sight of Lady Creamhair waving in the grove I came to a heavy walk. She was dressed in the color of her hair. In one hand she held her picnic-basket; with the other she alternately waved and shaded her eyes to see me. I stalked up without response, but jarred by the strikings of my heart. She began to talk and laugh.

"I'm a foolish old woman, you don't have to tell me — with Dr. Spielman standing right there the whole time! I never even expected to see you, really, I've been so anxious, but I couldn't keep my mind on anything. I know just what you're going to say: I tell you to think things through and then don't give you a minute to yourself! I won't stay, I promise — I should be in the office right now — but I had to ride by; I don't know how I'll wait till this evening!"

I came through the fluster of her talk and rose high on my haunches. She hastened to let me kiss her, begging me to pardon a poor silly woman for being so rattled. Readily enough she responded to my hug, though I was by no means scrubbed and perfumed as I'd been the day before. But she turned a scented dry cheek to my second kiss.

"Bless my soul! And here I thought you'd be peeved at me."

"Creamie," I said, coining her a pet-name after the only model I knew: "I want to Be with you."

She had been thrusting gently away; upon these last words she embraced me again, and could not speak plainly.

"You — dear gracious me. Oh, dear Billy!"

Did she understand my meaning? It seemed so; but to assure myself I told her that I had seen with my own eyes the manner in which human people enjoyed Being, and that I meant to give it a try. "If you'll let me Be with you anytime I please, I'll leave the herd."

"Let you be with me?" She laughed incredulously. "What do you think I've been praying for all this time? You'll be with me day and night, dear heart! All I want on this campus is for us to be together!"

The most I'd hoped for was eventual consent, and that only after threats and pleadings. This positive eagerness took me aback; I could scarcely credit it.

"May I Be with you right now?"

"What a strange thing to say! You mean go away this minute? Shan't we eat lunch here first?"

Her slight uncertainty turned my own into ardent resolve. "No, I mean right now."

She stood off a pace and cocked her head at me. "Well! If that's what my young man wants to do, that's what he shall do. I haven't even got your room fixed up yet — but I'm ready if you are!"

Her words puzzled me. "What I mean is, let's Be right here, right now. I promised Max I'd come back at dinnertime and tell him what I've decided; we can Be in your house after that."

She had been going to pick up the basket; now she shook her head in mock annoyance. "Seems to me we aren't quite communicating!"

I declared stubbornly my intention to Communicate with her as soon as I had learned enough verse to manage it; as for Being, however, that wanted no learning, only love, with which I was already so overmastered that if she wouldn't let me Be with her I must go Be with the does of the herd, or perish away.

"Goodness!" she said. "We can't have that, can we?" To my delight she unfolded the blanket which she often brought with the picnic basket; I trembled as she spread it out flat and set herself amply near the center.

"Now, sir, here I sit, and there you stand. What I'll tell my boss I don't know, but you can be with me right here on this blanket to your heart's content!"

Thus plainly invited I scrambled upon her with a grin. I had looked for a sporting resistance, but she let go a cry that shocked me, as did the vigor of her defense. She struck me about the head with her fists; very nearly she wrenched out from under. But I recovered in time to drop my full weight on her, at the same time shielding my face in her plenteous bosom (which I bit at through its linen cover), and Harry-like endeavored with my hand.

She shrieked, also pummeled. My attack was stymied high on her hocks by an unexpected harness, and as I fumbled to learn its secret she tore at my hair until tears came forth.

"Not too hard!" I protested. Her fury alarmed me; where was the joy of Being if it cost such a hurt?

"Get off!" she cried. "You mustn't do this!"

Truly the strappings were beyond me, but her tossing now disclosed that though my goal was bound in a hard encasement (unlike anything Chickie wore), it ultimately was bare as Mary Appenzeller's.

"It's a horrid mistake, Billy! Stop so I can tell you!"

Well, I could not both fight and service her. I was strong for a kid, but Lady Creamhair was larger and heavier. Moreover, there was in her struggling nothing of Chickie's passion-to-be-vanquished; she fought to win.

"You don't even want me to Be with you!" I charged. I had been pinioning one arm; when now I let go to raise my wrap she caught up a stone and knocked at my head with it. My resentment burst into rage; I gave over everything to throttle her. She croaked; she thrashed; she made to push my hips away, but was obliged to clutch at my forearms instead, not to be strangled. Fearing her knees I pressed upon her, and thus, inasmuch as her garments had worked high, we touched.

"Ah! Ah!" I flung back my head. Horror rolled in Lady Creamhair's eyes — which then she closed, and wept. I collapsed upon her breast; had she set to breaking my skull with rocks I wouldn't have cared. But she was quiet. She touched my hair; I felt the catches of her grief, and against my cheek her heart beat slow while my own still thundered. Directly I could feel, I felt contrite, though by no means certain I'd done anything wrong; and my remorse was tempered with chagrin at having come short after all of my objective. Yet no matter; there was nothing mattered. I had come near enough to very Being to taste its sweetness; what for the moment appeared a surfeit was in truth a whet. Even as Lady Creamhair moved me off, I felt new stirred. I hadn't will enough to stay her: limp on the blanket I watched her put herself in order, now and then drawing her fingertips along her throat.

"Excuse me for strangling you," I said, though my head still hurt where she had struck with the stone. "Is that the way you like to Be, or were you really angry?"

She covered her face and shook her head. "You didn't know. I'm terribly upset." Her voice was queer.

"I can do better if you'll show me how," I promised. "And not hit me with stones."

My friend gave a groaning, not at my words, and averted her face. Then she wiped away rue and with new firmness — but still avoiding my eyes — bade me move from the blanket so that she might fold it.

"I vow I won't choke you next time," I offered.

She shook her head. It was I she grieved for, she declared: she should have known better; she had been foolish not to see that this could happen. Who was to say she didn't finally deserve such use at my hands? Perhaps (so she considered, smoothing and resmoothing the folded blanket against her stomach) what had occurred was for the best, and we should be thankful for its having happened now, before actual commitments had been made.

However little I followed what she said, I was touched with shame to see her seized here by a wracking shudder. "Oh! Oh!"

I nonetheless demanded, blushing, to know what could be objected against as simple and intense a joy as Being, wherein every creature in the University clearly pleasured? A mere coupling of this to that, the business of a minute, but which lent zest to any idle pass or chance encounter; among strangers a courtesy, toward guests a welcome, between friends a bond. A meal's best dessert; a tale's best close. What hello more cordial, bye-bye more sweet? What gentler good-day or soothinger good-night? To Be, and not to not-Be, was my challenge and whole ambition. Even to speak of it rid me of lassitude; contrition was forgot — became I mean the mask of Guile; I said, "Don't go, please. I shan't annoy you any more" — considering as I spoke how she might be brought round to me.