Stephen Dixon - 14 Stories

We go outside. “It’s raining,” she says. It isn’t. “Why’d you say it’s raining when it isn’t?” I say. “Because somewhere it’s raining,” she says. “How do you know?” “I don’t.” “Then why’d you say it?” “I didn’t.” “You’re a liar, Darlene.” “I am. And you’re right. There is a possibility it isn’t raining somewhere now, and wasn’t raining when I said it was before. A very small possibility, but one nonetheless, which I guess makes me a liar. You want to stay here or walk?” “I’ve walked a lot tonight, Darlene. I’m tired.” “What do you do?” “Did I do to get tired?” “Did and do?” “I thought up and think up names for myself.” “What name did you start off with before you started thinking up names for yourself, Name?” “Is your name really Darlene, Darlene?” “My name is a mystery to me.” “And that, Darlene, is a mystery to me.” “I meant by that, Name, that it’s a mystery to me why I keep telling people my name’s a mystery to me while I’m still able to tell people my name’s Darlene.” “I like the name Darlene, though you ought to change it.” “Since you’re the name expert, Name, why don’t you change it for me?” “Change it to Darlene.” “You like Darlene?” “A little more than I like the name Darlene.” “All right, I will. From now on you call me Darlene. Now where do you want to go, Name?” “You tell me first, Darlene.” “You know, I’m beginning to like the name, Darlene. Yes. It fits.” “We can always go back to the bar,” I say. “Let’s. And it’s also a good idea because I didn’t pay for my drink or the one I never ordered for you.” “The one you were going to buy me and still plan to?” “No.”

We go into the bar. The bartender comes over and says “You forgot to pay for your drink, Darlene.” “He called you Darlene,” I say. “Oh, it isn’t?” he says. “What’s your name then, because I always thought it was Darlene.” “My name’s Darlene,” she says. “Oh, Darlene,” he says. “And his name is Name,” she says. “Oh, Name.” “And her name was Darlene,” I say. “Darlene. Was. Now I got it. Well, what will Darlene and Name have to drink?” “What’s your name, Ted?” she says to him. “Bartender.” “I thought your name was Ted.” “No, Bartender. I’ve always answered to Bartender.” “That’s true. You know, it’s raining out, Bartender,” she says. “Raining? Odd, but it doesn’t sound or smell like rain. Look like it either. No drops or rain sounds and smells and it also looks like it’s not raining.” “Somewhere it’s raining,” she says. “Somewhere it probably is.” Why do you both think that?” I say. “I was just agreeing with Darlene.” “Why do you automatically agree with me?” Darlene says to him. “That’s what I usually do at the bar.” “You ought to change that habit,” she says. “I’ll think about it” “No need to think about it. I was wrong about the rain, which makes you doubly wrong in automatically agreeing with me and two, saying it’s probably raining somewhere.” “Well somewhere it probably is,” he says. “You’re probably right,” she says, “which makes you doubly right in not automatically agreeing with me.” “No, I think you’re wrong there,” he says, “but what’ll you two have?” “Same,” she says. “Same as hers,” I say. “Two sames,” he says. “Makes mine a double,” I say. “You want a double too?” he says to Darlene. “Single,” she says. “One single and one double same coming up,” he says. He goes. “I don’t really want a double,” I say to Darlene.” I only ordered one because I never ordered one before.” “Cancel it then.” “I will.” “You have to do it quickly, as I might be paying for your drink.” “Cancel my double same,” I say to Bartender, “and make it a triple.” “We don’t have glasses large enough for triple sames,” he says. “You want a double and single glass to make up a triple?” “No, I don’t much like drinking the hard stuff,” I say. “Cancel my triple same.” “And cancel my single same.” “One triple and one single same canceled. Want a wine or beer?” he says. “Let’s go outside,” Darlene says to me. “See you, Bartender,” I say. “See you, Name. See you again, Darlene.” “Hope so,” she says.

We go outside. It’s raining. “It’s raining,” I say. “Probably somewhere it is,” she says.” No now. Right here. It just started. Why do you always assume it’s probably always raining somewhere?” “I’ll tell you why, Name. Sit down. I want to tell you the story of why I assume it’s always probably raining somewhere or at least that during every moment of the day there’s more of a possibility it’s raining somewhere than it isn’t. Go on, sit.” “The ground’s too wet from the rain,” I say. “Then can I at least assume it was raining somewhere before?” “You can and also can assume more than just that it was raining somewhere before.” “Then I needn’t go on with my story,” she says. “I don’t see why not.” “Then I wish you’d sit down so I can tell it.” “Honestly, Darlene, I would sit down if the ground wasn’t wet from this rain.” “This rain?” “The rain now and all the rain from before on the ground where you want me to sit” “If it was wet from someone spilling pan after pan of water on the ground, would you sit down?” “No.” “Then wet from some nice little kid watering the ground with a hose?” “On the same spot you’re asking me to sit down?” “Yes.” “No, I wouldn’t sit down, Darlene.” “You don’t want to hear my story then?” “Not true. I do.” “Then sit down.” “I will. Though somewhere else where it isn’t wet where I sit down, or here once the rain stops and the ground dries. What you can do, if you don’t want to go someplace where it’s dry or wait here till this ground dries, is tell me the story inside the bar.” “Good idea. Because I still haven’t paid for my first drink from two times ago in there and because I definitely want to tell the story more than I don’t. Where I tell it makes no difference to me, though it does seem to make a big difference where you hear it.” “Would you tell it sitting down on the wet ground while I stand out of the rain?” “No.” “Then let’s go inside.” “Yes.”

We go inside. “You know, there were two people in here a short while ago who looked just like you two,” Bartender says. “Were their names Darlene and Name?” Darlene says. “That’s right. In fact, they were in here twice before.” “Why do you assume that?” she says. “Because I saw them and they looked exactly alike both times.” “Those could have been their twins you saw the time before last,” she says. “Or their triplets, if you’re all triplets. Triplets having drinks with triplets and all three women triplets named Darlene and the men Name.” “You’d think their parents not only had a problem in raising and recognizing them,” I say, “but in naming them though not in remembering their names.” “You’d think so,” he says, “and I’d in fact think you’d know so.” “Bartender,” someone else says, “a rum on the rocks please?” “That’s Someone Else,” I say. “Well I have to get him a drink,” Bartender says. “What’ll you two have?” “Same thing Someone Else is having,” I say. “I’ll have what the previous Darlene had,” Darlene says. “The previous Darlene canceled her order,” he says. “Then I’ll cancel my order,” she says. “Say, Bartender,” Someone Else says, “my rum on the rocks?” “You still want the same?” Bartender says to me. “Same.” “Same for me too,” Darlene says, “as I never canceled a rum on the rocks before.” “Three rum on the rocks coming up,” he says. He starts making our drinks. “Do we really want rum on the rocks?” Darlene says to Bartender. “I don’t,” he says. “Neither do I,” she says. “Cancel two of those rum on the rocks,” I say. “Don’t cancel mine,” Someone Else says. “Only cancel one then,” I say. “I’ll have a white wine,” Darlene says. “Just like the first Darlene ordered and had and never paid for,” Bartender says. “What’s all this about other Darlenes?” Someone Else says. “A name game they and now I have going,” Bartender says. “That’s Darlene.” “And that’s part of the name game?” Someone Else says. “You see, her name wasn’t originally Darlene, but Darlene.” “Now I don’t get it.” “Pay close attention. She’s Darlene, but she hasn’t always been. And he’s just Name and for as long as I know him, always has been.” “Then he’s the game or Game’s his last name. Though Game can’t be his last name, as you said his name’s just Name.” “As far as I know, just isn’t his first name and Game isn’t his last. His name’s Name and he’s only part of the game, just as you and I are. I’m Bartender.” “You mean, you are a bartender.” “I’m also a bartender.” “What else you do?” “I do lots else, but the only thing I do professionally is tend bar.” “I still don’t see what your being a bartender has to do with their name game or Name Game here or just Name or just Name and Darlene over there other than talking about it with them and in the process trying to explain it to me, maybe even making the game even more complex than it started out to be.” “That’s almost the truth.” “Well when you get the truth altogether, could you let me have it?” “You hear that?” Bartender says. “Someone Else just extended the game in a way we haven’t thought of.” “Now I get it,” Someone Else says. “I’m Someone Else and what I asked from you before and still haven’t got is the truth. And he’s Name and she’s Darlene, though her name was probably recently changed to Darlene from Darlene, and you’re Bartender and a bartender and the guy next to me could be called Guy Next to Me.” “The Guy Next to Me,” The Guy Next to Me says, raising his glass to Someone Else and Bartender and Darlene and me. “I don’t have any truth to raise,” Darlene says. “Three truths still coming up,” Bartender says. He gives Darlene her truth, gives Someone Else and me the truths he was making before, and pours some soda water for himself and raises his glass. “That’s not truth,” The Guy Next to Me says to Bartender. “They hold me to one truth an hour, since they don’t think I can mix and serve them up straight if I have more.” “Even when a customer’s buying you one and for everybody else here?” “You saying you’re paying for my next one?” a woman two stools away from him says. “You’re Everybody Else Here?” The Guy Next to Me says. “I thought she was A Young Lady Further on Down the Bar,” Someone Else says. “To me she was a Drinker with a Big Tab,” Bartender says. “No, I’m Everybody Else Here,” she says. “Then I’m buying yours and one for the rest of them here,” The Guy Next to Me says. We look around. There’s no one else left in the bar. “Okay,” Bartender says, “one more than I’m allowed for the hour,” and pours himself the same truth Darlene has and mixes another one for Everybody Else Here. We all raise our truths and Someone Else says “What should we drink to?” “To truth,” The Guy Next to Me says. “We drink truth, not to it,” Bartender says. “Then let’s drink to it,” Darlene says. “To it,” we all say. We drink. I finish my truth, say goodnight and leave the bar. It’s stopped raining. I head for home. “Name?” I hear behind me. I keep walking. “Name. Your name’s Name, isn’t it?” Darlene says, catching up. “We drink and drank to it,” I say. “Yes?” “I’m saying—” “Yes?” “Yes,” I say. “Good,” she says.