Stephen Dixon - What Is All This? - Uncollected Stories

Hailed a cab and they got in.

I ran up to their cab window and said “Say something, Louise. Then say goodbye to me, Rae Ann.”

Louise put her hand over Rae Ann’s mouth. Rae Ann was looking at me at that moment but I didn’t know if she was going to say anything to me. The cab pulled away. I went back to the apartment, and in the kitchen I ate till I was stuffed. Then I sat in front of Louise’s electric typewriter and turned it on. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy The quick brown fox jumps over the The quick brown fox jumps

They’re not interested in me anymore. They say they are. They say it to my face and over the phone. They say “We’re still interested in you.” They’re not. I know.

How do I know? I know by the way they say it. When they say “We’re still interested in you,” they don’t say it enthusiastically. They say it without enthusiasm. That’s one way how I can tell.

Another way is that they don’t look straight at me when they say they’re still interested in me. They look away. Or half at me, half away. That’s another way how I can tell.

How do I know these are signs they’re not interested in me anymore? Have I asked them directly? I have. I’ve said “You look half at me, half away from me when you say you’re still interested in me.” I’ve said “You don’t say you’re still interested in me with much enthusiasm. You say it unenthusiastically, is what I mean.” They said I was wrong. “Dead wrong,” they said. But I still know they’re not interested in me anymore.

How do I still know, or rather, why? Because, although they’ve said over and over again they’re still interested in me, they do nothing for me. Have they once in the last few months sent my projects to people who might be able to accept them or do something with then? They haven’t. I can say that knowledgeably. Have they once in the last few months spoken about me enthusiastically to people who might be able to accept my projects or do something with them? They haven’t. That I can’t say knowledgeably, because when I asked them if they’d spoken about my projects to other people who might be able to accept them or do something with them, they said they had. I asked “Who?” and they said that was a secret. I asked why was it a secret, and they said if they told me why it would no longer be a secret. I said That’s an answer for a child,” and they said it was the only answer they were going to give. I said “Why?” and they said “Let’s not go any further into it. Let’s just not.”

So how do I know they haven’t sent my projects around to these other people in the last few months? Because I’ve asked these other people if they’d received any of my projects in the last few months, and they all said no. I then asked if anyone who’s supposedly interested in my projects has spoken enthusiastically to them about me in the last few months, and they said they’d rather not say. Then has anyone, I said, spoken to them in any way about me or my projects in the last few months, and they said, again, they’d rather not say. They said that was their business, not mine. Meaning, I should stay out of their business or what they think isn’t mine. I knew what they meant. They didn’t have to spell it out for me, and I didn’t ask them to. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. I didn’t because I didn’t think it would get me any place with them. I also felt it might make matters worse for me with the people who are supposedly still interested in me, and with the people they speak to. I also felt lucky to have even gotten to speak to these other people — the people in the right places, I’ll call them, who might be able to do something with my projects. The truth is, I didn’t speak to them. I spoke to the people who say they’re still interested in me, but only wrote to the people in the right places, and they were kind enough to write back and answer me several times over a period of a few weeks.

Where does that leave me? I know that the people who profess to be still interested in me, are not. They’re definitely not. Maybe not “definitely,” but I can say I’m almost positive they’re not.

Why am I almost positive they’re not still interested in me? Because of the reasons I’ve already given here. Anyway, nothing has come of their professed interest in me for months. In fact, nothing has ever come from their interest in me or anyone else’s interest in me and my projects, except for my being initially encouraged by their saying they were interested, which made me produce even more projects for them to send around.

So what am I going to do? I’m about to give up on them. I’ll probably make that decision tonight: whether to give up or stick with them. If I stick with them, I’ll probably have to accept their lies that they’re still interested in me and are sending my projects to people in the right places, or at least speaking enthusiastically, or even just speaking about me to these people, when I’m almost positive they’re not. After all, I’ve tried everyone else who can send my projects to these people, and I’ve also tried sending my projects to them myself. I couldn’t do anything for myself. The people in the right places I sent my projects to said I should get someone to send the projects in for me, that they don’t look at them when they come from the producer of the project himself. And all those people who sent my projects to these people tried hard in the beginning, but their interest soon waned. Now that, I also know to be a fact. Because in the beginning they all sent me proof they had sent my projects around to the right places, and then these proofs stopped coming to me. And each time, after I’d stopped getting these proofs for months, I also asked if they were still interested in me and were still sending my projects around, and they all said they were. But this is the first time I also asked these people in the right places if they’d received any of my projects the last few months, and the answer to that I already gave.

What now then? Maybe I should ask the people who say they’re still interested in me why they haven’t sent me any proof the last few months that my projects are still being sent around. I could do that. I’ve asked them just about everything else, and it is a question I don’t see how they could get out of answering. Because what could they say? If they say “Yes, we have proof we’re still sending your projects around, but forgot to send them to you,” I could say “So send them to me now.” If they then say they don’t have them anymore, I could say “Why not? What happened to them?” If they then say they lost them or they were accidentally destroyed, I could say “Tell me another, because that excuse is the oldest in the books. Besides,” I could say, “I spoke to all the people you supposedly sent my projects to, and they all said they haven’t seen any of my projects in months.” If they say That’s not true, or you misinterpreted what they told you,” I could say There are two ways for you to prove it’s not true or I misinterpreted what they told me, and either will do. One, by having these people tell me by phone or letter that they got my projects, or, two, for you to come up with those written proofs and send them to me.”

Asking them that question about the proofs is another decision I should make tonight. I don’t know if I will. What I mean is, I don’t know if I can make the decision by tonight, or even make the other decision about whether to give up or stick with the people who say they’re still interested in me. Because that second decision really depends on the answer to my question about the proofs in the first decision, and there still might be something about this situation that I haven’t as yet figured out.