Stephen Dixon - What Is All This? - Uncollected Stories

I can’t speak. I try to, my mouth opens but I’m physically unable to.

“I mean, up to no good,” he says. “Not just for everyone else, but to yourself too. Am I right? Don’t bother to answer. You’re obviously too weak. But can you take a little honesty now yourself? I’m afraid, my friend, this is the end.”

“It’s so difficult.” “What is?” “Just dealing with it.” “Dealing with what?” The rejections day after day, day after day.” “Don’t send your work out then.” Then they’ll just pile up.” “Don’t do them then.” Then I’ll have nothing to do.” “Try to do something else then.” “I can’t. I’ve been doing this so long.” “But if you’ve had no luck?” “I didn’t say I haven’t had any luck.” Then little success? Really, what can I say that I haven’t already said?” “Nothing, please say nothing. I know you’re trying to be helpful but I have to work this out on my own.”

I go into the bedroom, shut the door, lie on the bed. She comes in. “I’m sorry,” she says, “but I have to work in here.” “You can’t work in the other room?” That’s where you’re working.” “I don’t think I’ll be working there anymore.” “What’ll you do then?” “I’m not sure. I’ve just lain down to think about it.” “You couldn’t lie down on the couch? I’ll tell you why I ask you that. You used to work in this room and I used to work in the other. Then you said this room isn’t the best room for you to work in and you’d like to work in the other, so I got all my things out of that room, brought them into this room and started to work here. Now you say I should go back into the other room, which means carting all my things back to it, and I now have even more things than when I used to work in that room because I’m much further along in the project I’m working on. But you want me back in the other room not because you want to work in this one but because you want to lie on the bed and think about work. Be honest — is that fair?”

“I don’t know if it’s fair or not.” Then what I’m asking of you is to think about whether it’s fair.” “I don’t want to spend my time thinking about that. I just want to think about what I might like to do other than the work I’ve been doing. And I can think better alone, lying on a bed, than alone, lying on a couch.” “You’re not being fair.” “Maybe I’m not, but it is what I want.” “What about what I want?” “If I thought about it I’d consider it, but right now I only want to think about what I’m going to work on from now on or at least for the immediate future.” “Give yourself a minute or less to think about how my moving into the other room again will affect my work, what I want, and so on, besides how difficult it’ll be for me to move all my things back to that room.” “I’ll help you. I’ll even move it all by myself for you.” “Okay, I can see there’s no arguing with you for now, so let’s get it done. But don’t ask to move back into that other room once my move is done if you decide, after all your thinking in here, you could do your work much better alone out there.” “I doubt I could promise you that.” “Excuse me, I’m going for a walk.”

She puts on her sweater, takes her keys and goes. I turn over on my stomach and think about what I’m going to do. I could do this, I could do that, work at this, work at that, try this, try that, this, that, this, that. None seem like the right thing to do. None excite me or seem like anything I could or would want to do. This minute I wish I lived alone so I wouldn’t have to face her when she gets back. So I wouldn’t have to explain anything more to her. So I wouldn’t have to help her move into the next room or tell her I changed my mind about wanting her to move there or about not wanting to do what I’ve been doing the last twenty years. For that’s what I decide on now, this second, or just a few seconds ago. Decided it when I was thinking I didn’t want to help her move into the next room. Decided to go back to doing what I’ve been doing the last twenty years. Decided it because none of the other things I thought of doing seemed right for me or excited me and so on, and not doing anything seemed worse than any of those other things I thought of doing and also worse than not doing what I’ve been doing for twenty years. I fall asleep.

“You haven’t moved my things or even started to.” For a moment I thought she said that in my dream. But she apparently woke me up by poking me or some other way and said that while I was coming out of sleep. “What did you say?” “You didn’t hear me?” “Yes, I heard you, if what I think you said is what you said and not what I thought you said in my dream. You said something about my not having moved your things?” “Yes. Can you tell me why? I’ve lots of work to do today and I want to start doing it right away.” “So do I.” “Fine, do your work, but I can’t do mine out there unless all of my work things are out there, and you promised to move them for me, remember?” “I do, sort of, because it was either me alone or both of us, but I’ve changed my mind. Stay in this room.” “What will you do?” “Same as I’ve always done, and in the old room.” “You decided that?” “Yes.” “Suppose I said I just now decided I want to move back to the other room?” Then I’d say that’s okay, I’ll help you move back there, but not today, or at least not right now, as I want to get back to work right away, and because all my equipment for work is in the other room, I don’t have time to move you there now.” “Suppose I said I don’t care if you want to get right back to work; that I want to move back to the other room right now so I can resume work soon as I can after my things are moved there?” Then I’d say okay, that’s fair. I’ve put you through a lot. I’ve asked you to do plenty of things for me and you’ve never really asked me to do anything like those things for you, so this time I’ll put what you have to do over anything I have to.” “Suppose I said I don’t believe you?” “Try me out.” “All right, I’m trying you out. Help me move my things into the other room.” “Where should we begin? They’re your things, so you know where they should go.” “No, I believe you. Or maybe I don’t, but I don’t want to go into it now because all I want to do is work. I had a terrific idea when I was outside about the work I’m doing and I don’t want to lose it.” “Good, because I also had a terrific idea when I was thinking just before I fell asleep, and I want to get to it right away.” Then I’ll see you.” “Want me to close the door?” Thanks, as I don’t want to be disturbed by anything. Not your talking to yourself while you work or your equipment going like mad. I’ve got to have maximum quiet in here to concentrate, or as much quiet as it’s possible to get.” “I’ll have to make some noise out there, you know.” That’s all right. What I can’t control, I can’t control.” “Same with me, I suppose.”

I kiss her cheek, leave the room and close the door. A few seconds later I hear her working. I sit down at the dining table where my equipment is. I might as well start. I don’t have any idea what I’ll be working on now, but I should try to start something. I’ve sat down before with nothing in my head and almost always started something. I can do it again. If I can’t do it this time, it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to do it again. In fact, I just about know for sure I’ll be able to do it again, now or sometime soon. If not sometime soon, then sometime in the not too distant future, though it’s never taken me that long to start again. So I’m not worried. Start something. Remember that if it doesn’t come now, chances are almost nonexistent it won’t ever come again.