Ahmet Tanpinar - A Mind at Peace

Jumping frantically and involuntarily from one disordered thought to the next, he arrived in Eminönü. Now, if he could just board one of these ferries and set out on the Bosphorus. He hadn’t slept at his own house for a month. His house appeared in his mind’s eye; it was located in the interior of Emirgân, with an enclosed garden recalling the courtyards of old medrese s, and a balcony from where the entire Bosphorus seascape, from Kandilli to Beykoz on the Asian shore, could be seen. The garden, filling with the sounds of bees and insects in the sunlight, contained a few fruit trees, a walnut tree, a chestnut tree before the door, and along the borders, a variety of flowers whose names escaped him; the door opened onto a glassed corridor that had once been a larder. This area led to a stone-paved anteroom that stayed cool in the summers and contained a large low table, a small liquor cabinet, and a large divan. The stairs were broad. Sometimes he and Nuran would recline there on two cushions. But she much preferred the upstairs, the large balcony, and the hall from where the view extended clear to Beykoz. He tried to distance himself from those days, days to which it was impossible to return. This wasn’t the time to think about it. İhsan lay bedridden; the disease within him, that nondescript bolus, had now assumed its full-fledged form.

İhsan spoke through the language and torment of his affliction. It extended its countless tentacles like an octopus, latching on to everything. The illness was inside and outside him. Until Mümtaz was again at his side, this situation would persist. Until he took İhsan’s hands into his palms, asked “How are you feeling, brother?” until their eyes met, only then would the situation change, allowing him to pass back into Nuran’s time. There the world of separation began; the world of one who found everything estranging, who felt himself to be in eternal exile and whose spine shuddered from loneliness, the world of a man without a woman. A world made up of a host of heartrending absences. For a long time now, he had lived in interconnected rooms, passing from one to the next.

The one to whom it was impossible to return had no intention of leaving him alone: She now appeared before him in the figure of two young ladies. They stood before him, one all tulle and folds in a printed silk dress whose reds were dominant, and the other flustered and panting in a low-cut yellow dress whose single ornamental button at the shoulder clashed with the simplicity of the design, giving the impression that it had just then been wrapped hastily around her body in as best a fashion as circumstances allowed.

“Oh, Mümtaz, you’re happily met, how fortunate to run into you.”

“Where have you been, for heaven’s sake? You’ve been out of sight and out of touch.”

Both were pleased by this chance encounter.

“Have I got some news for you,” said Muazzez.

Nuran’s cousin İclâl wanted to change the subject, but no pressure could prevent Muazzez from confessing everything she knew to Mümtaz.

Muazzez, however, didn’t know where to begin. Mümtaz still found the sweet thing likable despite her inability to keep anything to herself; she’d be injecting venom of this sort for the first time in her short life, both describing what she knew and also taking years of revenge on him. She wanted to savor the moment, but there was yet a third matter; she had to convey the news such that Mümtaz, despite all of his buffoonery — Allah, how dense he was, how had she fallen for such an idiot? — understood that she still cherished him and was immediately available to console him. But no ideas, nothing came to her mind. All she could do was stare at Mümtaz and grin, revealing the tips of her incisors.

“Go on and say it already, what’s happened?” Mümtaz laughed as he asked.

She actually had an attractive aspect. She was curt, spoiled, selfish, and senseless, yet beautiful. As sweet and appealing as a piece of fruit. He needed no convincing to like her, desire her, or love her. All it would take was to draw her face toward him from the ever-changing, ever-wavy framework of sandy brown hair and to extinguish the glint of her teeth by kissing her and biting her lips. A bright and delicious moment deep as a well. To expect anything else, to seek a further horizon was meaningless. Muazzez began and ended with herself. To the degree that one could forgo the possibilities that she openly and impulsively conjured, and continue on one’s way. At least, that’s how it is for me…

She would soon strike. She would tell him that Nuran was to be married.

İclâl could stand it no longer; the charade had gone on too long; evidently the young lady didn’t want a matter having to do with her relative and their family to be exposed in this way. Nuran had reconciled with her ex-husband; what need was there for hesitation and evocative glances due to such a commonplace, everyday occurrence? As if surrendering herself to a void, she explained: “Maybe you’ve already gotten word, sweetheart. It isn’t breaking news or anything that Fâhir and Nuran have made up. They’re traveling to İzmir tomorrow. The marriage ceremony will take place there.” She stopped as if to gaze at the route she’d just taken and blushed immediately.

Was there any need to speak to Mümtaz in such a clipped way? What else could she have done to defend Nuran against Muazzez? She softened her voice and added: “If you could only see how happy Fatma is… She’s running around wildly shouting, ‘Papa’s coming back! Papa’s coming and he won’t be going away again!’”

No vengeance remained to be had. She took a deep breath as if she’d been relieved of a huge burden. She waited for Mümtaz to respond so that she could relax fully.

With difficulty, Mümtaz said, “May God bless them.” How had he groped for these four words and strung them together? How had he uttered the syllables from his dry throat? He didn’t know. But he was heartened by the fact that his voice wasn’t too hoarse. When he saw İclâl looking at him as if to say, “Say more, something more… Save me from this snake,” he commented that Fatma had a great love for her father. Then he passed on to another topic. He was gradually gaining momentum. If he exerted a little more effort, he’d be able to act naturally. As he spoke, İclâl’s usual smile came to her lips. Her eyes laughed. With this expression, her eyebrows virtually merged with her listless eyes, making a languid and alluring shadow below her forehead. This much was certain, İclâl was one who lived the season of her womanhood naturally. She lived a life as modest and satisfied as a cat. It was enough that those around her were cordial toward each other; of course, this served her as well. Mümtaz knew what she’d been thinking for the past few minutes. She was content now. They were all satisfied; after so many destructive episodes, Fâhir was content with his wife, Nuran with her daughter, İclâl with her sense of family, Muazzez because she’d informed Mümtaz more or less on her own that his horizon of joy had been obliterated; indeed, they were all satisfied and now free to go their separate ways.

“I’d walk with you to the ferry, but I have so much to do.”

“Oh, thanks, and we missed the 5:05 on your account…”

Mümtaz didn’t want to mention that İhsan was at home, sick. It’d only rouse their pity for naught.

“I really do have business to attend to,” he said, and departed.

Farther ahead, he turned around. The yellow outfit and the red silk print were still side by side; with small grazes, Muazzez’s skirts still caressed İclâl’s dress, but the pair was no longer arm in arm, their steps no longer knitting in the rhythm of mutual thought.